If not spoken now - when?.....

Notes To My Adult Children

In moments of reflection along the paths of my life journey, and most recently after writing a book about my mother's journey through Alzheimer Disease, I have become more aware that I sometimes cannot completely recall a particular place, thing, or event. Yesterday, while relating a story to a friend, I could not remember the name of a childhood friend - only her initials came to my mind. 

While struggling to recall her name, I quickly realized that my biggest fear is losing my memory -  and not knowing who my loved ones are - my partner, my children, my grandchildren. What if I was starting to lose my memory now and one day soon I wouldn't know who I really was? This would be worse than death, I thought, as death is the final ending of life, but being alive and not knowing those who love you and those whom you have loved, is a living death, and as familial Alzheimer Disease lurks in our family, threatening to cover me in its veil of forgetfulness, it is a far more frightening fate to imagine.

Suddenly the name I was searching for, while telling my story, popped into my head. I breathed a sigh of relief - the name had been there all along, dormant - it just needed to come to the surface. But what if this was the beginning of a dementia that would now progress? With this thought hovering over me, I realized again that, as tomorrow has not been promised to me, I must take the time now to say things that I don't want left unsaid.

And so to my children I need to say that I am so proud of both of them - of their accomplishments and achievements. But, more importantly, of who they are and who they have become. They are kind, caring and sensitive - they know how to love and they have compassion. 

In my life, they have always come first and being their mother has always been my priority. I realize that I made mistakes. Sometimes I pushed too hard - sometimes, not nearly enough.  But motherhood is the kind of job for which there is no practice - I gave it my best shot and I  trusted that they would be resilient enough that they would not suffer too much from my  mistakes. I have been blessed to see them grow and find their own way in life. I have watched them stumble. It was hard to let them trip and fall and it was even harder to let them go from childhood to adulthood - to independent lives of their own - lives with spouses and children - lives in which I no longer have an active mothering role. I know that in the chain of their families, I am but a small link. But that link connects me with my mother, and her mother, and it will connect my children and their children as it continues through time. 

I know that there is still much I have left unsaid, but I trust that they both know that they are the greatest gifts I have ever received.