Through life's trials it serves you well to make your own recovery your first priority.....

Broken Promises

She had gone out a few times during her university years with several young men she had met in her classes,  long before she had even considered becoming a nun, but none of the relationships took off. Her failure in that regard didn't really bother her. For one thing, she was studying too hard to give it much thought. For another, she often thought that she could never really love some man enough to consider permanency and/or marriage. As the years moved on she became self-sufficient and solitary. However, as she neared the age of thirty, she experienced overwhelming feelings of emptiness - not a loneliness for a connection with the opposite sex - not a biological clock-ticking - but a loneliness, a void in her heart that needed filling, a spiritual awakening that needed exploring. And so began her journey into the convent.

For many years she led a very satisfying, fulfilling life within the confines of her religious beliefs. It wasn't until she neared her forty-eighth year, when she met Doug - a new member of the parish, that she realized that perhaps life could have more to offer her than God, Church and Celibacy.

They were introduced when he became a member of the parish Fundraising Committee, of which she was treasurer. They kept bumping into each other in the hallways of the church offices and then constantly crossed paths at the Wednesday evening meetings. There was something about him that she liked - a seriousness underneath his seemingly easy manner. She liked his face, too. It was long and angular with a strong nose and was framed by thinning, sandy colored hair.

Her thoughts became filled with confusion and conflict - she was lost in what-ifs and if-onlys. She began to talk herself into the fact that her disillusionment with several internal and global issues within her church and her religion, over the past few years, were reason enough to allow her vow to her God to lose its once all-consuming power. After much inner turmoil, many meetings with Mother Superior, and hours of deep and painful prayer, she chose to leave her spiritual home, and, in so doing, was excommunicated from the church. She set out to face a new life offering her freedom and options that had been previously forbidden. She secured an office job in the administration office of the local university and rented a small basement apartment. Her new life began.

When Doug asked her out for coffee she readily accepted. They shared conversation easily and after only a few dates they became an 'item'. She never expected to admire a man, but the more that they shared, the more her admiration grew. They spent many hours together, whenever possible with his busy schedule. Her feelings began to develop and before she knew it, they were talking about sharing a life and making promises that unexpectedly filled her heart with happiness, and even though he sometimes seemed aloof, and sometimes was prone to making sarcastic remarks about her past life as a nun, and sometimes became angry and moody after drinking a little too much at a party, she chose to ignore those dark signs. Occasionally, though, after particular trying stretches in their relationship, she would make a mental list of all his good points  - his sense of humor, his curiosity, his intelligence, his attractiveness. She also made a list of his bad points - his laziness, his tendency to be judgmental and to think that he was always right. She would constantly go over the lists in her head but could never quite figure out which trait should cancel out another and so it became easier not to think about the relationship too much, not to constantly analyze it or ask herself whether he truly returned her affections. But an unsettling feeling began to creep into her heart and it lingered there far more often than she wanted it to.

Almost one year into their relationship, Doug finally introduced her to his parents. They lived exactly where one would expect to find experienced academics living - in a fine, old century home on a street near the university. There were paintings on the walls - originals, not prints - and several pieces of sculpture throughout the home. The furniture looked old and good and had a shine to it that she imagined you only got when something was polished once a week for many years. Where she came from such conspicuous good taste would be viewed with vague disapproval, hinting of a love of material things. But she knew that thinking that way was a kind of snobbishness, and, to be honest, she found their home to be interesting rather than ostentatious.

Nevertheless, the evening turned quickly uncomfortable. The four of them ate in a dining room with dark red wallpaper and an oval table big enough to comfortably seat at least a dozen people. She found his parents alarming. They were both extremely articulate and extremely opinionated and they contradicted each other constantly, so that the air was thick with interruptions and denials and barbed remarks all flying at great speed. Every now and then one or the other would suddenly remember that they were there and would pause in mid-attack and look concerned, offer them more wine, and then instantly resume battle. And every now and then, one or the other of them, in their wine-induced haze, would relate unsettling stories of their son's dysfunctional past and gradually the shadowy side of Doug's personality came to light. Details of his insecurities and character flaws, his bad decisions and desperate emotions and most of all his abusive behavior in his two previous marriages - unknown to her - painted a dark and ugly picture. His response to their 'now in the open' details was not a reaction that she would have expected from him. His eyes were filled with hatred and anger, yet his face revealed a smile - a sneer actually - that spoke frightening volumes to her. 

She became acutely aware that in her desire to experience more of life, she had naively entered into a relationship with psychological uncertainties, without first having done some background research, and was now in a situation in which she felt she could no longer safely remain. Her relationship was now filled with doubt, fear and broken promises - a relationship that no longer offered her the ability to rationalize, or even pretend, that her leaving the convent had been the right decision for her to have made. With twisted emotions, she now knew that what had seemed like a good idea at the time had actually played a tug of war with her core beliefs. Her identity and integrity were again in conflict with her actions. It was hard for her to believe that she had allowed herself to be in this space and she was completely unable to understand how she could have ended up in such a state over a mere man.

Her dreams shattered, she now had to face - head on - the struggle of love, reality and faith with delusions of good and evil. She was aware that she had made a huge mistake - she really didn't want or need any man - and she was now left to deal with the tragic results alone as no longer did she have the comfort and safety of being engulfed in the protective circle of her omnipotent God.