Finding Peace
Her aunt passed away a few weeks ago and she felt a deep emptiness as her heart floated in a huge, dark void.
Her mother and her aunts had had a falling out several years earlier when circumstances within her mother's life situation changed and altered the dynamics of the family, and her aunts would not accept the new parameters that were necessary for her mother to construct. For five years they had not spoken and now that one is gone, it is too late. Five years is not a lifetime, but in those years there was a lifetime of living lost - events that should have been shared - memories, birthdays, weddings, births and now death. People, once part of this family circle of love, were now complete strangers.
The argument between her aunts and her mother fractured the immediate family unit and in so doing delivered a very powerful and negative message to their children and their spouses, the cousins and the grandchildren - and that message clearly said that nothing was absolute - that family meant nothing, that helping a sibling because 'he's your brother' or 'she's your sister' held no weight and was absolutely meaningless. That there was no need for more support, no acceptance or even caring. That there need be no understanding, no allowance for any more relationship, no crossing the bridge to make things better or to work things out. That it was all or nothing. That there was no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness.
If the truth were known, her mother had reached out several times to make a difference, to make a better life which would include all her family, but, sadly, her pleas were ignored. The lack of emotional insight, courage and strength made it impossible to repair broken fences and fingers continued to be pointed and the berating and degrading continued on. Silence prevailed.
Through her own growth, she had learned that she had every right to develop relationships with her relatives - relationships that did not include her mother - but the guilt she dealt with by not including her mother, or not defending her mother in those relationships was very painful and she now had to compartmentalize her daily existence to be able to handle that guilt. But her role in their lives was, unfortunately, superficial - there was still no real openness, no total support, no complete honesty - and there couldn't be - until the 'family' was restored and would include her mother as well.
Through her growth she had also learned how important and powerful it is to look at an issue from the other person's side but at the same time she now knew that she could not change the world and could not change other people - and that to move on, all she could change was herself. She could continue to hope, though, that maybe one day soon, truth would prevail and the negativity, toxicity, and dysfunction would melt in presence of the truth - quiet and still, yet far more powerful, as she continued to reach out to her family - to her aunts and cousins - from her heart, hoping that one day the way in which she included them in her world would send a message to them that would reach into their hearts and they, in turn, would include her immediate family as well.
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