One night at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time - and along her journey somewhere between those infinite expanses of depression and aching there have been pockets of enough warmth and belonging and love and support from family and friends to make all the pain bearable and the fortitude worth it.....
The Game of Life
Something about the expansiveness of winter turning into spring is making her eager in a way she hasn't been for a very long time, and, in that sense, at least, the dashing of expectations she hadn't even known she had is priceless for whatever hand the changing of seasons has had in it. Until recently she had found her thoughts running off again, since that was the only thing she knew how to do when dealing with too much unmanageable emotion.
But over the past winter she has learned enough to know that nothing will ever go away until it has taught her what she needs to know. This has been her reminder through her pain, even in the blind moments of depression - hours, days and months. Her goal through all of this - this nebulous nightmare/dream that is life - has not been to dodge the truth that she has been hurt or to somehow sidestep the bruising it has left, but has been instead to move on, realizing that in the middle of the storm she has discovered what is in the middle of her.
Did she believe that there was some good in all the anguish she has suffered? Inherently - no. Did she believe that something good could be made of it? Yes - enough that she was willing to stake herself in it; enough that she was willing to trudge through the grief and the emotional turbulence - the physical pain and mental agony - and thereby work to fashion something halfway worthwhile out of all the wrongs.
What she now knows is that she can have a new life, a changing encounter, travel to a place that may cause a shift in her heart, meet someone who could change her. She can go, do, read, see, experience something that might even make it just a little harder to breathe. And she will survive. From now on her life will be different. The difference now, though, is that she knows that the new experiences won't be full grown. They will be new beginnings but not the journey itself. They will be the map she will use as a roadmap along her journey, but not fully the path where she will place her footprints. And, it will be up to her, and her only, to decide to continue blazing new trails. She will not backslide and retreat into routine and then have to wonder why things don't change. Too often she has gone through something emotionally detrimental and through necessity of her circumstances, has had to slip back into the normalcy of day to day life, instead of being able to do the hard work of tending to the issue at hand. Of course, life had not changed with her vision and it was hard to understand that certain moments - experiences that had mattered so intensely - seemed not to have changed anything at all.
Now, because of the work she has done to find the light through the darkness, she is ready to grow again. She still believes in pain - it does exist. But she now believes in other things too - stronger things. She believes in joy. In happiness. In the warmth of a true relationship. In the sustenance of beauty. In the power and strength of a genuine love. And she knows these beliefs will need much nurturing.
When she anticipates not only the arrival of spring but the coming of summer as well, she thinks less now of weighing out the pain and more of nurturing herself - of picnics by a lake, the cool of the shade sitting under a tree in a friends back yard, hysterical laughter over crazy, inside jokes with friends and family, sipping iced teas in mason jars, reading all the books she had put aside, and spontaneous adventures in familiar strange places.
She is looking past her mad jaunt into depression. She believes in herself again She has faith in her abilities. She celebrates her accomplishments. She no longer feels the need to be perfect. She no longer worries about being judged, as only she knows the paths her footprints have walked and what is in her heart. She will take risks as she now has the courage to know that she may not always win but she will continue to try even when she knows she may lose. She has filed away her anger at life's negative games. She knows that although her purpose may not always be obvious, she does have a purpose. She is building a reservoir of hope, confidence, and calmness. She is open to once again trust in love. She is forever grateful and appreciative for the love and support of her family and friends. She is able to finally release her fear and in so doing she can now create her life exactly the way she wants it.
