Transformation
It was almost midnight and she was not yet sleeping. In the past week her name on the transplant list had jumped closer to the top since her doctor had changed the transplant request for a younger organ to that of anyone up to 70 years of age.
Her pager could beep at any time - in an hour, a day, a week a month. She could have no way of knowing when. All she knew was that she couldn't sleep - but she wasn't afraid yet - just tired, she supposed, because of all her medical problems, but tired also from biding her time, using her time, crying sometimes, laughing quite a lot, and from dealing with all her obvious frustrations. But, on the whole, she had been quite calm. Maybe her calmness was because she was used to dealing with life-changing experiences - and most of the time the changes had always been for the better. She had learned along her life journey tha a life-changing experience could be a very small thing - like hearing the chirp of a bird that she had never heard before or watching a movie in which the subject matter would not normally have been of any interest to her, or changing the style of the clothes she had been used to wearing for years.
For the past several days of waiting for her pager to buzz, as time was closing in, her husband, children and close friends had started to display more anxiety than she had seen in them since her journey had begun. Perhaps it was hard for them, she thought, as they were waiting for the surgery to finally happen and to see her overcome it, intact, hoping that nothing would go wrong. She began to think that maybe she, too, was just as frightened because, little by little, she felt that her physical world was becoming smaller. Her physical abilities had diminished a lot, and sometimes, just combing her hair was more than she wanted to handle.
She believed in one true thing, though, and that was doing what one is required to do, with an open heart and a soul full of spirit - it was not more complicated than that. Her perceptions had started to become even more clear recently. She had spent so much time along her life journey worrying about all kinds of things. But when it came to waiting for a 'beep' that could extend her life and imrpve its quality enormously, her pre-conceived problems and mundane worries seemed to depart without a trace.
Right now, she felt her primary concern was to comfort her husband and children - but what could she really say to them that would remove their fears? As for herself, she knew that she would be asleep and in good hands during her transformation, but they would be in the hospital waiting room for hours, frightened that they would never see her again. She didn't have any deep or meaningful answers for them, but she would tell tham what was in her heart at that moment, and that they should not worry but, most importantly, that she loved them.
Soon, her life would radically change. She didn't know when, but she was ready and she would move forward, and she would go smiling, because the beginning of a new life would be waiitng for her and she would not allow any fear to stand in the way of receiving such a wonderful gift.
No comments:
Post a Comment