The Game of Life
For as long as she could remember, she had had a nagging feeling that something was 'wrong', something was different about her. She remembered feeling it clearly in childhood, and that it intensified considerably throughout her adolescence and early youth. When she looked back on her adolescence, her memories were surrounded by a grey fog, and tinged with sadness. Many times she remembered she convinced herself that she must have just 'wanted' to be different, that there was nothing at all wrong with her. But, it was like her mind was listening to a symphony of beautiful music with just a few notes off key. It was hard to put her finger on it, but she knew that something in her life was out of tune.
Over the years, on the countless occasions that she had struggled with some major hardships in her life, she often felt as if someone had tied a brick around her heart and was daring her to swim. The slow suffocation and strangulation of despair would descend on her, like a parachute gracefully landing. She could often see it coming, and would try to brace herself. Other times, it fell upon her quicker than a swift kick in the stomach. It was not enough to tell herself to just snap out of it, although she literally wanted to, and tried her hardest to, but she was up against an evil enemy, and the enemy often won. The enemy became her best friend, her one constant friend and eventually she didn't know any better.
Looking back, she could now see that she had unwittingly transgressed the laws of her own true nature, or stress to be who she was not, and then came in conflict with herself. Her soul wept loudly as she struggled against a paradigm that was not her own. Her difficulty was in perceiving, understanding thoughts, actions, words and deeds from her own paradigm of being, thinking, sensing. She was at times deafened by the silence of her lone singularity, caught in the sorrows of her sensibilities - daring to expect more from a world that often fell short of her idealized values.
She had always struggled with her place of value in her family and consequently its echo in the other parts of her life. When the life script contradicted or devalued who she really was, and she did not stand up for herself - then the enemy took its grip. She colluded, allowing herself to be a helpless victim of the unspoken scripts of the past. The enemy continued to resurface under pressure: stress, illness, a crisis or sets of negative circumstances. She often carried her heavy stone up a winding path, to the very top of the mountain but invariably, whenever she reached the top, it rolled back down again. It seemed that every time she soared on the wind, there was an immediate plummet into the prison that was her dark mind. And she never knew how long or severe her sentence was going to be. In floods of endless tears she often asked herself if that was all there was to life, and, more often than not, she was convinced that that was life, unfair yet the best it could get, and to ask for it to be more would have been ungrateful. The constant guilt that she felt from these feelings would hang off her shoulders. The enemy would taunt her about the 'shoulds' and 'should nots' of how she must feel - servings of guilt and self-doubt - a recipe for disaster. She could not shut down her mind, no matter how hard she tried and sleep would become a luxury.
Now, again, she had reached a pivotal point, lost in the tunnels of ongoing and irreversible family conflict. Much reading, counselling and meditation had pointed out, and made her aware - verified - that she had tried her best. She was not to blame. And now she had a choice - she could continue to break down and give in, knowing that she would repeatedly watch her stone roll down the mountain, or she could choose to triumph - survive her destiny, live another day, and, despite the circumstances, win the battle of perception.
The journey to her freedom has been a marathon event and she knows she will never qualify for the 100 metre sprint! There will still be bad times and hurt emotions. But she has discovered that she can compete equally in the game of life. She need no longer be disabled. She can become more of herself, not less. And so she has decided that she will no longer fall from the height of expectations, without a star of light and hope or inspiration that this need not be. She will no longer feel abandoned, unable to look at the next day for fear of repetition. She will no longer lose her sense of self. She will unhook from identification with her pain and fear of silence. She will free her soul.
She has now stepped out of the shadows of disempowering stories, and transcended paradigms of perception to re-create new ways of seeing, being. She has stepped away from those who had chosen to not share her journey - as they have lost touch and can no longer see who they are, let alone who she is. She is now consciously listening to her soul within, dancing to its rhythm with passion. She has allowed herself to listen to the healing processes within her darkness: signals that tell her to stop, re-think, change, listen to the music of her soul and start afresh, follow what she loves. She is allowing the tides of change and has stopped crashing against old waves. And she can breathe again.....
Looking back, she could now see that she had unwittingly transgressed the laws of her own true nature, or stress to be who she was not, and then came in conflict with herself. Her soul wept loudly as she struggled against a paradigm that was not her own. Her difficulty was in perceiving, understanding thoughts, actions, words and deeds from her own paradigm of being, thinking, sensing. She was at times deafened by the silence of her lone singularity, caught in the sorrows of her sensibilities - daring to expect more from a world that often fell short of her idealized values.
She had always struggled with her place of value in her family and consequently its echo in the other parts of her life. When the life script contradicted or devalued who she really was, and she did not stand up for herself - then the enemy took its grip. She colluded, allowing herself to be a helpless victim of the unspoken scripts of the past. The enemy continued to resurface under pressure: stress, illness, a crisis or sets of negative circumstances. She often carried her heavy stone up a winding path, to the very top of the mountain but invariably, whenever she reached the top, it rolled back down again. It seemed that every time she soared on the wind, there was an immediate plummet into the prison that was her dark mind. And she never knew how long or severe her sentence was going to be. In floods of endless tears she often asked herself if that was all there was to life, and, more often than not, she was convinced that that was life, unfair yet the best it could get, and to ask for it to be more would have been ungrateful. The constant guilt that she felt from these feelings would hang off her shoulders. The enemy would taunt her about the 'shoulds' and 'should nots' of how she must feel - servings of guilt and self-doubt - a recipe for disaster. She could not shut down her mind, no matter how hard she tried and sleep would become a luxury.
Now, again, she had reached a pivotal point, lost in the tunnels of ongoing and irreversible family conflict. Much reading, counselling and meditation had pointed out, and made her aware - verified - that she had tried her best. She was not to blame. And now she had a choice - she could continue to break down and give in, knowing that she would repeatedly watch her stone roll down the mountain, or she could choose to triumph - survive her destiny, live another day, and, despite the circumstances, win the battle of perception.
The journey to her freedom has been a marathon event and she knows she will never qualify for the 100 metre sprint! There will still be bad times and hurt emotions. But she has discovered that she can compete equally in the game of life. She need no longer be disabled. She can become more of herself, not less. And so she has decided that she will no longer fall from the height of expectations, without a star of light and hope or inspiration that this need not be. She will no longer feel abandoned, unable to look at the next day for fear of repetition. She will no longer lose her sense of self. She will unhook from identification with her pain and fear of silence. She will free her soul.
She has now stepped out of the shadows of disempowering stories, and transcended paradigms of perception to re-create new ways of seeing, being. She has stepped away from those who had chosen to not share her journey - as they have lost touch and can no longer see who they are, let alone who she is. She is now consciously listening to her soul within, dancing to its rhythm with passion. She has allowed herself to listen to the healing processes within her darkness: signals that tell her to stop, re-think, change, listen to the music of her soul and start afresh, follow what she loves. She is allowing the tides of change and has stopped crashing against old waves. And she can breathe again.....
No comments:
Post a Comment