The price of love is pain.....

Thought for the day:

Every single thing around us changes. To live with change such as the loss of a loved one and/or a loss of love, we must focus our hearts on that which remains forever, seeking only what will bring calm and purpose into our life.

The paths of my life journey have led me to the place where I am now able to not conform to my own or to other people's models. Al I need is to be myself - believe in myself - and allow all my natural 'channels' to open.....

Belief In Self 

For the past 10 years the lack of belief in myself was a major factor in my life. I never pushed past my comfort zone because I didn't really believe that I could.

While I'm not free of all self-doubt these days, I can honestly say that, as a result of recent life experiences , I now believe in myself like never before. This doesn't mean that I'll never fail again - I probably will. Probably often. But that's OK.

Along the bumpy paths that I have travelled I have learned that it is completely fine to try and to fail, to put myself out there and not be perfect. Failure, not being perfect, making mistakes, not having people agree with me, not having people love me, not being completely accepted are not negative things - they are actually positives - they are little pieces of feedback that were necessary to grow and to learn. 

I have now grown beyond the absolutely socially acceptable realm. I have accepted the things that I was afraid of - I have learned from them, embraced them and in so doing have let go of the fear.

It wasn't easy - and it took a lot of practice - but I have now removed the things that held me back. I continue to push past my discomfort, thereby growing my discomfort method. I put myself out there and am OK with not knowing if people will accept me. I make a decision now, not listening to the negative self-talk that normally held me back. I have learned to trust myself and can now go into situations, not knowing the outcome, and I am OK with that. I have learned through repeated attempts, in the relationship areas of my life, that it is OK to fail - I will survive!. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought, and that I am more capable and more tolerant of discomfort than I thought.

And through this practice, I have found myself again - and realize that being myself and leading with my heart is perfectly fine. No one person's judgement or lack of love will ever again take away anything from my strength, purpose or soul. I am complete and I am whole. I am me..... 

We live in two worlds: one that is measured with rules and one that we can feel with our heart's imagination.....

Thought for the day:
Emotions, and being connected to them, can be a tremendous source of strength

Sometimes it is necessary to change our life story to be able to change our life.....

Little Changes

Although she knew that it was time to undertake a new change in her life she was having difficulties drawing a blueprint to her future. Her memories kept returning her to a place of sadness and in that sadness came hopelessness, and in that hopelessness she found herself believing that she would not make the right changes. She so badly wanted to give up and give in to the emotional tunnel that kept pulling her backwards into doubt, anxiety, fear and dread. Facing her grief and emotions was extremely uncomfortable and so she kept telling herself that it would be okay to quit, her life or happiness didn't matter any more, she would deal with it all another time, she was not disciplined enough to handle it now, it was too hard, she couldn't do it, she was going to fail again anyway. All she really wanted was to stop thinking and feeling.

But that, of course, was not possible. She started hearing the story she had been telling herself, over and over again, and began to realize that she would continue failing because of that story. It stood in her way, more than the actual past she was now having to face, and so, to move on, she was going to have to change the story or drop it altogether.

When she did drop it, she quickly found that without the story telling her that she couldn't or shouldn't do something, there was just the reality of the world around her - just her and the moment - and without the distraction of that story she was able to have a basic understanding goodness and love in her heart. All she had needed was to take the love in her heart and be happy and able to do the things that were compassionate to herself. The struggles that she had been up against gradually all went away, as she relaxed them and turned to the goodness of the moment. And she was now able to take a step into her future.   

If we keep our mind open to change along the paths of our life journey, we will learn that our greatest success will be not in never failing, but in being able to rise again every time we do fall..... 

Thought for the day:
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, and learning from the past.

Emotional wounds are an inevitable part of life.....

Thought for the day:
At every moment of our life we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in an abyss 

Grief is the agony of an instant.....

Thought for the day:
Grief is a walk alone. Others can be there and listen. But you walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your own personal pain, your own raw wounds, your own denial, anger and bitter loss. You do, finally, come to your own peace - but it will be in your own way, in your own time.....  

Along her life journey she had learned the healing power of writing and that telling her story could transform her life.....

Closure

By the Rhine River she sat down on a bench and wept - wept for what she had left behind - wept for the relationship she had tried so hard to nurture - the personal relationship she thought she could have. She wept for the man who had made promises he failed to keep, spoke words he did not mean. The man who lacked integrity, who had lied and played mind games. The man who was without emotion or empathy and had failed/refused to notice her tears, her fears, her sadness, her pain. The man who did not see her value. She wept for him because although she would never be able to forgive him for the havoc he had brought to her life - the emotional and mental abuse that he had introduced into their relationship - she finally felt sorry for him and for his inability to love - to be connected as one. She wept because she believed that one day he would wake up and realize that he had lost the moon while searching for the stars and it would then be too late for him to ever experience what he had so callously thrown away.

She had long ago learned that every life has a story and every story has a lesson. The lesson in her story had become more clear to her when in Switzerland, as she wandered the peaceful river paths of Basel, reflected in the beauty of Lake Lucerne, gazed in awe at the snow capped Alps, walked the beautiful streets of Zurich and enjoyed the Old Country splendour of Bern. She finally realized that she had been a prisoner of the choices she had made and with this realization she was now homesick for a place that she was not sure even existed - one where her heart was full and her soul understood. She knew, too, that the best path to a fulfilling life was rarely a straight line, and her life journey had certainly taken her along many twisted roads. She had finally reached the bottom of the hill where there were no lies left. The emotional and mental battering had not killed her but had destroyed and killed her spirit. Now, in her search for a wholehearted life, she was ready to wipe away her tears, take a deep breath and let the past go - it was what it was. She would leave it all behind her. In her new search for contentment she would replenish her spirit, focus on what was important to her, capture life's good moments, develop from the negative fall-out and move on, letting karma handle the rest.  And she would remember, always, what she was worth and that she had deserved nothing less than a man who was willing and able to share his mind, body, heart and soul. A man who could share in the power of love. She had met life's challenges head on before - she could do it again. She would believe that life could be good and she would once more achieve personal success...even if it now meant building a life on her own.          

As the paths we travel along our journey awaken us to who we really are, we become aware that every detail of life has meaning and purpose - every step is a decision - every move is deliberate.....

Illusions

She was at her desk when one of her co-workers said something demeaning about her work, and she immediately got upset, felt defensive, and thought all day about how that person was wrong and how she would prove it to him.

At home, she discovered that her husband had left his dirty dishes in the sink and the garbage bin under the sink was overflowing, and she felt quite irritated by his lack of consideration. She thought about how wrong he was, and wondered why he couldn't just do the little things it would take to be more considerate.

As she was stewing in her anger over these two people who she felt had wronged her, she began to wonder what was going on in her mind - why did she have to be so frustrated, angry and irritated by these little comments and actions? 

The next day when she went to work she noticed other people also frustrated and stressed out and angry at different times in the day. She saw it in the faces of strangers on the street as well, and in the complaints of her friends as they chatted during their lunch break.

As she sat on the subway on her way home from work, her thoughts kept mulling over all the illusions of dissatisfaction she and many others seemed to be experiencing and she began to get an understanding of what was actually happening. She felt that everyone has a treasure that they need to protect - something that not everyone else can see, but what they felt was truly valuable and needed to be protected - an inner 'gem' - and when one person would interact with the other, even if the actions or conversations had nothing to do with their inner gem, each person would worry that the other was trying to attack their inner gem. Everything then became about guarding their gem, protecting it from attack, making sure it was safe. Her thought process took her to where she realized, obviously, that these gems didn't really exist - that people just imagined therm to be real, without even realizing that they were thinking that way. She became aware that it was all an illusion - an illusion that was making her unhappy.

She made a conscious decision on her journey home that evening that she would stop trying to protect an imaginary gem - stop trying to be right, to be seen as good and competent and smart and perfect - stop trying to see herself as a good person at all times. She would stop thinking that other people's words and actions had anything to do with who she knew herself to be. She would stop trying to protect her position and self-image.

And, along the paths of her life journey, after gently letting go of these illusions, she had become happier. She could now smile when someone else would start protecting their imaginary gem, and realize that their frustration or rudeness had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with what they were protecting. She now went about her day, focussing on and enjoying each moment, knowing that if she took good care of each moment her every tomorrow would have a vision of hope.  

  

Life's lessons have taught that placing footprints into a committed relationship takes courage, compassion and vulnerability but unfortunately being vulnerable can often lead to being blind to reality.....


Poems by Beverlee Blampied (c)

You came to me as no other had 
With dreams that I longed to share
A man, once proud, with eyes so sad
You caught me unaware
Without a hint, without a sign
And my heart went out to you
I dreamt that one day you'd be mine
To keep and hold as true
I chased an illusive dream that had no end
Went searching for the stars
Now here I am, and have to mend
My broken heart of scars
My tears will dry and run anew
Now that all hope is lost
How can I bear to make it, though
Without you - at what cost
Once my friend, my lover, sweet and kind
But to the 'deceptive' you I was so blind
And now hopefully one day soon I'll learn to live
Without your betrayal always on my mind
Knowing my heart I will never again give


Did you leave our life some months ago
Did rain fall hard but very slow
Or was that my tears mixed with your abusive words
That fell hard just as spring showers could
What you said - what I heard
Though this to me does seem absurd
After all your once kind and once caring words
I was now afraid to hear you speak
As I listened and knew that what you said
Were words that your troubled mind had fed
I had always watched the sky for rain
And prayed that it would not come again
But in truth I did rather the raindrops fall
Than not to have you in my life at all
So I often walked 'tear'-soaked, but stayed
Through all the drizzling, rain soaked days
Held on through each painful 'episode'
Hoping one day you would find your way back - then
When the sun, someday, as in the past
Would shine warmly on us once again


Your walking away
Shouldn't have to  be so  hard
When your staying with me
Would be twice the pain for you
Your walking away
Should ease the grief
That shatters my heart
Yet it hurts less for me 
Than watching you
Turn your back on my love
So if your walking away
Brings you such relief
Why are my tears
Falling so freely
When my love for you
Wanted only your happiness

Lying here watching the morning shadows
Dance across my bedroom walls
I let my mind drift back to when we shared our life
When you were the 'authentic' you
And I could cuddle up by your side -
Listen to you breathe
Reassuring me that when the dawn's light entered the room
You would turn and our day would begin
But now, as the morning shadows linger in the room
I rise to face another day - our 'forever and always' -
Without you.....
  

If only it were easier to forget and smile than to remember and be sad....

Thought for the day:
Those we have loved and shared our heart and soul with leave deep impressions that can not ever be erased as though they were marked with indelible ink - every physical trace of that person who hurt us can be removed from our life but we are still left with the string of painful memories.....  

Suffering can lead us to reconsider the meaning of our existence.....

Thought for the day:

Sometimes we lose what we thought was so special - but sometimes, in hindsight, we find that what we lost wasn't so wonderful after all, and so we must choose to begin to learn to rise above our loss and set out to find a better place to land. Hopefully, one day, we will find our way back to a space where we will be comfortable again. During our grieving process our emotions will flow like a river and memories will sneak out of our eyes and roll down our cheeks as tears, coming from nowhere, and engulfing all that we are. Often we will stand at the cusp of nothing as things happen in a way that is never expected. But along our journey we will learn that at the end of something that was never supposed to end, something new can begin. It is hard to explain and it is even harder to live. 

We must believe that there will - again - be a smile behind our sorrow, love behind our hurt and anger, and a reason behind the silence of our thoughts. And, then, in that painful silence we can allow ourselves to hear the truth and in the subsequent changes we can search for our true direction.

Some paths will appear in front of us; paths that we are meant to take no matter how much we may want to avoid them. We will not always know why we must walk a particular trail or where the trail will lead us, but it is there in front of us as part of our new journey and can take us forward into better horizons, burning destructive bridges behind us. Burning these bridges is a good thing as it will prevent us from going back to a place where we should never have been. And, finally, we can understand that the past is a mere place of reference - not a place of forever residence.

We will have discovered that grief never ends but it does change. It is a passage, not a place to stay. We will have learned that grieving is not a sign of weakness. But it is the price of love.....   

Our own recovery should be our first priority.....

Reflection

When she goes out she leaves a hall light on and a radio playing as she hates to come home to silence and a dark apartment. When she comes home and turns the key she experiences a shift in her karmic sphere - a reaction to her actions. She closes her eyes and leans against the door then turns the key all the way and pushes the door open. She still wonders what she must have done in a previous life that made it necessary to find herself alone again. 

As she now painfully travels this new path of her life journey she is constantly discovering how strong she will have to be to withstand the moments of uncertainty that life has inevitably thrown her way. This relationship fracture, not in any way her choice or her doing, came crashing into her world and she came face to face with having to very quickly make some drastic and necessary life changes. Should she go as per the ultimatum? Should she continue to love at all costs? Should she forgive and forget one more time? The 'shoulds' became a deep internal craving as she tried to process what the best outcome for her life would be.

She has now realized she had, for so long, held on to what was no longer working and had continued to place her footprints on the same rocky path. And she has now found that why she continued to hold on to something that hurt her potential to be happy and had harmed her health, physically and mentally, needs to be looked at closely and so she continues to ask herself why she is not yet able to fully move on emotionally.

However, along her road to recovery she has discovered that life is really a balance of holding on and letting go. She truly wants to make the right choices but wonders how she will know when it is really time to let go and move on. She knows that sometimes it is easier to hold on to something that isn't working out, out of fear that she won't be able to find a safe place to land. Perhaps her greatest fear, therefore, is the unknown, which is possibly why she holds on and tries to now manipulate her life situation to control her surroundings - her new life space. But the outcome, no matter what she does, always seems to be the same - more pain, immense frustration, anger, self-doubt, and a huge sense of loss.

Along her journey, she has learned that staying in a situation that is toxic - a situation that no longer serves her well - will not bring her happiness or give meaning to her life. She now knows that she needs to initiate change, take a step forward, and emotionally disconnect from the past to be able to move on and create a solid life plan. Yes, her thoughts still go more to memories than to the present. Yes, she still feels alone, unheard, unloved, rejected, and disrespected.  Yes, she still cries more than she laughs. But she hasn't, even through all the pain and heartache, stopped hoping or stopped expecting things to get better. She is still exhausted emotionally and spiritually, but she can force a smile to mask the pain. She knows that she has not completely lost who she is and has not compromised or sacrificed her core values and beliefs and so can begin to reinvent her true self. And she has made huge progress in that she no longer expects or hopes or pleads for the person responsible for her pain to change, as she has learned, through his despicable actions, that he is not worth one more minute of her time and emotional pain.

So now, as she thoroughly, seriously and honestly searches her soul, she reflects on her life and continually works on changing the course of her path, carefully placing her footprints on an alternate route, moving forward, trusting her future and letting her journey guide her, in due time, to new happiness.     

Commitment is never an act of moderation.....

Deception's Damage 

She had loved him - truly loved him - she laid her heart open to him. She gave him a part of herself that she gave to no one else, and she let him inside a part of her that only he could hurt. She literally handed him a razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on her heart and soul. But being truly known by him, exposing her insecurities, weaknesses, hopes and fears was one of the most significant benefits of a loving and committed relationship - or so she thought. Trust was paramount. She assumed that she was safe.

And so it was a very painful and devastating experience when the man she trusted with her heart and soul - the love of her life - brought havoc into her personal life. She found it impossible to understand why someone she had been led to believe was her soul mate - the person who supposedly gave her his love and his friendship with an open heart, a shoulder to cry on and a safe place to fall - would betray her so maliciously.

In a true loving and committed relationship there is a sense of security, affinity and acceptance. She could therefore, she believed, be herself with no need to pretend or put up a false front. The ease and comfort, give and take and mutual understanding and respect that should come from this love relationship was what she cherished and desired - and had been promised. For the relationship to flourish it needed to be ripe with this criteria. Unfortunately, when he betrayed her and turned into her enemy, it left an irreparable wound on her heart - a wound related to deception, violation of trust and exposure. 

His betrayal was probably the most devastating loss she had ever experienced. In trusting him she believed that he would  never do anything to hurt her and when he did she was very quickly thrown into the lion's den and her whole existence was pulled out from under her. The loss was even more devastating when, with his cruel words and emotional abuse she realized that his love had not ever been love at all. He chose to betray her - actually planned to do so . There is always a choice and a consequence involved in everything we do,  and he knew- whether in the throws of a bipolar episode or not - what he was doing, yet he continually chose to hurt her.

She believed that in a true love relationship love is a command - not just a feeling. It is a cherishing and a nurturing and a tenderness of heart determined to serve - a commitment to give each other's life the peace and joy they should receive - so when his betrayal took place and she became a victim of his change of heart she experienced incredible, unrelenting pain, suffering, hurt, anger, self doubt, acute loneliness and a true sense of loss. She would never again exist in the bubble in which she once felt loved, safe and secure. And because of the damage of his deception her world would never be the same..... 

There is still no cure for a wounded heart....

Betrayal

She awoke in the middle of the night, unable to breath - or to go back to sleep. Instead she sat up in the brownish dark. It was over - finally over - he had packed his personal things right after dinner - an anniversary dinner she had prepared with love - a dinner she thought would return him to a calm space in which they would reminisce about the good times, the happy times, the loving times and then they would decide to try to repair their damaged relationship, one more time. But he ate in silence, went quickly up the stairs to their bedroom, packed his personal belongings, put them in the trunk of his car and drove away without even so much as a backward glance.

The faintest tease of light moved softly against the wall. A single scolding finger of light. Saliva rushed to her mouth the way it always did before she vomited. She swallowed it down, closed her eyes, leaned against the headboard and felt weak with heartache - totally lost.  Her mind continued to work rapidly as she thought about all that had happened in their years together. It was funny how crisis recalled crisis - how pain brought back old pain. How, even now, in the throws of this most recent painful episode, she had still clung to the promise he had made to her, when not lost in a bipolar episode, that he would never leave her. And so, no matter how irrelevant and emotionally invisible she became to him, no matter how depressed he got, no matter how extreme his mood swings became, no matter how manic his depression got, no matter how unrealistic his thought processes or his accusations or his threats became, she was completely willing, once again, to put all his painful words behind them and work her way through the fog, till there was light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing him as intimately as she did, she believed that he loved her, as she did him. Realistically she knew that nothing had hurt her more than being disappointed by the one person she thought would never hurt her - and she had experienced disappointing and hurtful things he had said and done when he was in an episode fog. But she also knew, or had thought she knew, that he truly didn't mean what he said and did, but couldn't seem to control himself. Each time the fog lifted he had admitted to not meaning his damaging behaviour and promised to seek professional help so the episodes would not happen again. She had, each time, forgiven and forgotten and succeeded in returning their relationship to where they loved and cared and shared and laughed and worked hard at keeping their love growing. But the professional help never materialized and this time he had threatened that, when she least expected it, he would leave her. She didn't believe he would, as he had promised he never would, but he had, and now here she sat - broken hearted, exhausted, emotionally drained yet unable to stop the tears that were flowing down her face or the sobs that continued to erupt from her soul. 

She did feel very angry. She couldn't understand why this had happened to them, although she was well aware that a bipolar type disorder was disruptive in all ways. But she had been willing - lovingly - to hang in, work through and do whatever it took to keep them together. She could not believe that he had so selfishly chosen to make such a drastic change  - a change that would entirely and painfully alter their life and the live's of their family and their friends - all who had done nothing but love him. She couldn't fathom that she had now lost everything. She hadn't needed a man in her life - she had chosen to be with him. He was intelligent, kind, honest, gentle, sensitive, communicative, and had a sense of humour. The man of her dreams, her soul-mate. The man who had promised her a 'new world'. The man who had promised to support her, protect her, keep her safe, never hurt her. The man who would give her freedom to keep her identity, integrity and independence. But now she was having to face the reality of the man he really was. And, again, as in the past 'hard spots' in her life she had to accept that sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and now she would have to discover life on her own again, and be strong enough - again - to survive the journey.  

Is there a value in being nice - or not?.....

Thought for the day:

Is there ever a time to stop being nice? A time to say "No more Ms. Nice Guy for me"? Many times along the paths of my life journey I have had to think about this before responding with a knee jerk reaction to a particular situation, or particular people within the situation.

In my definition, a nice person is someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings - they are selfless, most often seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own. They are the people I like to be around and they are the people I like to model myself after. 

On the other hand, there are those who assert themselves to ensure that their personal goals are being met, irrespective of the needs, wishes or opinions of others - they guiltlessly step on anyone who gets in the way of their climb up their proverbial 'ladder' . They are people I try to avoid at all costs, but people who nevertheless seem to get what they want out of life.

My thought is - can the two co-exist? Ideally, I need to be accommodating to the perspectives of others. I like to view myself as a considerate person who would willingly give up my seat to a handicapped person, who would generously toss a few coins to the outstretched hand of a homeless indigent, who would support the neighbourhood community projects, who would do whatever I could to help make life the best it can be for those within my 'circle of love'. I make a point of talking politely and criticizing sparingly.  Until...that is, I have a run-in with someone who so blithely takes advantage of me.  Am I being considerate - or a wimp - by being a 'yes man' to someone else's opinions, or by kowtowing to a tyrannical persons quirks?

Life lessons have taught me that there are times when decidedly un-nice behaviour is my best response. To achieve the greater goal, my correct response may be to deal sternly - or arrogantly, or selfishly, or deceitfully - with a person who only understands that negative language. With people who can't see beyond the big circle of their ego, I now ask myself if being nice is the correct approach or would a more stern method ultimately achieve my greater goal? I have learned that the only way to draw the line is in evaluating my motives. I have to ask myself why I need to be nice - do I believe that being nice is the right way to approach life or do I just want to be thought of as a nice person? Do I genuinely believe that I should forfeit my place in the bus line-up to another, or is it my fear of being labelled as ill-mannered? Should I give a rubber stamp approval to a family member or friend even if I don't agree with what they say or what they are doing because I am reluctant to appear disagreeable? Why do I generously offer my time and energy to others - do I want to be considered kind or do I genuinely believe in their cause?

For me, the key to achieving the best outcome, in all interactions, has been in developing an inner strength and in imparting to others - and demonstrating to myself -  the backbone to stand strong, whether that means acting with kindness and sensitivity (which is always my default), or acting with deceitful slyness or gruff sternness to those who, unfortunately, only understand negative language.  As in all interactions, kindness and compassion are necessary when deciding to be nice - or not so nice - but once certain that I'm right in my assessment of a situation, common sense prevails and I allow myself to make my correct choice.

Secrets can't keep.....

Thought for the day:

Along some of the paths of my life journey I encountered people who presented me with situations that were better left unspoken and so secrets were borne. Keeping secrets was intoxicating -  knowing  things that others didn't - having something hidden in my heart that only I knew about. The anticipation of the secret being revealed sometimes even provided a rush like no other. But eventually the secrets bore weight. They stole my breath. They held me in places that I no longer wanted to stand. They made me pick sides. They indebted me, indentured me, enslaved me, and dehumanized me. I became the secrets and the secrets became me and the two things were irreconcilable without the other to the point that I was not sure I was ever without the secrets at all. And I came to believe that I was only ever the secrets that I carried and nothing more - not a very comfortable place to have landed. Through life lessons along my journey, I have learned to eliminate secrets from my life - they have no place in my world. The truth is far more powerful than any secret. The truth, be it believed and/or accepted by others - or not - is all I need to know.....

Secrets and dreams bear weight, they steal your breath, and they hold you rooted in places you no longer want to stand.....

Secrets and Shattered Dreams

One thing her house doesn't have is a man. Not  anymore. She supposes it would be nice to have a man around the house, as the old saying goes. She supposes she should want a 'daddy', for her children, just as she had wanted one for herself. And then there are all the practical things that men seem to excel at such as remembering to have the furnace checked before the cold winter hits; making sure the air conditioner works before the hot, humid weather arrives; fixing the toilet tank when the chain gets unhooked; putting the garbage bins into the garage after pickup. But the truth is, she does have a man. She stills has her ex and he still does all those things for her even all these years later. He's still the children's daddy. He still comes to visit for Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. And sometimes for no reason at all. And he still gives her wonderful gifts, even when he appears to have no money! 

Some of her friends tell her that they think she is hanging on to this long-over love for him. And it's true that when he walks in the door she feels inordinately happy, despite all the bad history that has gone on between them. He was the man she thought she would never capture - the man who could rescue her from worry and lonliness. She has always been attracted to him and the attraction has never changed. She supposes it should have, knowing now that he cheated on her throughout their marriage. She supposes she should see him now as ugly and evil, but instead she just sees him as flawed, human, older. But more interesting - he has grey sideburns and sun-wrinkles at the edges of his eyes. And a thousand untold secrets behind those eyes.

His secrets were as lavish as his gifts, Their life together was dark and worrisome, and she had been totally clueless. His loving had diminished her. He was always so quick to leave the house in the morning and more often than not, even when he said he would be home right after work, he did not come back till around midnight.  And she questioned the matches from some club that she had discovered in his jacket pocket after his return from a business trip, when he had told her that the meeting had ended early and he spent a lonely evening in his hotel room watching television. She always asked and he always had explanations. Calm, annoyed explanations. She still berates herself for her idiocy in not being able to see it - in not being able to admit to herself that he was, to all intents and purposes, living a dark, rebellious and secret life. But she couldn't see it then as he was her dream come true and she didn't want to wake up.

Despite all of the negative history, she still does not understand how she could spend years of her life with someone and now be expected to hate him. Something special had drawn them together in the first place and they have children together. How can she hate the one person with whom she shares all that is worthwhile? Especially now, ten years after he had moved out, and so much of the tension is gone. She doesn't expect to ever be intimate with him again. And she doesn't care to know with whom he is intimate. Actually, he never seems to have a real relationship with anyone. And they get along better with each other now than do any of her married friends and their spouses. Realistically, though, she has come to the conclusion that, all in all, she should lose interest in marriage as she doubts relationships and can't imagine trusting a man again, certainly not enough to let him see her vulnerable. And so she has consciously chosen to never allow herself to dream again. Marriage is one of those mistakes that she will make only once.....

Along our life journey we should perceive opportunity, grasp opportunity but not misjudge opportunity.....

Thought for the day:

Why do so many people stagnate in their lives while others, at the same time and from similar backgrounds, find their 'fortune'? Is it their fault that 'fortune' passes them by, that there are no opportunities in their lives? Are the others just in the right place at the right time? Or has it something to do with perceiving and grasping opportunity when it shows itself?  Life lessons have made me aware that genuine beginnings begin with us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities. Therefore, as chance favours the prepared mind, we must always be mindful of the opportunities we are offered along our paths.  

If we are mindful of the light, the dark need never be.....

Illumination

It wasn't really late, but it was very dark as she drove home. Very dark. The road was winding. The fog was thick. Within this cloak of darkness, the only things discernible were the short, shining red lights in front of her, and the small white circles from across the median. All the little blotches of red and white kept coming forward, in sync, almost as if they had their own volition. Only up close did it become obvious that these shining lights were actually affixed to vehicles - cars, trucks and vans.

Although deeply concentrating on driving with great care, the irony of the little travelling lights suddenly hit her. Strong chunks of heavy metal - vehicles - were equipped with the technological capability of traversing great distances at rapid speeds. If these chunks of metal should collide, they would wreak havoc, even death, And yet, she realized, we rely on basic, simple lights - the red ones on the rear of our car, and the white headlights leading the way in front -  to guide us. The simple, soft lights effectively warn away other vehicles from coming too close, while also illuminating our path, hopefully guiding us safely and preventing us from hitting and/or being hit by another moving vehicle.

She began to think that she encounters this type of crash/clash many times a day in the myriad of choices she makes. Choices between good and bad - right and wrong - in her lifelong struggle in choosing to be the one who takes the higher road instead of getting  pulled into the mire of revenge, anger or resentment.  The comparison to her experience driving and her everyday battles became obvious, and it was suddenly clear to her that the power of light can eradicate darkness in all areas of her life. By continually shining the simple light of truth on something, the surrounding darkness would melt into oblivion. Then darkness would not need to be fought - it would just need to be illuminated by mindfully focusing on her purpose and applying actions that would enlighten her soul.  If she could keep the truth always constant in her heart and soul as she travelled any dark, winding roads in her life journey, the potency of a simple 'light' would guide her and distill the darkness. Illumination at its best! 

  





    

The paths of my life journey have introduced me to many individuals who have given light and direction to my life..... 

Thought for the day: 

As I reflect on my past, I can now truly see that life has always been leading me towards my destiny and everyone I have met along my journey has been special to me, in some way providing me with a true life lesson. I have learned to interpret as meaningful and precious every single movement along my path. When thinking about my life, from childhood through adolescence and on to my established existence, certain specific moments of light come to my mind. Those were moments when the world suddenly appeared better, when new perspectives or new opportunities for a more fulfilled life opened up and those moments were always related to some particular person who projected a new emotion or a new mental direction into my life that allowed me to go forward.  For those individuals, I am deeply grateful. 

We must never be too thick or too self-centered to not allow meaning and purpose to illuminate us and affect our world.....

Counting Rainbows

To witness a beautiful, spectacular rainbow  - crystal-like droplets and rays of light - you need to be at the right vantage point to experience it's striking wonder.  A rainbow isn't an object and cannot be physically approached. Many rainbows do exist, however they can only be seen depending on the particular observer's viewpoint, as droplets of light are illuminated by the sun. 

Sighting and photographing a beautiful rainbow from the balcony of their cruise ship made her think that, as with the rainbow, perhaps she also has the ability to reflect light and use it to create more goodness and brightness in her world and that with the clarity she has gained through life's lessons she can use her own unique prisms to create beautiful multicoloured hues. But in order to see those spectacular beams of light, she will also need to stand at a particular angle and she needs to be willing to look and see the light of another. 

She is extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to experience, and thoroughly enjoy, a Caribbean cruise ship vacation visiting St. Kitts, Barbados, St. Lucia, Antigua and Grand Turks, and, with this gratitude, she realizes that now is the time to take the light of inspiration that she has also experienced and shine it into her everyday life. Now is when clarity is crucial. To receive the light of spirituality - to keep feeding her soul -  even in her mundane day to day life, and her sometimes overworked emotions, she needs to make herself translucent. To do this she must allow herself to pause, witness and appreciate the light-filled, multicoloured qualities of all those with whom she crosses paths. She will still continue to look for beautiful rainbows, but she will now also let herself be one.

The power of imagining oneself to be another person, to walk in their shoes, to share their ideas and feelings, to empathize with them is a true act of understanding and acceptance.....

Thought For The Day:

We all know some people who, by setbacks in life, become difficult to reach, but deep within themselves they are full of human emotions - as most of us are. Such individuals appear practical, often factual, but only in special moments will emotions that are warm and intense  emerge from them. Don't these people deserve - or maybe especially so - our empathy?

Only when we find peace within ourselves will  we find peace within our relationships.....

Simple and Serene

Cruise ships are by nature romantic places. Maybe it's the constant ocean view, sunsets, moonlight and stars. Maybe it's the relaxed atmosphere. Or perhaps it's the slight rocking that gets a lot of people thinking about love. Taking a break from the everyday rhythm of life, in and of itself, provides many mental and emotional benefits wherever one decides to vacation, but the environment of a luxury cruise ship, and all the amenities it has to offer, provides a  true chance to center and collect oneself before heading back to the daily grind of riding the waves of the pace and responsibilities of ones life and family. 

The chance recently to experience a Caribbean vacation on the world's newest and largest cruise ship was a perfect way to celebrate their 10th anniversary - 10 beautiful  years - 10 love filled years - 10 amazing years. - 10 years of learning about each other, loving each other, supporting each other, bracing for the bad, and embracing the good. 

The day of embarkment was the day of their 10th anniversary - ten years had seemed so far away and yet, here it was. As they stood on the balcony of their cabin, photographing the vastness of the deep blue ocean, she reflected back, wishing that she could say that they were the perfect couple, but like all relationships, they had had their good times and hard times. They have friends who tell them that they see them as the perfect couple, the couple to watch, the couple to pattern communication after, the couple who sets an example for others. She wished that she could agree, but knew that they really were just like most other couples - they struggle, there is miscommunication, stubborn streaks, mood highs and lows and sometimes a sense of dread - and, yes, there had been days when they wondered if they were going to make it. And realistically, she knew that a cruise, while an ideal way to enjoy each other in a relaxed, romantic environment, was not a real life thermometer or forever fix to make any relationship perfect. They had learned a lot in the past 10 years and, through life's lessons, knew that there is still much growing and learning to do and were, through past hard work and sincere dedication to spending their life together - forever and always, no matter what - ready to continue to work on doing whatever it would  take to make life the best it could be for each other. They are determined to thrive within their relationship, aware that love isn't just a feeling, but an expression, and so will continue to love each other "in sickness and in health and until death do us part".

The cruise met their expectations, in fact, even went beyond what they had thought was possible as a superb vacation - not to say there weren't moments when they each needed their own space to rest and relax  - but in those separate times they each were able to re-energize and come together again for dinner in the exquisite dining room and share delicious and perfectly cooked and plated food and then share an evening of entertainment or a walk on the starlit deck, or a moonlit ocean view as they sat on their balcony, enjoying the wafting, warm breezes, discussing the days events, with a glass of wine in hand. 

Reality reared its ugly head when they landed back at the airport, many degrees colder - in fact minus 38 degrees with the wind chill factor.  But they were thankful for the very warm weather they had experienced and knew that Spring wasn't far off. Ahhh, March - the month when crocusses and daffodils show their beautiful faces. Sweater weather. Cleaning off the patio furniture weather. Her first thought when she looked outside the next morning was that Mother Nature was not playing fair. But then she stopped, meditated, and just put herself in the moment, and in the moment realized how beautiful the day actually was. Bright blue skies, the snow bathed in sunlight. The pattern of the snowflakes on the window was amazing. There was a stillness to the earth that only comes with a deep and peaceful snowfall. And as the snow continued to fall, she continued to gaze out the window and be grateful for the serenity of the moment. Be they on a cruise or standing at the kitchen window,  she knew that each moment is all that they have, and that living serenly, in that moment, is all that any relationship needs.  
    



  

My children's birthdays make me feel older than my own birthday does.....

Happy 69th Birthday To Me

Another year older - it hardly seems possible that one more year has passed, and that on  March 1st. I turned 69 years old. Saying it out loud sounds very,very old!  I'm now of an age where I am supposed to fear and resent aging, but, for some reason, as I get closer to reaching 70, I don't. Yes, my skin isn't what it used to be and my hair has turned completely white and physically I am not going to be pictured on any bathing suit calendars - but there's only one alternative to aging, and that alternative is even harder on the skin and the hair!

I don't dread the fact that I am now approaching my 70th year. Actually, I've been approaching 70 since the day I was born. At a steady pace too. Time has at certain points leapt forward and at other points it has equally stalled along the way. But it did somehow get to now.

It hardly feels like so many decades have passed  since I was a carefree, child-free person, but in the intervening years I've carried and delivered and brought up two wonderful humans, married and divorced, and have moved about 13 times - and I have the body and damaged furniture to prove it! 

I have laugh lines and scowl lines. I have lived through responsibilities and anxieties that I never dreamed of. I have debt and obligations. I have owned jeans in a wide array of sizes and, at some point I have cursed at each pair. I have two successful children and their spouses, and 4 grandchildren and a loving significant-other to share my life, along with many very good friends. They fill me with a  heart-bursting personal pride and joy and amazement too.  It is awesome to think that at 69 I am so far from  the young girl I remember and have become the woman I am. 

So I enter this last year of my 60th decade on earth with an open mind and much gratitude. I am grateful for the young woman I once was but I am even more grateful for the woman I now am - a woman who endured extremes and braved unknowns and successfully survived. All of my life experiences were an investment in my 69 year old self. So, too, is each day of my life now an investment in how ever many more years I will be given. I reject dread and refuse to fret over old age. In fact, I feel no shame over my age and am hopeful that the next years will be as ample and surprising and fulfilling as the past, even with all its struggles, has been. 

The differing nature of day and night can't be explained by the absence of light, just as the words that enlighten our souls are far more precious than any sparkling jewel.....

The Wonder of Words

by Beverlee Blampied (c)

Finally my writer's block has come and gone
Now, at last, I am ready to move on
To again write life's stories - present and past
To pen many memories that will forever last
To those who will read and truly discern
That it's never too late to live and to learn
That life's experiences, be they theirs or mine
Can be put into words and slowly sipped like fine wine
That with writing our stories we always will find
That relaying them contributes to tranquilizing the mind
As through the words of every story we read
The wise reader is aware of the common seed
That every human life is made up of the dark and the light
That the happy, the sad, the deadening and the vital
The anger, anxiety, temporary insanities and fright
Are all part of the ever on-going recital
Through which, with the healing power of melancholy
We can find meaning and beauty within all the folly
And shed the darkness that has been ever raging
And finally find solace as we reach this life stage of aging

There is no greater feeling than realizing that I HAVE succeeded.....

Thought for the day:
The paths of my life journey have taken me to places where I have struggled, yet those struggles have been lessons that have taught me that to live a good and meaningful life I had to remove the outer 'material' layers and connect to my soul. Through this process I have learned to be in touch with the silences within me and know that everything in my life has had a purpose. No matter how overwhelming my fears may be, I now give my soul time to speak to me. - and although it is my brain that processes information and my emotions that move me, it is now my soul that guides me. Through this personal growth I have been able to come to terms with past failures and realize that my life HAS been successful, - not measured as much by the space I am in at this stage of my life, but by the obstacles that I have been able to overcome along my journey.....

Do not miss the scenery by traveling too fast as you will also miss the sense of where you have been, where you are going, and even why.....

Fluttering Snowflakes

By Beverlee Blampied (C)

Picture perfect winter's eve
The view from the window can truly decieve
Snowflakes fall, memories recall
Flakes flutter quietly - not a sound
A white blanket is made 
As the brown earth fades
And ground is covered until dawn
But when the sun rises, the snow is gone
Bringing thoughts of friendships in the past
That seemed perfect but did not last
Family ties that once meant so much
Now rarely do the branches of the family tree touch
So quickly life can take a major turn
Yet slowly - slowly - we start to learn by
Switching up
Flipping over
Trudging on
Yet so many things still unwittingly change
And suddenly life is again rearranged
As night turns once more into morn
The snowy blanket can become worn
And the things that we have
Overlooked
Ignored
Rejected
Have become unhooked
As melted snow does turn to slush
Our intentions quickly turn to dust
Stretched
Pulled
Unleashed
Don't take for granted that they'll remain
That life forever will be the same - instead
Dream
Encourage
Inspire
Be the most that you can be
Love forever your friends and family
Unlike the snowflakes melting on the ground
Stay ever in touch with your world around
Changing
Sharing
Refreshing
Opening your heart - no time left to sputter
Whisper softly, joyfully
As snowflakes continue to flutter

We can experience joy when we learn to nourish our own emotional and spiritual needs...

Ode to Joy

Through lessons learned along my life journey I have come to believe that joy is a spiritual practice that I have to continually work at, but the good news is that joy, collected over time, fuels resilience - ensuring that I'll have reservoirs of emotional strength when difficult times happen.

As a young mother I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I used to stand over my two children while they slept and just as a profound sense of love and joy washed over me, I would begin to imagine horrible things happening to them - illness, car accidents, abductions, drownings, fires. I would wonder if other mothers felt the same things or if I was unhinged, as I was always in a state of constant disaster planning.

I used to think that the most terrifying human experience was joy. It was as if by truly feeling happiness, I would be setting myself up for disaster. What I have since learned along the path of my journey is that worrying about things that haven't happened does not protect me from emotional pain. There is no way to prepare for the unknown - or for any tragedy. 'Catastrophising' life squanders away the one thing that I want more of in my life - joy - and I simply can't know joy without embracing vulnerability.

So I now focus more on gratitude - not fear. When I feel myself becoming traumatized by the  'what ifs', I remind myself that I am just feeling vulnerable. This reminder takes me out of my brain - I stop the negative thoughts and get back on track. I practice being thankful - for my children, my grandchildren, my partner, my friends, my place and stage in life - and, more effectively, I speak my gratitude aloud to others, both verbally and through the written word in my journal and/or blog. 

I now allow myself to feel joy deeply, and this means that I appreciate all my everyday moments - no longer living in fear of what I could lose, but softening into the joyful moments that I do have.

  

Life lessons have taught her that not listening to what the world says she ought to be or ought to prefer, is what is needed to keep her soul alive.

New Year Musings

Making New Year's resolutions has never been high on her priority list - mostly because she has learned many lessons along her life journey and now understands herself well enough to know that she would not be disciplined enough to keep any resolutions for longer than a month or two. So - she now tackles her desire for personal success, wellness, fitness, weight control, and loving family and friendship relationships on an ongoing, day to day basis - not with a fixed by a certain time date, when, if she doesn't succeed she would consider herself a failure, but, instead, as a work in progress.

Part of this work in progress has been not only realizing, but now fully believing that she can be authentic to her own needs and desires - and that it is perfectly okay to spend her time creating, living and just being. That, whenever possible she can make decisions based on whether someone else's requests/actions would weigh her down and feel tiresome or draining or, more positively, would feel exciting, energizing and uplifting.  This is not new knowledge that she has just gained, but she needs to remind herself  - continually post a mental note to herself - that she will no longer allow herself to go emotionally broke being a people pleaser, trying to make everyone happy all the time. This is not an easy task for her as she has always naturally received satisfaction from giving and making others happy - a   behaviour that has, unfortunately, more often than not, resulted in great personal loss.

As with most of what makes up our inner needs, this need to please started when she was very young. In elementary school she was a quiet, shy, fringe girl. She wasn't the pretty one or the popular one, but, thankfully by fourth grade she had landed on a solid group of friends. Or so she thought. They all recessed and lunched together for months until one day they stopped talking to her and started pointing fingers and laughing instead. It turned out that the ring-leader of the group of friends had bribed them to all stop being her friend, but only after also having bribed them to entrap her into gossiping - divulging information that was later used against her. This, combined with her continually trying to live up to the 'perfect' expectations of her parents, resulted in the low self-esteem she carried forward within her family/life dynamic.

Somewhere along the paths of her young journey she, perhaps subconsciously, decided to    make it her mission to never give someone a reason to turn on her again - this, by attempting to impress, charm, please and befriend everyone she could so that she would never have to experience those dreaded feelings again, so that she'd never have to watch people turn their backs on her or feel the emotional pain of being stabbed in the back. Also, as her personality type thrived on helping, teaching and serving others she was ripe for major approval-seeking vulnerability! 

This attempted solution did not always work to perfection, and betrayal, both in friendship and family, in her adult and now senior years, continued to feed her insecurities. This vulnerability showed up in the pettiest, most ridiculous of ways - leading her to much bigger fears. She spent her life worrying constantly. She worried that if she didn't say yes to all plans/requests or have a good reason for saying no, she would massively offend the person asking, even if she was unable to accommodate due to physical exhaustion or illness. She worried that if she didn't reply to every e-mail, blog comment, or 'facebook' message, people would never write her again or worse, that people would dislike her because they would interpret her non-responsiveness as arrogance or bitchiness. She worried that when she didn't hear back from someone it was because she had done something to anger or offend them, and would then over-analyze until she got some sort of sign that they didn't dislike her. She worried that she accepted less-than-ideal behaviour from people because she didn't want to rock the boat  - even though she knew that when she did speak up, she always felt better for having done so. She worried, after social interactions, if she had met expectations or not, had she been cheerful/happy/engaged enough or had she disappointed the other person. She worried that she was way more lenient and understanding of others than she was with herself.

Along the paths through her life journey, she continually learns lessons and has made a great deal of progress over the years from childhood to her now senior stage in life, but she  reminds herself often, as a safe-guard, that people-pleasing is inauthentic. It is exhausting. It means placing everyone else's needs above her own. She cannot make everyone happy all of the time and it is futile to try. And she has learned that she is no good to anyone if she runs herself ragged trying to please everyone. She has two choices and they are that she can spend all her time worrying about other people and what they think about her or she can bravely and unselfishly follow her own wants and needs. 

Through the process of change, she has discovered that the universe rewards backbone. It has paid off to stick up for herself, to speak the hard truth, and to make the hard choices about where, and with whom, to spend her time and attention. It has paid off in sanity, ease, lightness, sense of self, confidence, and clarity. It has kept her soul alive.  Her day now starts with herself, so that she can continue to give back - with enthusiasm - to those in her life who are truly worthy of her precious time, attention, and love.