Love isn't always perfect and our journey through life isn't always fair

Heartache

By Beverlee Blampied (c)

A teardrop makes its lonely start
Flows gently down her cheek
On its journey from her aching heart
To the hopeful rest it seeks
Away from her tormented mind
It falls gently from her face
And lands softly on a photograph
Of the two of them, embraced
So happy in their love, so many years ago
The ache remains within her heart
For ever letting him go

A Shattered Marriage

Their decision to separate seemed to happen overnight.  Her husband came home from his office one evening and announced that he was transferring to a senior position 400 miles away from the city in which they now resided. No previous work-related discussions had taken place - in fact, they hadn’t talked much about anything of importance for a very long time.

As he chattered on, strangely animated, relating all the details, she sat, blank faced,  realizing that she truly didn’t have an acceptable excuse not to accompany him - their children were grown and out on their own - one was married with children and one single and working in Australia; the house they had lived in for the last 20 years, though filled with family memories, was now too large for just the 2 of them; and she had just begun an early retirement from her teaching position upon receipt of a sunstantial pension. So where was her resistance coming from. - why was she frozen, frightened and full of anger? It didn’t take her long to silently conclude that she simply did not have the desire or the energy to move with him. The attempt to start a new life, in a strange place, when their marriage had gone so terribly stale, was just too overwhelming. 

She surprised herself when she blurted out that she would not be going with him and suggested that they should sell their home and she would move to the family cottage in the Laurentian Mountain in Quebec, to take the necessary time to figure things out and not make any quick, irrational decisions. She was alarmed by her numbness, her apparent lack of compassion but she also realized that she didn’t want to turn this into a legal separation yet - just a breathing space that would be a kind of ‘time out‘ - a vacation from a very fractured relationship. For all intents and purposes, they could find themselves back together again a few months down a potentially painful road.

He showed little or no emotion upon hearing her decision. They went about making plans for their futureless future with a frightening politeness. A chapter  of their life was closing. The house was sold and several garage sales had helped in the downsizing of furniture and household items.

As they turned out the lights and flopped onto the mattress that was now on the floor, as the four poster bed had been sold that day, she began to panic about her immediate identity. The good memories in her mind seemed to sneak in and had a way of erasing all others. She turned on her side and draped her arm around his waist - reaching out for ‘she-didn’t-know-what’ . She did know she would miss the comfort of familiarity she  thought, snuggling close to his back. He stirred and for a moment she thought - hoped, in fact - that he might turn around, say something, perhaps even try to mend their shattered life. But he didn’t and in mere seconds he fell into a deep sleep.

So many nights she had laid beside him, wondering what his dreams were made of, what haunted him so much that he had become emotionally unavailable. She had known that he grew up in an alcoholic family and had been sent away to Christian Evangelical boarding school when he was ten years old. As they fell in love, he had made certain that she knew all the baggage he carried, but she, the ultimate nurturer, was all the more challenged by his shadows. She found a sort of comfort going into a marriage where her role as a nurturer was so clearly defined. But over the years, she had become tired of his impenetrable pain and often translated his emotional unavailability as rejection. She found herself being more and more oppressed by a role she had readily created. The joy of living had been sucked out of them and she no longer had the desire to make any further resuscitation attempts.

She felt that their relationship should encompass love, sharing, communication, commitment, contentment, fun and adventure. He, on the other hand, saw his primary role in their marriage as breadwinner and an occasional participant in the periphery of their family life. Their priorities were definitely not on the same page. The only alternative she had now was to refuse a relationship for the time being and by so doing, perhaps finally seek and hone a relationship with herself before being ready to move on with her life, more secure in her own person, and more able to decide whether she should, or even could, return to her marriage.