The future is tomorrow's moment.....

One Moment At A Time

She had never really wanted a child. In her heart and mind she was very clear about that. Of course, she waited until after they were married and busy building their careers to tell him how she truly felt about children. But it had never occurred to him that he could have left her and her emotionally dysfunctional persona to find a woman who would be happy to make babies with him - to share life and love and build a family together. He never felt he was worthy of such a privilege. In fact, he didn't even know that it was his privilege to expect their relationship to not include her screaming harsh words and throwing her book at him as she slammed the door on her way out to visit her friends. Or that it was his privilege to expect their relationship to include the sharing of their life with anyone other than her family, and so over the years he had lost the closeness he once had with his family and friends. 

As fate would have it, life took matters into its own hands and their son was born, and, for a while, things were better. Her angry tirades ended and their relationship settled into a day to day existence. She fell in love with their son. She was more surprised than anyone. He watched the way she sniffed the baby after he had been bathed and cuddled him as he napped in her arms. Their son got all the love he thought he would be receiving in his marriage. Instead his life with her continued as a series of ups and downs that repeatedly placed him in the throws of depression - a depression that led to him having to seek therapy to restore his mental equilibrium. 

Now, because he had finally reached the point where he could love her as the mother of his child but was no longer in love with her, her harsh words did not penetrate anymore - her coldness towards him no longer filled him with pain. He was able to never feel jealous of her love for their son and he was truly happy for their mother and son bonding - he really was - and it made him feel good that he had not been completely wrong about his choice - she did know how to love. She just didn't love him. She did know how to show tenderness. She just didn't show it to him. 

But he did love his son completely and his son loved him. The irony, though, was that now that he was finally emotionally free from the entanglements of his loveless marriage, he was no longer emotionally free to leave the marriage and find the unconditional love he so deserved. His all-encompassing love for his son and his unwavering commitment and need to fulfill his role as his father would not allow him to become the absentee parent his father had been in his life, and so he now chose to exist, one moment at a time, to guide his son along his life journey to manhood. He had no choice now but to close the door on his own tomorrow moment.