In editing our life choices we need to let our intuition guide us and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly.....

The Editor Of Life

Every journal, professional article, publication or book likely has an editor - a person who decides which 'writings' will see the light of day and which do not fit into the parameters of what is acceptable. He or she will ultimately suggest and/or insist on the changes to be made in the content and the wording. There are, inevitably, editors who edit too loosely and editors who edit too stringently, but what differentiates a top-notch editor from the mediocre is the rare knack of setting strong guidelines while, at the same time, allowing the unique talent and flavor of each author to shine through. In the end, the good editor fully understands that allowing writers to express themselves, in their own different and varied ways, will result in a more authentic finished product. 

The journey of life is much like writing. As the 'writer'  I need to author my own independent creation - polish, weed out, improve, discard - adding words, ideas or sentences - constantly correcting and enhancing. In life I have been presented with many choices and with these choices I have become the author of my own destiny. The paths that I follow - the footprints that I leave at every turn - compose a fresh, new sentence, paragraph, or chapter in my life. These have combined to develop my own unique story, worded with my contributions and innovations, styled by my particular personality and talent, and marked with my mistakes and slip-ups.

In life only I can be my own best editor, overseeing my project, watching carefully that I don't get side-tracked from my true mission - it is solely my responsibility to find my own voice and to author my own unique creation.

You are not a failure unless you fail to try.....

Making The Grade

She knew that we are all products or our environment, allowing the outside atmosphere to permeate within us. She knew everyone had their negative days and that on those days she, like many others, wanted to crawl into a corner and never come out, feeling empty and valueless - any self-worth utterly vanished.

On one such day, her usually cheerful daughter came home from school completely despondent. Slowly and reluctantly she pulled out a test paper from her backpack and, with downcast eyes, asked her mother to sign it. She tried to fold over her low mark, but her mother did not even have to see the crumpled paper, as the sad look in her daughter's eyes told her more than any number on a paper could reveal - the low grade had made her feel like a valueless failure, and not worthy of being loved - she had worked so hard to score a top mark and could not understand why she had not succeeded.

Looking at her daughter, understanding so well her inner turmoil, she wondered how she could convey to her that she was loved, despite any failed endeavor. Being so intimately familiar with those feelings herself, she knew how important it was for her to reach into her daughter's sad eyes and explain to her that she was worth so much more than red pen marks on a paper - that no event in her day, or her life for that matter, could take away from her intrinsic worth - that nothing would diminish who she was, or how deserving of love she was and always would be.

Certainly she felt proud of her daughter's accomplishments when she succeeded, but she knew that was a form of pride, not love. And, of course she would continue to encourage her daughter to exert her greatest effort and extend herself to her limit, but only as a way of finding expression for her talents and capabilities. None of her daughter's successes, or failures, would ever increase or diminish one iota of her intrinsic worth. Nor would she allow them to alter,in any way, the unconditional love with which she would always encompass her.

Our mission in life is to not shake up our world, but to walk softly and create a better place to be.....

Thought for the day:

It is hard to always know exactly what my mission in this world is. Sometimes something seemingly inconsequential can appear to have a very important and far yielding result and make me think that my approach to all positive things has to be that perhaps I was created just to walk that particular path - in other words, when an opportunity to do something good comes my way, I should never dismiss it as insignificant but instead regard it as my mission - a chance to repair or elevate a "piece of my world". 

No matter how successful we may be, no matter how happy or wealthy or talented we are, at some point we will all find ourselves seeking a deeper meaning to life.....

Random thought for the day:

Life's lessons, and aging, have taught me - have given me a true sense - that what I know is what I know, and that whoever doesn't agree with me no longer has the power to make me change my mind or erase my footprints. The only justification that I need for having an opinion is that it is my opinion. I might be right or I might be wrong, but under no condition do I need to be silent, any longer, about what I believe. My lessons have come in all forms, from all kinds of people and situations and I have learned that It doesn't matter who we are, what we do, how much money we make or whom we know, we all deserve to love and be loved, and to live life to its fullest. We can be there for one another, no matter our mistakes and hurts of the past. We can open our hearts to the love around us. Upon reflection, love has always been present in my life, in all of my experiences, and even in my tragedies. Love continues to be alive and tangible and it is what now gives my days their deep meaning and spiritual fullness and I need to continue to nourish my own emotional and spiritual needs, or no amount of material success will bring me satisfaction. Embracing this need for change as I get older - an emotional pressure as one phase of my life continues to transition into another - is simply a time for one part of me to die and for something knew to be born. Today I have far more of an understanding of what each breath of life has been for, and I can now accept my life, past and present, and finally truly live it - as I, and I alone, know how deep in my heart it is meant to be lived.

Through life's trials it serves you well to make your own recovery your first priority.....

Broken Promises

She had gone out a few times during her university years with several young men she had met in her classes,  long before she had even considered becoming a nun, but none of the relationships took off. Her failure in that regard didn't really bother her. For one thing, she was studying too hard to give it much thought. For another, she often thought that she could never really love some man enough to consider permanency and/or marriage. As the years moved on she became self-sufficient and solitary. However, as she neared the age of thirty, she experienced overwhelming feelings of emptiness - not a loneliness for a connection with the opposite sex - not a biological clock-ticking - but a loneliness, a void in her heart that needed filling, a spiritual awakening that needed exploring. And so began her journey into the convent.

For many years she led a very satisfying, fulfilling life within the confines of her religious beliefs. It wasn't until she neared her forty-eighth year, when she met Doug - a new member of the parish, that she realized that perhaps life could have more to offer her than God, Church and Celibacy.

They were introduced when he became a member of the parish Fundraising Committee, of which she was treasurer. They kept bumping into each other in the hallways of the church offices and then constantly crossed paths at the Wednesday evening meetings. There was something about him that she liked - a seriousness underneath his seemingly easy manner. She liked his face, too. It was long and angular with a strong nose and was framed by thinning, sandy colored hair.

Her thoughts became filled with confusion and conflict - she was lost in what-ifs and if-onlys. She began to talk herself into the fact that her disillusionment with several internal and global issues within her church and her religion, over the past few years, were reason enough to allow her vow to her God to lose its once all-consuming power. After much inner turmoil, many meetings with Mother Superior, and hours of deep and painful prayer, she chose to leave her spiritual home, and, in so doing, was excommunicated from the church. She set out to face a new life offering her freedom and options that had been previously forbidden. She secured an office job in the administration office of the local university and rented a small basement apartment. Her new life began.

When Doug asked her out for coffee she readily accepted. They shared conversation easily and after only a few dates they became an 'item'. She never expected to admire a man, but the more that they shared, the more her admiration grew. They spent many hours together, whenever possible with his busy schedule. Her feelings began to develop and before she knew it, they were talking about sharing a life and making promises that unexpectedly filled her heart with happiness, and even though he sometimes seemed aloof, and sometimes was prone to making sarcastic remarks about her past life as a nun, and sometimes became angry and moody after drinking a little too much at a party, she chose to ignore those dark signs. Occasionally, though, after particular trying stretches in their relationship, she would make a mental list of all his good points  - his sense of humor, his curiosity, his intelligence, his attractiveness. She also made a list of his bad points - his laziness, his tendency to be judgmental and to think that he was always right. She would constantly go over the lists in her head but could never quite figure out which trait should cancel out another and so it became easier not to think about the relationship too much, not to constantly analyze it or ask herself whether he truly returned her affections. But an unsettling feeling began to creep into her heart and it lingered there far more often than she wanted it to.

Almost one year into their relationship, Doug finally introduced her to his parents. They lived exactly where one would expect to find experienced academics living - in a fine, old century home on a street near the university. There were paintings on the walls - originals, not prints - and several pieces of sculpture throughout the home. The furniture looked old and good and had a shine to it that she imagined you only got when something was polished once a week for many years. Where she came from such conspicuous good taste would be viewed with vague disapproval, hinting of a love of material things. But she knew that thinking that way was a kind of snobbishness, and, to be honest, she found their home to be interesting rather than ostentatious.

Nevertheless, the evening turned quickly uncomfortable. The four of them ate in a dining room with dark red wallpaper and an oval table big enough to comfortably seat at least a dozen people. She found his parents alarming. They were both extremely articulate and extremely opinionated and they contradicted each other constantly, so that the air was thick with interruptions and denials and barbed remarks all flying at great speed. Every now and then one or the other would suddenly remember that they were there and would pause in mid-attack and look concerned, offer them more wine, and then instantly resume battle. And every now and then, one or the other of them, in their wine-induced haze, would relate unsettling stories of their son's dysfunctional past and gradually the shadowy side of Doug's personality came to light. Details of his insecurities and character flaws, his bad decisions and desperate emotions and most of all his abusive behavior in his two previous marriages - unknown to her - painted a dark and ugly picture. His response to their 'now in the open' details was not a reaction that she would have expected from him. His eyes were filled with hatred and anger, yet his face revealed a smile - a sneer actually - that spoke frightening volumes to her. 

She became acutely aware that in her desire to experience more of life, she had naively entered into a relationship with psychological uncertainties, without first having done some background research, and was now in a situation in which she felt she could no longer safely remain. Her relationship was now filled with doubt, fear and broken promises - a relationship that no longer offered her the ability to rationalize, or even pretend, that her leaving the convent had been the right decision for her to have made. With twisted emotions, she now knew that what had seemed like a good idea at the time had actually played a tug of war with her core beliefs. Her identity and integrity were again in conflict with her actions. It was hard for her to believe that she had allowed herself to be in this space and she was completely unable to understand how she could have ended up in such a state over a mere man.

Her dreams shattered, she now had to face - head on - the struggle of love, reality and faith with delusions of good and evil. She was aware that she had made a huge mistake - she really didn't want or need any man - and she was now left to deal with the tragic results alone as no longer did she have the comfort and safety of being engulfed in the protective circle of her omnipotent God.

Life always leads us towards our destiny and every single choice we make is meaningful .....

Thought for the day:
Doors close in life and doors open. They don't always open and close together and they don't always do it when I want them to - but they do keep on opening and closing. On my journey forging footprints I have walked in and out the doors of life many times learning to rebuild my hopes and dreams on a limitless tomorrow.

There is no way to replace a departed loved one as each person is a complete world.....

Thought for the day:
After all is said and done - death is still an incomprehensible and devastating experience to those of us left behind and even after all the rationalizations and explanations, my heart still cries.

The secret of course would be to become wise before we become old.....

Contentment At Last

One of the most important life lessons that she has learned over the past several years has been how to find contentment. It has been a long, painful and often lonely walk, but now that she has 'graduated', she looks back and realizes that she is actually glad that she had taken the journey.

Along the paths on which she chose to place her footprints she had struggled with feeling insecure about herself, rued the loss of her siblings and their families through their misguided judgements, doubted her ability to enjoy retirement, did not believe that she had the discipline to change her habits, and doubted herself as a writer. All of this, of course, led to other problematic situations: she sought happiness and pleasure in distraction and procrastination. Her health deteriorated, she was constantly unhappy, and did not sleep well. Not a pretty picture.

She now realized, however, that had she never been in that negative space she would never have been able to understand why she was there and how to get out of it. And so she was grateful. She had learned a lot - about herself and how to find happiness in who she was, what she was, who she was with, what she does, and all that's around her. She is now emotionally self-reliant, and this has transformed her relationships and her happiness. She no longer needs other people to fulfill her emotional needs, to make her happy, or to blame for her unhappiness.

Her love, comfort, support and validation now come from within her. Her happiness is not in the future, not somewhere else or through someone else but is available right inside her now, all the time.  She can now exist as a whole, happy person, needing nothing. From this place of wholeness, of self-reliance and independence she can love those with whom she shares her life journey, not because she wants them to love her back, not because she wants to be needed, but because loving them, to her, is wonderful.

And she is, at last, content. 

The love and devotion I gave to my children I thought I could give to no other, but life handed me a pleasant surprise the day I became a grandmother.....

Aynsleigh Carys

April 6, 2014 

May your future be forever bright and may all your dreams come true

From your ‘Grammie’ – with a love greater than any words can capture

  

                       

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY                 

Beverlee (Grammie) Blampied (c)                    

You’re 18 years old today –

Hope you will enjoy every minute

It’s a very special, momentous occasion

So revel happily within it

Make the day a life lasting memory

One you celebrate in style

One that you will remember often

And fondly, with many a smile

You’ve grown up so beautifully

And my memories of you stand tall

But I still remember the day you were born

So precious and so small

You’re now a smart and beautiful young lady

Of whom I am so very proud

I want to put you on a pedestal

And float you on a fluffy cloud

As there’s a special place within my heart

That’s like an overflowing cup

A place where I have stored my memories

As you rapidly grew up

Now as you celebrate your 18^th birthday

You enter the complicated world of womanhood

And I want you to know that along the way

I will be beside you through the bad and the good

I’ve travelled paths you’ve yet to walk

Learned lessons old and knew

And now this wisdom from my life

I’m blessed to be able to share with you                                                     

  

The world is far from perfect

It’s often filled with conflict and strife

But you can make a difference

By how you choose to live your life

Let your kindness spread like sunshine

Comfort those you know who are sad

Respect people’s dignity -, leave others,

With whom you cross paths, feeling glad

Walk softly when you are angry

Try not to take personal offense

Rely on your sense of humor

As the power of laughter is immense

Express what you are feeling,

Your beliefs you should always uphold

Don’t back away from what is right

Be courageous and be bold

Remember your friends and family

Of which you are a precious part

Love deeply and love truly

Giving freely from your heart

Forgive those who will hurt you

But always keep your pride

Listen closely to their viewpoint

Try to see the other side

Do not judge another if their thoughts

And opinions differ from you

Walk a mile along someone else’s path

To find what may be true 

 Keep hope within your heart and soul

As it will guide you day by day

Take it out when it is needed

And when it’s near, you’ll find your way

You’ll always be my source of pride

No matter where your path may go

You’ll always be my winner

And your victories will shine and glow

All your dreams and goals sit right before you

Very tangible and very near

Stand up - tall and proud - face the world

And within you feel no fear

I’ve been very blessed to be your ‘Grammie’

And I know the wonders you will do

You are a very special part of me

And I believe completely in you 

Aynsleigh –

I want you to look in the mirror of your world and see beauty – but, more than that, when you reflect on your inner self I want you to always know how special you are – how much you mean to all of us who love you. I want you to know that it has been my privilege to be your ‘Grammie’ and that my love for you is totally accepting and unconditional.

                                                                                                                                                                       

If it is truth, what does it matter who wrote it.....

Thought for the day:
My poems and stories are not evidence of my life - they are art  - they are creative - and should be treated as such. What I write is my identity - it is who I am, but that doesn't mean that I am the way a reader thinks I am. The reading depends on the individual reader - the reader's reality - and I am not responsible for their interpretation.

As we awaken to who we really are we become aware that our soul will always speak to us in our silence.....

Personal Insight

She watched, fascinated, as the store owner deftly wrapped, twisted and tucked the long red and gold sari around her while directing her on how to adjust it properly. One final tuck and the transition from a Canadian to an authentic sari-clad Indian woman would be complete - except, of course, for the color of her skin. The store owner put her hands together in the classic 'namaste' fashion and then took a picture of her - the very reason she had entered the store. She was mesmerized to witness how, in just a matter of minutes, she had been transformed, in dress, to appear identical to the many local Indian women shopping in the Little India area of Toronto. She did feel guilty, though, about having perhaps misled the shop owner into thinking that she was certain about purchasing the sari, but quickly reminded herself that the owner had invited her, numerous times as she passed the store front, to come in and have her picture taken in a beautiful sari. 

She turned to the mirror, eager to be faced with a newly born Indian woman, but what she saw instead was a fair-skinned, older woman with short, white hair, draped in a beautiful sari, a black turtleneck sticking out from the neck, and sneakers peeking out from the bottom. In short, she saw a Canadian woman pretending - attempting -  to be a woman of Indian descent - and failing miserably! She sighed, disappointed. Truthfully, though, she wasn't shocked - her face hadn't seen the sun all winter - but she had been hoping to appear slightly more Indian and much  less Canadian to be able to assimilate when she arrived in India on a much anticipated and long dreamed of vacation. 

Her experiences in India were exhilarating - wearing many saris, traveling through cities and deserts, familiarizing her taste buds with cumin and curries - but somehow her inner core was not changed. She had not been able to train herself to think like a native Indian woman - to operate according to their rhythm. She found herself very frustrated and try as she may, she simply could not be, could not feel, authentically Indian. She wondered why it was so hard for her to embrace the Indian lifestyle, not merely from the outside, but from within as well, knowing that she had placed her footprints along all the right paths.

She sat in silence on her plane trip home, deep in thought, revisiting every detail of her vacation.  Finally she came to the realization that perhaps she had not done anything wrong but had actually done everything right. She had been able to submerge herself in another culture yet not drift away in it. She had absorbed their language, clothing, music and traditions yet did not get absorbed by them. She had been able to see, hear, taste, and appreciate yet she had remained apart - different. After all, she was different - Canadian - she was not supposed to be Indian. She had not changed herself to adapt to her vacation surroundings. 

She reflected on her roots and growth and understood that she had learned another life lesson and that was to always keep in mind where her life journey started.  And that, as in all areas of her life, was her ideal - to be true to herself - to remain who she was no matter where she was - to be herself in someone else's living room, not letting any exterior influences effect the essentials in her heart or her convictions.