Tears are a sign of a hurt heart and a shattered soul.....

Expressing Emotions

For most of her life she never was allowed to see crying as an expected, positive or even necessary part of life - not to mention something that one would ever do in front of other people. She was fed the belief that crying was shameful - at best, a sign of weakness and deficiency and, at worst, a symptom of immaturity and petulance. However, several life experiences along the twisted paths of her life journey have changed her perspective.

The most significant of these experiences occurred when she found herself sitting opposite  a psychologist to whom she had been referred by her family doctor when she was having a difficult time adjusting to a major physical and emotional relationship loss along her journey. Out of the corner of her eye, at their first 'session', she saw a tissue box that had been decorated like an arts & crafts project, with yellow construction paper and the words "Survivor Kit" printed in blue high-liter pen on both sides of the box. She surmised that this was some kind of an inside joke to which she was not privy and so promptly shrugged it off.

During her subsequent visits to his office, the psychologist would sometimes nonchalantly take the box of tissues and place it on his desk, directly within her reach - not in a condescending or mocking way, but just as if to say "Don't be embarrassed if you start to cry. Emotions are healthy. Crying is just an expression of your soul."

Touchy-feely? Yes. Stereotypical? Definitely. But as soon as she let her guard down she was surprisingly comforted. Until then, due to the dynamics of the relationship she had been completely immersed/trapped in, she believed that, as a woman, and in order to make the relationship successful, she must stifle her emotions, and was constantly made to feel embarrassed and out of control for expressing them in any way.

Through the expert guidance of her 'counselor' she came to the realization that if she cried, for whatever reason, she need not be seen as crazy or hysterical or overly emotional. In fact, she could legitimately be seen as having a unique gift - the strength and capacity to be in touch with the deepest parts of herself, her very essence - something it is apparent that many men have a much harder time assessing.

As silly as it might seem, the tissue box was a kind of epiphany for her. She had learned that despite what society and/or particular people with whom she had shared her journey might have her believe, it was quite natural for her to get in touch with her deepest emotions, to admit her needs, and to express her vulnerability, and therefore her tendency to express these emotions is a treasure and one that she should never allow anyone, or herself, to devalue.         

The paths that I have travelled have constantly taken me to places and stages in my life where I have learned that there is no good without bad and no light without darkness....

Hard Times

Each and every day is an unknown and sometimes she was in awe that she woke up and got out of bed so casually, when absolutely anything could happen. She had no guarantees that all would be well, that anything she expected to happen would happen, or that everything she hoped to avoid would not happen. Life was a definite risk - but each morning she headed into the world with anticipation, wondering what paths she would travel that day on her life journey.

Some days started out iffy, but then they turned out so well by the day's end. Other days - well, let's just say she seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and she went along for the ride even when she did not particularly want to. Throughout her journey she had had some of each and many with a bit of both, but she had learned one thing along the way and that was that she would get through them.

The good days pass, and so do the bad days. She can look back to days where she was on top of the world physically and emotionally, and really feeling grateful to be alive. Then she can look back to other days, when it was literally a matter of gritting her teeth, breathing through her fear, exhaling out her anger at the injustice of it all, and opening again and again to the waves of grief and pain pouring up and through her. But on those days too, she had survived.

However, she felt that she had spent much more time than she should have looking for a better way to survive the hard times. Some hard days were spent fruitlessly pushing down or ignoring the challenging or painful feelings, telling herself that they weren't nearly as challenging or painful as they felt. Other days she spent making emergency runs to the hospital, visits to the doctor and labs for more tests, or attending appointments at the therapist  hoping that a quick tune-up would put her back together again, like new, by day's end. Still other days she spent zoned out, in a daze from ingestion of anything and everything with the word 'calming' written on it!

These days, she spends her hard times awake and aware. She has discovered that this approach is neither easier nor harder than other methods, but, for her,  it is both more honest and courageous and she wants more of each of those qualities in her life. She has also realized that she gets the most opportunity to learn when she ceases from pretending that the hard time she doesn't want to be happening isn't happening. It is happening.  It is part of her life, just like the good times, and she has learned to accept both the good and the bad, and that there is always a light at the end of the dark tunnel .

If we think good, it will be good...... 

Flatter Me, Please

Full-length mirrors tended to depress her so she avoided them whenever possible. Her philosophy was that if she looked relatively well put together from the neck up, then she was ready to face the world. She constantly worried, though, about the marginal problem areas in her appearance, and the low-level fussing over her weight stayed at a quiet simmer on the back burner of her consciousness. This was certainly enough to keep her from gazing into full-length mirrors for any length of time. But, the quiet simmer, she felt lately, had turned into more of a rolling boil over the past few years with the stark realization that, save expensive cosmetic surgery, compulsive exercise at the gym and one mean weight loss programme, she would never likely have a figure like she used to in her younger years.

Just last week she spun herself into a major panic attack after an unfortunate encounter with a full-length mirror in the changing room of the swimming pool at her local community center. The distorted visual overhead of herself had her reeling in a downward spiral for hours, and even warranted a long distance call, that evening, to her oldest and closest friend in Montreal, who helped talk her down from the precarious mental ledge she had plunked herself on. 

She had for the longest time, stubbornly held to her "full-bodied" belief that  "what you don't see won't hurt you"  policy - that is until her discovery yesterday of an alleged 'trick' mirror in the try on room of the mall's newest bathing suit shop. It was the most flattering mirror she had ever looked into, and, wonder of wonders, she actually enjoyed trying on many suits of various styles - it was positively the best shopping experience she had had in years. In all fairness, though, the mirror did not completely distort her physical reality - she still was somewhat heavier than her ideal body image was, her stomach muscles were not nearly as hard and defined as they had been pre-child bearing stage, and no magic mirror could remove the varicose veins that had begun popping out of nowhere!  But, in stark contrast to all the other treacherous mirrors she had stood in front of  - the ones that had the uncanny knack for accentuating and reflecting the most undesirable aspects of her body - this mirror highlighted the best of what she did have and made her feel like she was viewing the best senior version of her physical self.

She stepped out of the swim suit boutique, new suit packaged nicely in her shopping bag, feeling so light and carefree. Although she certainly was not a superficial woman at all, she was amazed at how she had allowed this 'positive' mirror feed-back to affect her whole being. She felt weightless and full of positivity. All the self-approving-mirror-loving energy got her thinking about the people in her life who reflect the best of her and the value, or lack thereof, of those who don't. She thought that it would be an ideal world if all those with whom she shared her life journey could afford each other the generosity that the 'hallowed' mirror  afforded her - to see beyond the wrinkles, the protrusions, the undesirables - and focus instead on all the good that is there and to highlight that good in each other.

Ultimately, she didn't want to get trapped in the eye of the flattering mirror, because there were definite areas of herself that did need more careful scrutiny and improvement. But, in the same vein, she knew it would be extremely difficult to really grow and thrive as a person 

while under the constant onslaught of negative feed-back from distorted sources - her own eyes included. 

Her mirror experience was another life lesson learned. She knew that she now needed to try to become the most flattering mirror she could for others in her life - to always look at others in kindness - and that by seeing the good outside of herself, she would automatically fortify the good within her - as she made more footprints in the sand along the paths of her life journey.     

Along my journey I have found that life can shrink and life can expand and oftentimes, in the process, life becomes a path of 'sometimes'.....

Sometimes

Written by Beverlee Blampied (c) 2013

Sometimes..... 
I want to sing, I want to shout
I know the answer, but I'm often in doubt
Things go right,  then things go wrong
I fit right in, and then I just don't belong
I want to laugh, then I start to cry
I want to live,  but sometimes it would be easier to die
I feel alive, then my soul feels dead
My heart hurts, but they say it's  all in my head
I feel lonely, but then I need my space
There are no problems in my world, then I've got too much to face
I want to run, I want to fight
I want to face life,  but often want to be out of sight
I'm happy, then all of a sudden I'm sad
I'm scared, and then I sometimes become mad
I listen to music, then I watch the news
I want to win, but most often I lose
I make decisions, but I'm not always sure what to do
Life is so confusing - what's false and what's true? 

Words are the only things that last forever.......

More Random Thoughts and Reflections

I wish that I had said what I wanted more often - but fear of rejection stopped me from saying  a lot of things.....

I have often regretted my silence, but never, when finally spoken, my words..... 

I loved being part of a life full of family, but I hate having been taken advantage of, and misunderstood, by them.....

I wish that I could walk along the shore of the ocean every day of my life, because the ocean calms and centers my emotions.....

I have had to lose some people in my life in order to find myself.....

Love is where I can carve out my own life.....

My home is not so much a physical space as it is my state of mind.....

The more I write, the more I realize that the difference between fiction and reality is that fiction makes sense.....

I have discovered that the opposite of talking isn't listening - the opposite of talking is waiting.....

Along my life journey I learned that although love could not be bought, I did pay heavily for it.....

I have learned never to compromise myself as I am all I have.....

Expressing my feelings is the key, now,  to surviving whatever fate throws at me.....

All the past experiences, good and bad, in my life have created the 'me' I am today.....

Everything I have done in my life has been a search for truth, for self, for love.....

And finally - love.......

Random Poetry written seven years ago at the fork in the road of my life journey

Written by Beverlee Blampied (c)

To risk love

To chance it all

Is the single

Most important adventure

In life's journey

Not to be missed

Because of fear

Love me

For who I am

Do not try to change me

Please try to understand

My heart

For within there lays

A burning need so deep

To just be loved

For being me -

Different though
I may be

A silence so deep

I feel as if I've been swallowed

A distance so vast

I feel before me an ocean

A place now so familiar

I feel fate has followed

A moment so rare 

I feel the world in slow motion

My muscles can't find a steady pattern

My heart can't find a constant rhythm

But in this moment I want life
To return to me

In this moment I want

Time to set me free

From all the moments

That were once lost 

Explore the chambers of my soul

Release your mind for the journey

Open your heart

Hearing not only the words

But feel the love and the passion

That they unfold

He has escaped his bondage

To find a much worse fate

Family and friends are his enemies

His world is now full of hate

A world of many secrets

No two people are the same

Yet they all pretend to know

They all pretend that it's a game

He runs around blind

Tries to show thatit all make sense

Not realizing that the darkness

Just continues to get dense

He has escaped his bondage

But his prison remains intact

His heart can't make a move

Because he's been too hurt to act

My heart aches

And though it seems aimless

It waits for that moment

When real expression of emotion

Will appear

I'm waiting 

For when I hear your voice

And unexpectedly

You'll make your real presence known

I'm waiting 

For things to be without your past in the present

To be new once more -

To enjoy you for who you are

Not who you once were

Before

I can almost feel the silence of your heart

It cries with broken dreams, broken expectations

Pain

You try to escape

But your efforts are in vain

You think that no one will ever love  you

That you can never trust again

You shed lonely tears in your search for love

But you keep coming back empty-handed

You search for someone to cherish you

And return once more with empty arms

But life can begin once more and now
Through your times

Of loneliness and despair

Look deep within your heart

Again

As who you're searching for

May already be there

Here I am
Standing

With my heart open wide

Struggling
With tears in my eyes

Waiting
For the touch of your hand

Here I am

I don't fall in love so easily

But I've fallen in love with you

I don't fall in love so easily

But my heart tells me this time it's true

I don't even know how it should feel

Don't even know if it's truly real

I don't give my heart to just anyone

Don't even know how to do it

I don't give my heart to just anyone

Don't want to put myself through it

I used to pray some day I'd change

But I found a way to stay the same

I don't fall in love so easily

I don't even know where to start

I don't fall in love so easily

I don't understand my heart

It's so hard to drop my guard

I'm afraid to just let go

I don't fall in love so easily

So how am I to know

Direct me in which way to steer
The path ahead remains unclear
Chase away my menacing fears

Devote  yourself  to drying my tears

Stranger to my puzzled heart

You hold the pieces that play the part
Captured are my thoughts to start

Grasping what may fall apart

The sun danced around me that day

I had no clue what I would say

A force of nature held my hand

It was too much for me to understand

Time has marched on and the feeling is still there

Not much has changed, I am still unclear

Taking my time to make sure it is real

For entering love is a really big deal

That is the path when it comes to love being true

Maybe one day soon we'll be able to break through

And when the sun does shine upon your face

We'll have a race of the hearts, you and I
To a love that will ultimately last until the day we die

Dazzling sunshine sparkles the sky

As I stare deeply into his eyes

Can I believe now in him - my mind still holds doubt

But his eyes make the the doubt fly about

He really is genuine and true

It's so amazing what the truth will do

In that magical place

Where dreams fly free

And stars light the way

In that quiet place

I lay awake - I see your face

Lifted up, I embrace the night

And in that moment

We are together  - complete

We are one

As life goes on we will know

Just how to let our true love grow

When we've become one in heart and soul

With a love that fills the deepest hole

With trust that leaves no doubt in our mind

The beauty of true love we will find

As pure as the light on a glistening dove

We'll have the greatest gift of all - unconditional love 

Take my hand and I'll walk with you

Stay a while and I'll talk with you

Make you smile, and make you laugh

Make  you forget your painful past

Show you that you're worth my time

See straight through to your heart

Without playing with your mind

Be patient with you and earn your trust

Honesty is another must

Stand with you and treat you right

Satisfy you through the night

Arms around you, hold you close

Be there for you - when you need me most

And when the time get tough

Lift you up when you're feeling low

I won't ever let you go

See also : 'The Teddy Bear  December 21, 2012 and 'Finally Love' December 8, 2012

One of Life's 'insights'  along my journey has constantly reminded me that selfless love often means rising above our own needs.......

Love Is In The Air

It's that time of year again - Valentine's Day - the day of love -  the day in which everyone sets out to do something special for that special someone. Hopefully it will be something different, something memorable that will make the love in their life feel just that little bit more special.

It's difficult to measure love in any way other than the "romantic' and a lot of love that is shown on a day to day basis can tend to be so easily overlooked. Although it is always nice to be given flowers, be taken out for a special dinner, or receive a thoughtfully worded card, we should also keep in mind that if, as "partners",  we are here,  on a day to day basis, attempting to do what is needed to render life easier for each other, then that, too, is a showing of love.

All too often we feel the need to emotionally run away in search of a "glamorous romance" dream life, leaving behind what is actually real love all along. The secret, I think, is to combine the every day appreciation for the one who is, and has been, there for us through thick and thin with a "special day" showing of appreciation as well.

We can never give too much love,  but we will most likely never feel as though we had too much either.  It is in the little things, day by day, that love needs to be manifested, received, and appreciated in order to recognize that we don't have to lose what we need and desire - we just have to look at it in the right perspective. And, if we do something special as well for that someone special this Valentine's Day, even if it is not necessarily in our comfort zone to do so, we will undoubtedly feel the love and see the appreciation.   

Happy Valentine's Day to the man in my life - you are and always will remain, "forever and always, no matter what" -  the one true love of my life.....