The Perfection of Imperfections
We were sitting chatting over a cup of Pumpkin Latte at the local coffee shop near her home in Streetsville, Ontario It was a cold, snowy day but the sun was shining and the morning walk over had been invigorating. However, the sadness I had noticed in my friend's eyes earlier suddenly turned to tears - silent tears, but tears that told of the pain and heartache that she was experiencing in her life, and her need to share her feelings suddenly became overwhelming. We had been good friends for several years and although I had, on a few occasions, felt that she was experiencing something in her life that was making her sad, she had never offered any information, and because we carefully guarded the boundaries of our friendship, I had never questioned her. She knew that she could share anything about her life with me, in non-judgmental acceptance, and I felt that when the time was right, she would be able to open up and discuss whatever it was that she had kept so secretly hidden. And so began a story of hurt, fear, disillusionment, disappointment, depression and extreme emotional turmoil.
My friend and her significant other had been together for ten wonderful years, eight of which had been spent living together as committed partners. All ten years, she said, had seemed ethereal - they had a very strong supportive connection and had been entirely and comfortably compatible, and her partner had been the epitomy of what she felt a loving partner should be. Regardless of, and perhaps because of their troubled past relationships and subsequent and painful family break-ups and divorces, they had joined together, after much deep thought, reflection, communication and a desire to look after each other physically, mentally, and emotionally - to bring happiness into each others life and to walk, hand in hand, into the proverbial sunset of their senior years.
The problem that was now about to tear them apart, and a problem that her friend had divulged to no one, not even her family, was that every year of their time together, during the same time-frame of January/February her partner appeared to enter into a very debilitating depression in which he got lost in mental and emotional confusion, which appeared to be triggered by some unrealistic, non-existent situation in their lives. His behavior and mood swing at this particular time became very negative and emotionally hurtful in that he turned cold and unreachable and invariably inferred that he no longer wished to be in a relationship with anyone. In the midst of his 'depression' he completely removed himself from his life within their relationship, and spent most of his time in bed, sleeping or staring vacantly toward nothing. These 'episodes', which happened each year, generally lasted the better part of the month, and then, as quickly as each one had begun, he finally returned to his kind, caring and loving self, apologizing for his negative treatment, and could not do enough to show her his love and concern. She related that, unfortunately, this year the 'episode' had lasted the better part of two months - two months in which his stone-cold reactions, and/or lack thereof, also included him saying that he no longer loved her, probably never had, and that he wanted to walk away from their life together and live the rest of his life alone. He had actually even made secret plans to move out and move on.
This decision, she said, would in no way be her decision, nor would it be her wish, and knowing her partner as intimately as she did, she was certain that these were not his legitimate feeling either - thus, her dilemma. She loved her partner unconditionally - problems or no problems - and knew she would continue to do so - but she had finally realized that the situation they were dealing with could no longer be looked at as a 'normal' relationship problem and that in order to move on positively they would have to seek professoinal help so that another 'episode' would not erupt again. What kept her going was the fact that the eleven months of the year, after the 'episode' was over, had always been extremely good, and so she had managed to deal with the problem each time and work with her partner to build their relationship back to the strong, healthy, happy and supportive and trusting one it had previously been. She wanted to be able to do this again, but this time the negative emotional result had been extreme.
As we ordered more Latte, she continued her story and let me know that her partner was now, once again, back to his real self - sincerely admitting that he did love her and was doing his very best to let her know that he did want to work things through without losing anyone and/or the love and support that had readily been given to him by her and her family.
And so the cycle would begin again. But this time, her partner made an appointment with his family doctor to get to the bottom of why this continued to happen, and was willing to work toward finding a solution for fixing the problem so that it would not happen again. And she had sought help for herself as well.
And now my friend's story began to turn positive and there was a light of hope in her eyes when she related what she was learning through the very wise words of her doctor, and the lessons that her doctor was teaching her. She was already feeling more empowered and was able to see that with help she could be in a calmer and more settled place emotionally to deal with the outcome of this 'episode' and/or whatever else life might throw her way. She had survived painful, personal crises before, unfairly, and more than enough times, but realized now that she had brought some resulting negative baggage with her, as had her partner, and now she was prepared to investigate these issues and repair what needed fixing in her own space. She knew that she was her own worst enemy in that she would often upset herself because of the habit she had of viewing things in a negative and unreasonable manner and so was learning to be able to identify what made her feel depressed and anxious. One of the lessons she was given was that she and her partner were to write a list of what areas they would want each other to change - little annoyances, little irritations, etc. and to share them with her partner, and he with her. While in deep thought about what to write down, she realized that she and her partner truly did not let small things irritate them and had instinctively given each other the freedom to live as themselves, so it was really difficult, at this very basic level, to find anything to put on her list. What she did write, though, was "I asked myself what little changes I wanted to see in you. But hard as I thought, I couldn't think of one thing and that is because, to me, you are perfect even in your imperfections. I've accepted you as you are - strengths and weaknesses. And I love the whole package. I love the mix. You are a wonderful person, and I love you very much".
What this excercise taught her was that just finding the perfect person wasn't what promised love, but that love was being able to see an imperfect person perfectly. And so her healing began - the 'episode' behavior exhibited each year by her partner was definitely imperfect but was part of who he was, and she could and would continue to love and support him while they sought help together to mend the problem and brokenness that the 'episodes' had caused. She was able now to accept what is, and to nurture a gratitude for what their relationship did offer, accepting her partner completely - the good and the bad - and they, together, could continue to inspire, guide and teach each other, by creating the space needed for each of them to 'fix' themselves - and she was now starting to see that two people could walk in different directions yet still remain side by side and that their love would be the power that would cement and bind them through the difficult valleys in their life journey together. She now believed that positive change could and would come.
I was very glad that I had made the time to be 'in the moment' and available for the walk and talk with my friend. It has been said before that a true friend is your needs answered - she had been in desperate need to share her pain and I am thankful that I was her answer. She chose to confide in me, knowing I would never betray her conficence, and I was able to be there for her when she was ready to do so, and her courage was strengthened because she was finally able to share her anguish.
And now my friend's story began to turn positive and there was a light of hope in her eyes when she related what she was learning through the very wise words of her doctor, and the lessons that her doctor was teaching her. She was already feeling more empowered and was able to see that with help she could be in a calmer and more settled place emotionally to deal with the outcome of this 'episode' and/or whatever else life might throw her way. She had survived painful, personal crises before, unfairly, and more than enough times, but realized now that she had brought some resulting negative baggage with her, as had her partner, and now she was prepared to investigate these issues and repair what needed fixing in her own space. She knew that she was her own worst enemy in that she would often upset herself because of the habit she had of viewing things in a negative and unreasonable manner and so was learning to be able to identify what made her feel depressed and anxious. One of the lessons she was given was that she and her partner were to write a list of what areas they would want each other to change - little annoyances, little irritations, etc. and to share them with her partner, and he with her. While in deep thought about what to write down, she realized that she and her partner truly did not let small things irritate them and had instinctively given each other the freedom to live as themselves, so it was really difficult, at this very basic level, to find anything to put on her list. What she did write, though, was "I asked myself what little changes I wanted to see in you. But hard as I thought, I couldn't think of one thing and that is because, to me, you are perfect even in your imperfections. I've accepted you as you are - strengths and weaknesses. And I love the whole package. I love the mix. You are a wonderful person, and I love you very much".
What this excercise taught her was that just finding the perfect person wasn't what promised love, but that love was being able to see an imperfect person perfectly. And so her healing began - the 'episode' behavior exhibited each year by her partner was definitely imperfect but was part of who he was, and she could and would continue to love and support him while they sought help together to mend the problem and brokenness that the 'episodes' had caused. She was able now to accept what is, and to nurture a gratitude for what their relationship did offer, accepting her partner completely - the good and the bad - and they, together, could continue to inspire, guide and teach each other, by creating the space needed for each of them to 'fix' themselves - and she was now starting to see that two people could walk in different directions yet still remain side by side and that their love would be the power that would cement and bind them through the difficult valleys in their life journey together. She now believed that positive change could and would come.
I was very glad that I had made the time to be 'in the moment' and available for the walk and talk with my friend. It has been said before that a true friend is your needs answered - she had been in desperate need to share her pain and I am thankful that I was her answer. She chose to confide in me, knowing I would never betray her conficence, and I was able to be there for her when she was ready to do so, and her courage was strengthened because she was finally able to share her anguish.
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