Secrets and dreams bear weight, they steal your breath, and they hold you rooted in places you no longer want to stand.....

Secrets and Shattered Dreams

One thing her house doesn't have is a man. Not  anymore. She supposes it would be nice to have a man around the house, as the old saying goes. She supposes she should want a 'daddy', for her children, just as she had wanted one for herself. And then there are all the practical things that men seem to excel at such as remembering to have the furnace checked before the cold winter hits; making sure the air conditioner works before the hot, humid weather arrives; fixing the toilet tank when the chain gets unhooked; putting the garbage bins into the garage after pickup. But the truth is, she does have a man. She stills has her ex and he still does all those things for her even all these years later. He's still the children's daddy. He still comes to visit for Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. And sometimes for no reason at all. And he still gives her wonderful gifts, even when he appears to have no money! 

Some of her friends tell her that they think she is hanging on to this long-over love for him. And it's true that when he walks in the door she feels inordinately happy, despite all the bad history that has gone on between them. He was the man she thought she would never capture - the man who could rescue her from worry and lonliness. She has always been attracted to him and the attraction has never changed. She supposes it should have, knowing now that he cheated on her throughout their marriage. She supposes she should see him now as ugly and evil, but instead she just sees him as flawed, human, older. But more interesting - he has grey sideburns and sun-wrinkles at the edges of his eyes. And a thousand untold secrets behind those eyes.

His secrets were as lavish as his gifts, Their life together was dark and worrisome, and she had been totally clueless. His loving had diminished her. He was always so quick to leave the house in the morning and more often than not, even when he said he would be home right after work, he did not come back till around midnight.  And she questioned the matches from some club that she had discovered in his jacket pocket after his return from a business trip, when he had told her that the meeting had ended early and he spent a lonely evening in his hotel room watching television. She always asked and he always had explanations. Calm, annoyed explanations. She still berates herself for her idiocy in not being able to see it - in not being able to admit to herself that he was, to all intents and purposes, living a dark, rebellious and secret life. But she couldn't see it then as he was her dream come true and she didn't want to wake up.

Despite all of the negative history, she still does not understand how she could spend years of her life with someone and now be expected to hate him. Something special had drawn them together in the first place and they have children together. How can she hate the one person with whom she shares all that is worthwhile? Especially now, ten years after he had moved out, and so much of the tension is gone. She doesn't expect to ever be intimate with him again. And she doesn't care to know with whom he is intimate. Actually, he never seems to have a real relationship with anyone. And they get along better with each other now than do any of her married friends and their spouses. Realistically, though, she has come to the conclusion that, all in all, she should lose interest in marriage as she doubts relationships and can't imagine trusting a man again, certainly not enough to let him see her vulnerable. And so she has consciously chosen to never allow herself to dream again. Marriage is one of those mistakes that she will make only once.....