Final Footprints
Saying goodbye in Montreal last week to Charlotte, my dearest friend of forty- one years who has been recently diagnosed with advanced metastatic cancer, was devastating and one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.
Strange as it may seem, being told of her terminal diagnosis and grim and imminent prognosis was the easy part, dealing now with the final footprints of her life, the hardest. Confronting this very difficult reality with my mind is one thing - accepting it with my heart is an impossibility. The grief that I am experiencing is beyond what can be easily defined. I can sense in my body, and in the fullness of my emotion, a great rupture that will take place in the world I have known - an irrevocable emptiness that will now have to be filled with all my memories. At least nothing can take those away.
Charlotte has been, to me, a gift beyond measure - and she has given me a feeling of peace that I would never have known without her in my life. She has been my 'safe place to fall' with her non-judgmental attitude, sympathetic ear, encouraging words, understanding heart and overwhelming generosity, both emotionally and materially. She has always been there for me and no matter the time lapses and/or the mile distances between us, we have always been able to slip back into that comfortable place where we can talk or laugh or cry for hours, sharing our dreams and heartaches - and the added bonus for me is that, although not biologically related to me, she has been my 'true' sister, and I feel very, very blessed to have been given that privilege.
Death is a major clarifier and walking through this journey with Charlotte, I try daily to give her back a gift from me that she can carry in her soul. My every word with her matters deeply and my thoughts and feelings are expressed with clarity - straightforward and honest - and the smile on my face matches hers as she continues to radiate a calmness and goodness and happiness as she guides me along her final journey - she continues to positively touch the lives of all those whose paths cross hers - all of her family and friends and the multitudes of those who have been on the receiving end of her love and kindness.
My soul is in the midst of a very dark place. Although I am doing my best to keep my emotions under control, I am deeply saddened and feel an immense sense of injustice that such a good person has to face this battle and experience such pain. But Charlotte, through her wisdom and strength is exiting this bumpy road of life without anger or sadness, and she continues to teach me by reminding me that she has loved, has been loved, laughed till tears ran down her face, cried till she thought her heart would break but that she will continue, for whatever time she has left, to look forward to every new sunrise and enjoy each sun down - she has lived a blessed life and is grateful for all the blessings her life has given her.
And so I will put away my tears, rescue them for when she is gone. I have let her know that I wish that I could hold her hand constantly and walk with her through the pain that she is experiencing, and I will continue to tell her, for as long as I can, how very thankful I am that we can still talk with each other as time allows. I will listen eagerly to whatever she needs to share and I will rejoice with her in her every remaining moment. Though our words to each other define us, it is the love we have for each other that connects us - I have loved her deeply and treasure our connection. When the time comes for Charlotte to leave her world behind, as through our entire friendship the distance between us will not be important, for I will always be able to close my eyes and hold her hand - and our souls will continue to unite us, as I truly believe that some spiritual source - even though we are of different spiritual backgrounds - ensured that Charlotte and I would cross paths, sometime, somewhere, sharing our footprints along this complex journey called life.
Charlotte has been, to me, a gift beyond measure - and she has given me a feeling of peace that I would never have known without her in my life. She has been my 'safe place to fall' with her non-judgmental attitude, sympathetic ear, encouraging words, understanding heart and overwhelming generosity, both emotionally and materially. She has always been there for me and no matter the time lapses and/or the mile distances between us, we have always been able to slip back into that comfortable place where we can talk or laugh or cry for hours, sharing our dreams and heartaches - and the added bonus for me is that, although not biologically related to me, she has been my 'true' sister, and I feel very, very blessed to have been given that privilege.
Death is a major clarifier and walking through this journey with Charlotte, I try daily to give her back a gift from me that she can carry in her soul. My every word with her matters deeply and my thoughts and feelings are expressed with clarity - straightforward and honest - and the smile on my face matches hers as she continues to radiate a calmness and goodness and happiness as she guides me along her final journey - she continues to positively touch the lives of all those whose paths cross hers - all of her family and friends and the multitudes of those who have been on the receiving end of her love and kindness.
My soul is in the midst of a very dark place. Although I am doing my best to keep my emotions under control, I am deeply saddened and feel an immense sense of injustice that such a good person has to face this battle and experience such pain. But Charlotte, through her wisdom and strength is exiting this bumpy road of life without anger or sadness, and she continues to teach me by reminding me that she has loved, has been loved, laughed till tears ran down her face, cried till she thought her heart would break but that she will continue, for whatever time she has left, to look forward to every new sunrise and enjoy each sun down - she has lived a blessed life and is grateful for all the blessings her life has given her.
And so I will put away my tears, rescue them for when she is gone. I have let her know that I wish that I could hold her hand constantly and walk with her through the pain that she is experiencing, and I will continue to tell her, for as long as I can, how very thankful I am that we can still talk with each other as time allows. I will listen eagerly to whatever she needs to share and I will rejoice with her in her every remaining moment. Though our words to each other define us, it is the love we have for each other that connects us - I have loved her deeply and treasure our connection. When the time comes for Charlotte to leave her world behind, as through our entire friendship the distance between us will not be important, for I will always be able to close my eyes and hold her hand - and our souls will continue to unite us, as I truly believe that some spiritual source - even though we are of different spiritual backgrounds - ensured that Charlotte and I would cross paths, sometime, somewhere, sharing our footprints along this complex journey called life.
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