Happy 60th Birthday Rosemary, my friend -  even though you are no longer here, you will remain in my heart and  memory forever....

Celebration

I will not shed any more tears because you are gone but instead I will smile because you lived. I will not close my eyes and wish that you were here but instead I will open my eyes and see all that you have left behind. My heart could be empty because I can't see you anymore but instead my heart is full of gratitude for the friendship we shared. I can turn my back on tomorrow and see only yesterday but instead I will continue to be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday and the times that we shared. I can remember only that you are gone but instead I will cherish your memory and let it live on. I can close my mind, be empty and turn my back but instead I will do what you would want and that is open my eyes, laugh and live life to its fullest.

'See' you Saturday night at a get-together in your honor......

Along the twisted paths of our life  journey,  we often discover that being misunderstood can be very, very painful and can paint us  in a negative light.....but - through positive reflection, we can also learn that the negative things that result from misunderstandings can not be controlled by us and so do not have to be perceived as the final measure of who we are.  

On Being Misunderstood

One of the hardest things for her was being misunderstood - you could even say she hated it - having someone (especially those in her life whom she loved) misunderstand her, misinterpret her, and judge her incorrectly. Maybe it wasn't even the misunderstanding that she hated so much, as much as it was the times that  she was given no opportunity to clarify and bring about understanding. She thought maybe that was it - that misunderstandings with clarity and understanding immediately after the issue, she could handle, but misunderstanding with no clarity and understanding afterwards, she could not. 

She always wanted to go back to the issues at hand and be understood, and constantly wondered what the root of that was - was it her pride wanting to make sure that she wanted someone to really understand where she was coming from, or was it her attempt to control what people thought of her. Or was it her desire to please people and consequently have them like/love her. She did know that she had a very hard time letting the misunderstanding go. Especially, she believed, because she was someone who desired integrity and wanted people to see the honest picture of her true character, as the thought of her character or actions being called into question truly devastated her.  

There are different levels of misunderstandings, and she felt that she had experienced them all in the past few years with the actual physical loss of her mother and the subsequent painful emotional loss of her family.  The consequences of those events had left her feeling that she was alone in her world without the hope of ever being understood by those with whom she had shared her heart and soul. To her, being truly misunderstood was  so much deeper than life's day to day negative scenarios. It meant actual judgements having been made about her and her children and partner, and her not being given the liberty to correct those who had made the judgements. It meant suffering the bite of the offenses and the consequences with a very real hurt that remained unknown to those who had made the remarks and the judgements and in one particular instance, those who had issued the consequences of sibling disassociation. She felt like she had been put into a box, out of her control, and had no way of negotiating with those who had put her there - the ones who believed their ideas about her, and not her truth. How could she even conceive of attempting to start 'peace-treaty' talks, or attend family gatherings and important celebrations, when she was in the prison of being misunderstood? How could she correct the rumors and misconceptions about her and her character when the circumstances and persons in 'power' had put a proverbial piece of duct tape over her mouth and left her feeling that she had no voice to raise? If they had only listened with an open mind to what she had to say, and if they had only validated her right to have an opinion and something to say and accepted that she was their equal - and if only they had heard her and offered her a "we understand how you could feel the way you do", the tapestry of her family would still be on the loom, weaving rich, colorful memories.

She had suffered greatly for being misunderstood and as a result she has had to change, but through this change has come acceptance and growth. She is learning that understanding is an ongoing thing and can only be shared with those who are interested in each other - not just themselves - with those who want to be interested in learning who she is at this moment, and she in who they are in this moment - and in this moment........and in this moment..... She is learning to emotionally manage the misunderstandings, recognize and evaluate them from where and when they came, and can now actually view having being misunderstood as a positive learning experience - a good life lesson - and as of today - no more fear and no more regret - a tribute now to a loving, safe and comfortable acceptance and understanding of who she is - flaws and all.  

  

As we travel our life journey we discover, over and over again, that everything we ever need to  know is already within us.........

Random Thoughts and Reflections

Every conscious thought that I speak and every sharing of words I have with others leaves an imprint, either positive or negative, that will surround us and stay with us forever.....

Words are my most powerful drug.....

Words that come from my heart can enter another's heart.....

My sister may not always be my friend, but a true friend will always be my sister.....

A kind word, spoken to me or by me, is better than a gift, as words last forever and gifts rarely do.....

If I am content, I have enough. If I complain maybe I have too much.....

My courage is strengthened when I share it with others.....

If I live well and treat others well, I have learned what I need to  know.....

There is no such thing as failure if I continue to keep trying and learn in the process.....

To be creative I have to lose my fear of being negatively critiqued.....

It is less important for me to have more friends and more important for me to have real ones.....

If someone gossips to me they will also gossip about me.....

No one can make me unhappy without my consent.....





  

Write what is in your heart as if everyday may be your last....

My Legacy For My Children

For as long as I can remember I have been telling myself that I will fulfill my dreams - experience my passion - and write a book - I would use all of my experiences, and everything that I have learned about life and all the people with whom I have crossed paths and write my novel. Would that it should be so easy! My need to fulfill my dream is very powerful, but life seems to have  always put roadblocks in the way! 

The joyful birth of my new grandson, however, has made me reflect again on all that life gives to us - good and bad - happy and sad, and my memories have taken me back to the loss of my mother, several years ago, to Alzheimer Disease. Having experienced the pain of watching her decent into, and ultimate death from Alzheimer Disease, I think of the memories of a mother unknown. Her past was imprisoned in the shell of who she was with Alzheimer's and that is all I or my children and grandchildren have left of her - the disease had eaten away her mind and concurrently robbed us of her past. There is so much that we don't know about her and will never know about her. Each memory we have is now only a moment captured in time, fringed with nostalgia but lacking in depth. 

Tomorrow is promised to no-one, and should familial Alzheimer Disease rear its ugly head and cover me in its dark veil, I realize again that I need to, for my children and grandchildren, prepare a 'memory' trail - a story - of my journey through life - my thoughts, my loves, my likes, my dislikes, my accomplishments, my failures - my everyday existence. 

So - I am now in the process of jumping in with both feet. I must see to it that my children and grandchildren never feel remorse at having never truly known the inner 'workings' of their mother/grandmother. I must see to it that the words in me have a voice that can be shared. I must write - I will write - so that when I die, they will have known me well. They will know that I loved them and why. They will know what I loved about life. They will know that I was a writer, and that my words were authentic accounts of my life journey and these words will last their lifetime. My words will be my legacy to them.

My quest to journal my footprints has sustained my dreams and hopes and given me something to strive for, and my ultimate wish is that the 'results' will warm my family's heart, comfort them and make their memories of me real and touchable and keep me close to them - always.

The miracle of birth has produced my fourth grandchild - Bronson Gareth, born into love on January 11, 2013 

Welcome to the World

How fast time passes. Only nine months ago you became a constant thought  - the anticipation of your arrival into our world was always utmost in our minds. Now you are here and as I held  you in my arms, in the hospital, I thought about how, to me and your families, you epitomize the torch of life being passed from one generation to the next and from one family to the next. I felt blessed to see and hold you - and even more blessed to witness your Mom and Dad and sisters seeing you for the first time, with you, unknowingly blending two families into one. There is a new link in the chain of the family circle that holds within it the many facets of precious life and the circle that will surround you with all the family and love you will ever need.

The attention that you have drawn is quite amazing. We are once again incredulous at the miraculous gift of life contained so compactly in your beautiful little 'wonder'. Tiny fingers and toes - such a perfect nose and mouth - such a wondrous miniature replica of every part of a full grown human being.

My dear grandson, as I stare at your perfectly formed tiny self, I think that just as you have all your physical features - ten fingers and toes and beautiful big eyes - how, on another level, you already have within you all your inborn, innate characteristics and talents. True - they will need to be nurtured and developed, refined and directed, but in their rawest state they are there, just hidden within you.

And, similarly on another level,  you already have within you all the strengths and qualities that you will ever need - still veiled and buried, but the potential very much alive inside of you - for any and every sojourn that your soul will encounter in this world.

None of us knows where your life journey will take you, but wherever your destiny guides you, know always that you were enthusiastically wanted and will be dearly loved by all of us.

My sweet, little grandson, welcome into our family. Welcome to our world. And you, my precious baby, with your tiny self, represent so much hope in all that can be.

  

Through my travels along the twisting pathways of my life journey, I have found that words are authentic and are the only thing that last a lifetime..........

Authentically Finding Meaning In Middle Age

We middle aged (older) women are constantly being told that now is the time to do what we always wanted to do. Choose to do what we like and go ahead and do it. Pursue our interests. Develop skills. Learn new skills. Get in touch with ourselves. Get a life.

It's about living authentically, say all the fixers of the middle age crisis and the empty nest syndrome. We are advised to get in touch with our real selves, discover who we are, and go ahead and live the lives we've really always wanted - an authentic life  - now that we are older, wiser, and freer.

Were we really inauthentic before we got older? Were we inauthentic when we stayed up nights nursing croupy babies and nauseous teens? Were we inauthentic when we packed lunches, arranged play dates and made our children's art projects in between tending to laundry, jobs and families? What was inauthentic about the choices we made then - the sacrifices and the priorities? Did those choices have less validity than our current choices? Were they not real?

What is authenticity? I believe that it is making decisions with consciousness and acting on those decisions with mindfulness, and assuring that the values that prompted my decisions remain paramount. It is about taking charge of what I want and being able to keep sight of it throughout the struggles and the exhaustion and the constant, and many times, negative opinions of others. It means authentically dealing with the hand I am dealt. It means doing the best that I can with the stuff I didn't choose. It means holding my head up and doing what I have to do even when I would much rather not.

It's true that once my children became adults and left home to forge their own journeys, I did have more freedom, and hopefully I have chosen to spend my newfound free time wisely. Having lived authentically through diapers and dishes, I already know my own mind. I am aware of my priorities. I have communicated my questions, sought my answers, and contemplated my solutions. I know who I am because of all the choices that I have made along my way.

The question now is whether I can meet the challenge that I have set for myself as I travel through this stage of middle/older age. Do I have the fortitude to zero in on my chosen objective and work toward its achievement? Now that this is wholly my own challenge, can I make it happen the way I tried to make aspirations happen for my children? Do I have the energy and resourcefulness to nurture myself  - to give myself that which I gave my family?

I do know that I am excited to have finally reached this stage of my life. I can now draw on all that I have experienced along the paths of my life journey and find my meaning by recording those experiences and feelings through my passion - writing - and have begun charting my footprints on paper in the form of stories and hopefully, one day, I will publish my  long dreamed of novel. And this Blog is my beginning - the first chapter to the next chapter of my journey through life.     

Our life journey takes us down paths that will put us in the way of pain and test us, many times, but we can learn along the way that though the heart is strong like a diamond and fragile like glass it is able to withstand the pressure and pain caused by others.......

In Need Of Love 

She was having a problem with love - she was empty. She didn't have any left to give - or so she felt. She had been pouring out without tapping into the pouring in - she knew that there was love pouring into her all the time, but she didn't seem to have the grasp to hold onto it. It didn't make much sense - she wanted the love, she prayed for it and felt for it like a desperate groper in a dark elevator. She knew that it was there but she was not able to hold it long enough to feel at peace and pour it back into her significant relationships. 

Recently she had become aware of how much she sought approval. From everyone. In the home, in the cooking, in the cleaning, at work, in her relationships with her friends. When she got dressed in the morning, she thought about who she would be seeing during the day, and how they would expect her to look. Even in the doing of her good deeds she always needed the stamp of approval, and yet, when she got it, it didn't make her feel good - at least not for long. The inner bitterness had its way of corroding external praise. Not that doing the right thing and getting approval was bad, per se. But it was a demeaning way to live. She wanted to do what was right because she was a believer in the greater good - and she had a little role to fill in the big universe in which she existed. She didn't want to need to get a stamp of approval like a band-aid to help her get through her day.

She knew many in her world who seemed to be full enough that their love spilled over - they were always full of love, and joy and holiness - all the right stuff - it just oozed and spilled over all whom they touched, and it came without demands of manipulation and flowed without conditions on its recipients. She wondered if they were always like that or did their parents do something right? Or was it a choice that they made for themselves, something they worked on and became. She felt so lacking - not that she thought they were easier on themselves than she was, but there wasn't an ounce of bitterness in them. Most of them  were less of a perfectionist than she was, but they were definitely more perfected. Sometimes she felt that her very cells were screaming with self-hatred, and, if not, then held an emptiness, a yearning for someone to scoop her up, fix her character, and make her world okay. But that hadn't happened.

She was also very afraid to get close to anyone. She yearned for love, closeness and companionship, but was afraid of becoming attached, afraid of depending on someone else and getting hurt, getting let down again, in the process. When she was first married she and her husband shared many wonderful moments. Then they had crushing moments. Then, when more good moments came, she was a little less into them; she was holding back. The less invested she was in the 'moments' the less the next 'bite' would hurt. Maybe it was a coping tool she had learned in her childhood, but it didn't really help, because the 'bite' still hurt. Again and again. And then her marriage ended. And with the loss, she had lost her capacity to trust, to love and to be close. 

But she knew that she was not yet numb. She didn't want to pass her pain on to her children. She wanted them to have love and closeness with her and with chosen others in their lives. But she saw that as much as she had revealed love for them, her hidden hatred of herself had inadvertently created a stinging bubble around her that had, without her intent, filled their existence.

She wondered if she had always been like this or was this something in her that she had absorbed from her parents as they dealt, in their unique way, with their own pain and trials in life.  She felt that perhaps she had been the most sensitive of her siblings and she might have absorbed their parent's pain, perfectionism and cynicism.  But she realized, too, that they also gave her their genes and a good dose of intelligence and she knew that she now needed to seek some guidance - some counseling - so she, too, could be able to radiate serenity and warmth. Life's turns and tumbles, if reflected on properly, could be used to soften her edges and she could learn through them, and discover how she could give the very best she could to those she loved. 

Sh now dared to touch the depth of her pain, in the hope that by kneading it with her raw heart, she might be able to bring change - she did have the strength of character to put a smile on her face and to force it to take root in embodied compassion and no longer  projected the pain that her own heart bled into the lives of her children.  She was able to heal herself for them and finally found peace and enjoyment knowing that others could not truly love her unless she loved herself, and so she taught herself to finally be proud of who she was, imperfections and all.   

   

   

To Aynsleigh Carys, Tegan Noelle and Rhianne Kayley - my three beautiful granddaughters, whom I love with all my heart.....

What I Want For You

I want you to look in the mirror and see beauty, but more than that, when you reflect on your inner self, I want you to see how special you are. Accept yourself the way you are, imperfections and all.

I want you to feel good about decisions that you make and to own those decisions. Don't let anyone else claim ownership to your feelings or decisions.

I want you to respect yourself. If a little red flag goes off in your mind, or  your stomach feels somewhat queasy, pay attention. Trust your intuition, it can save your life, as your intuition talks to you through many different parts of your body and soul. Try to be open to them all.

I want you to ask for help when  you need it.

I want you to feel safe.

I want you to never feel ashamed.

I want you to believe in your abilities and to recognize them and your achievements.

I want you to always be honest - especially with yourself - be true to 'you'.

I want you to need yourself and your feelings - they are neither right nor wrong - they are yours alone.

I want you to find love, but first find it within yourself.

I want you to always love your family - they are from where you come and they offer you the soft place you can fall when your world turns upside down.

I want you to love each other and stay close with each other - sisters have a very special bond and I don't want yours to ever be broken.

I want you to feel that there is some higher power - a spiritual connection - looking over you.

I want you to always be close to me and to know that the love I have for you is bigger than all of these words. 

Our life journey weaves a tapestry of footprints as we travel along our ever-changing paths.....

The Woven Tapestry of Life

With our first breath we have a powerful need for an attentive touch. Our infancy is a loom that is limited to only knowing need and that need must be delivered by the gentle, caring touch of a human hand. Once self-sufficient, our needs increase and can only be attained through our  own deliberate choices. A tapestry of our choices is then defined by the things and experiences that have touched us, positively and negatively, and taken us to places that get woven into our lives. A countless measure of our life's events determines how to find the touch needed and how to choose to receive it.  A kiss on the forehead, a soft hug of comfort, a hand placed on ours to  let us know that we are not alone, a shoulder on which to rest our dreams -  all of the simple basic pleasures and pains of our childhood serve us for a lifetime.

The fibers of living are inevitably spun of truth and lies, generosity and greed, sharing and possessing, dignity and shame, courage and fear, humility and ego, desire and denial, clarity and confusion so we must weave our tapestries gently and with care. Through trial and error, I have learned that my fibers should be chosen carefully so that they are not spun of regret. My experiences, observations, actions and realizations can weave tapestries of giving and receiving and I must weave positive protection to keep me free from harm. Patience allays misunderstanding, listening grows trust, reality defeats fantasy, simplicity overrides illusion, validation promotes success, gratitude delivers satisfaction,  accountability defeats risk, and affirmation denies insult.  Truly seeing what I have will bind satisfaction. Touching hearts will connect souls.

My tapestry will be woven throughout my lifetime but the truths of my tapestry will stay behind long after I am gone and will continue to be the history - the memory - of who I was and will hopefully be a guide for those with whom I have loved and shared life, as they  choose their fibers and weave from their unique loom.   

Random paths along my journey, random thoughts along those paths......

Sometimes I question what I do not understand and, without knowing, destroy it. Sometimes I fear the unknown and without knowing, fail to experience it. Sometimes I try to run before I walk and without knowing, fall down and never get up. Sometimes I want to soar  with wings too small and not knowing, crash into the sun and sometimes I hurt the ones I love, and, not knowing, never make amends - sometimes and without knowing.....

I awake each day with uncertainty, screw up our courage and head out to face my world. I wish for things I can not have and reject the things I can. I know the facts, have been taught the rules, and obey the laws. I dream the good dream, study my options, make my choices, suffer the consequences, want to know who's who and what's what, but I, most often, don't even know myself..... 

I sit in the rain to hide my tears, faint sounds of splashing in my ears. I sink to the ground, not making a sound - nothing has a point, my soul is out of joint and it seems there is no hope as I try my best to cope.....

After you left again I laid down my heart and I died inside as I've been left alone to miss you so many times that I just don't anymore.... 

This, too, will pass - only for this moment will the intensity of disappointment and sadness last. Morning will come to scatter the stars and this, too. will pass. Night will drape a warm blanket of hope over daytime tears and ease the soul away, but this, too, will pass. Nothing is constant, and nothing remains.....

Do not measure me with your eyes because they haven't got the capacity to give you my true dimensions - if you have an open mind you may just begin to see that there is more to me than whatever meets your eyes....

I have come to believe that organized Christianity is for people who are afraid of going to hell - spirituality is for  those of us who have already been there.....

In my life every story has an ending, and in every story, the ending is a new beginning.....

Life's lessons have taught me that the key to succeeding in a relationship is not in finding the right person to love, but in learning to love the person I have found.....

Once again you've burst my bubble, leaving me empty, laying in a huddle. So I am giving you back your secrets and your lies - no more pain will they cause in their disguise.....

My soul has many chambers where it can go - not measured by width - just depth.....

Love is like the sunshine that makes me a cloud. Love sounds a whisper, but the feeling is loud. Love creeps upon me, doubt scares it away.  But "Patience" my heart says "soon will come the day when I will open the black sky and fill it with light, and you'll love then, forever, when the timing is right"....

I will always keep within my heart a secret place, a place apart, where I can hide my dreams.....

People say that I can do anything I want if I want it badly enough. It's nonsense, of course, but I suppose we all work on the assumption that it is true - that life is simple, that effort will be rewarded. It wouldn't be worth getting out of bed in the morning if I didn't believe that.....

Who will say the final goodbye first - and who will make it last - me and my pain or  you and your fear? 

Everyone knows that you don't discuss exes when you're in a fledgling relationship. Even though you are dying to know those details from the very beginning, that is something you  bring up much later in the game. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to have that concept down. Dating someone new is a fresh start and no good can come from rehashing the past - and by definition - failed relationships.....

I have tried so hard to deal with our heartache knowing there is nothing to gain, and so, to survive,  I'll let go of our dream - for no matter how short the time may be, it is too long a wait, in pain.....

I am missing you far more than you ever loved me.....

Expressing my feelings is the key to surviving whatever fate throws my way.....

Life is a song - love is the music....
.
Here's to times that never were but should have been, or times that are but still can't be..... 

I am following my heart; I am taking a chance; I am crazy; I am self-destructive; I am hurtful; I am confused; I am rebelling; I am afraid of marriage; I am afraid of love; I am already in love; I have no idea; I don't know .....

Solitude is a party, private, where I invite myself to dine on implication, to drink of significance, to dance alone to the lonely beat of my heart.....

Love me for who I am. Do not try to change me. Please try to understand my heart where within there lies a burning need, so deep, to just be loved for being me, different though I may be..... 

I have so many dreams waiting to be realized that I no longer want to put limits on myself. I will now  reach for my goals, wish upon a star and continually remind myself that I am unique and special and do deserve to be more than just second best....

With you came the pain that made me long for solitude - with solitude came the loneliness 
that made me long for you.....

My home is where my sanity lives....

As soon as I trust myself I will know how to live.....

My children are  loves that will last a lifetime..... 

I now know that it is okay to have some secrets that no one else need ever know.....

I have learned that I must cherish the moment while I can - the past is only yesterday and the future holds secrets unknown.....

I cherish my dreams as they are the children of my soul and the blueprints of my ultimate achievements.....

Poetry moves my soul, music stirs my spirit, beauty inspires my senses, and memories touch my heart..... 

Get what you feel in line with what you think and only then decide what to do...... 

A Walk In The Clouds

Her heart's journey had been fraught with many disappointments, the most damaging of which had led her to Toronto, leaving behind her past life in the North.

At the beginning of the last New Year, she sat in a sparsely decorated living room in an apartment on the outskirts of the city, waiting for her new furniture to arrive. She opened her laptop and wrote a few e-mails, some to her family and some to the friends she had left behind in her search for a new life.

She had often dreamed of living in a big city, but had never felt the need to escape her childhood home and surroundings, until now, in the aftermath of a  painful marriage breakup that had left her heartbroken.

The combination of what had happened and the constant replaying of things that she perhaps could have - should have - done differently had left her emotionally exhausted. Although she had managed to secure a transfer in her position with The Ministry of Health and Welfare, in a downtown Toronto location, her faded self-esteem and purpose had greatly dampened her enthusiasm for a fresh start and socially she felt alone and isolated - she missed her home, family and friends.

All of this had created the perfect storm in her existence and it had taken it's toll on her, physically and emotionally. She couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and was unable to concentrate and/or focus for any length of time, and she desperately hoped that she would be able to perform adequately in her job which was to begin on the following Monday. In her head and her heart, she gave herself a year before she would return home - a failure again - but each day, in the meantime, she was sentenced to think of that which she did not wish to think about, and kept hoping that maybe - just maybe - she would have a good day again - someday.

So, there she sat in a  partially empty apartment, waiting, not just for new furniture, but for life. The furniture arrived later that day. Life, however, took longer.

Over the next few months, she made a few friends at her office, but still spent most of her evenings and weekends alone. She walked a lot and explored the city, but when she returned to her apartment she was met with an overwhelming loneliness. And that was her existence. But, in a large part, she needed that time to think, time to retreat, and time to seek some form of spiritual connection. This was her wilderness moment and she needed to find her path back. She needed to breath in new life - leave the old life behind her - and build a new future.

She began to read a lot - fiction, non-fiction and many self-help books. She enrolled in a book club at the local library and later signed up for an adult education course in dealing with life's disappointments. She learned that disappointments can hold within them a gift. Her discovery journey was painful, but as she moved through the clouds, she stretched herself, tried new things and received more than a few scrapes, bumps and bruises along the way. She began learning how to deal with the hazards yet still fulfill her purpose. She discovered that when dealing with her emotions she couldn't hide them away - they needed to be dealt with one way or another. So, she worked with them and uncovered the information and gifts that they offered her. She was able to slow down enough to pay attention to the messages her heart was giving her, she got to the core of her problems, and created some space to get a clear perspective on her life and what she had to offer herself and her world.

Near the end of her first year in Toronto, her new future took hold. The future, it turned out, was in the form of a gentleman whom she had met at one of the Life Seminars she had attended in the summer, and he had a smile that changed her forever. Life had again handed her a gift, but this time, as a result of her learning how to move past the moment and redefine her journey, she was ready to walk through the clouds and face her new world with her heart mended, her soul alive again, and her eyes wide open. 

  

As we follow the paths of our life journey, we should write down where the paths take us, while we can.....

Growing Older 

With the first day of the year 2013 unfolding, I am reminded of a sentence that I have recently read that stated "the older you get, the closer your loves are to the surface".  This statement has made me reflect on the fact that as I get closer to leaving 'middle age' behind and approach my seventies, I am pleasantly surprised that the transition, instead of being as difficult as I had envisioned, is becoming far more liberating emotionally. 

As I grew older I discovered myself - I found out what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. And I know that although I still don't, and never will, know everything, I do know that as I continue to age, the relationships I have with my partner, my children, my grandchildren, my family and my true friends are vital to my existence. 

This is not that distinctive a change from my younger years, but then I was quicker to anger, more defensive, and much more anxious. Now I have developed a greater sense of inner peace and I am no longer feeling the need to prove anything to anyone. I know that I deserve to be in relationships with those I love that make me happy, don't complicate my life, and don't hurt me. I have leaned to realize that I'll never be good enough for some people and that this is their problem, not mine.  I have learned that whom and what I love is my life's surface and as I live in the 'now' I am experiencing the silver lining of aging. I see more clearly what's important and do my best to invest in it. And what is important, in the end, are the experiences that are rich with positive emotion.

Every experience that I go through changes me in some way. Every new person I meet changes me. Every moral dilemma and emotional experience I come up against changes me - my job now, at this stage of my life - is to decide how. I have learned that any pain I go through will end - I just have to take a deep breath and think of one happy situation in my life and smile. I can get through another day. 

I have learned to stop analyzing the past, to stop analyzing the future, to stop trying to figure out precisely how I feel, and to stop deciding with my mind what I want my heart to feel. Whatever happens - happens! It certainly is not 'pie in the sky' - I do get thrown curve balls, but I try not to dwell on things the way I used to - and so I am better able to move on. I know I will get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond my control. But if I allow my soul the freedom to learn, my path will present itself.

Life has filled my 'baggage' with sad memories, broken promises, lost friendships, and missed opportunities. I know what it is like to believe, to hope, to dream and I also know how it feels when every promise, every feeling, every dream has been broken into pieces, which, when collected and put into the 'trunk' of my experiences are not whole anymore. Because of life and how it has affected me, I can sympathize, and so I am aging with a much more powerful empathy. Sad situations get to me even more so than they used to, but they now motivate me to reach out to others for the give and take of comfort and compassion, as feeling these emotions, with all their richness and subtlety is part of the meaning of my life and the part of what brings the people and things that I love close to the surface.