No Spaces In Between
She never thought that she would be making a list. At least not one like this one. She looked at what she had written as her page heading - Reasons to Leave - heavily underlined in thick, black ink. This wasn't anything she had envisaged when she had walked down the aisle several years previous, in a historical church nestled on a tree lined street in Old Montreal. She thought then that happiness was hers at last.
The list was her mother-in-law's idea. In time of indecision she would do the same - set out the pros and cons on paper with a line drawn down the middle of the page.
Their home felt empty already. She missed him - she really did. She had grown used to sharing space - life - with him. She had got used to so many 'couple' things and it amazed her how quickly this had happened after years of being alone. They seemed to fit together, tucked inside each other, with no spaces in between. She wasn't certain that she wanted to give all that up now. She knew what life would be like without him. She'd lived that kind of life. Her relationship with him was her biggest life investment so far and it would not be easy to walk away from it. His investments, however, were something else altogether, and the repercussions were only just beginning.
She wondered if her decision to stay or to leave would be easier to make if he had an affair.
Would she stay or walk away then? She thought deeply and decided that she probably would not leave him for an affair, not if it was a one-night stand, a drunken mistake, but if it was a full blown emotional connection she would have to reconsider that choice. There are, after all, degrees of toleration - shades of grey that that would need more examination.
He had meant to pay the money back. He just didn't get the chance. She believed him - she really did. He made a mistake, that's all. He got himself in a mess, gambled, 'borrowed' money from his work and got caught.
Her mother-in-law said it was her choice now - the ball was in her court - but that she shouldn't be swayed by what other people thought or said, and it seemed that everyone had an opinion that they wanted her to listen to, whether she wanted to or not. These other people saw things only in black and white. But it wasn't as simple as that and perhaps they would have reconsidered their judgements had they known the truth - the whole story. In fact, they might even have done the same thing had they been in his shoes.
She had been seriously ill for months and the closest hospital to their home was over fifty miles away. The return trip to visit with her was an immense strain and an immense expense, yet all the time she was ill, strapped to various machines, fighting for her life, he had arrived every evening, a smile on his face, with flowers, magazines she couldn't read and fruit she couldn't eat. He worked all day then drove the fifty miles to spend a few hours with her before driving all the way back to an empty house - their home. His companion during his time of stress became the internet and the invisible poker players became his friends.
"For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health" - the words of their wedding vows rang continually through her thoughts. Would these vows be enough to allow them to survive this test? She looked around the room and eyed his sweater folded over the back of the sofa where he had left it when the police came. She pondered some more and slowly wrote "I love him and he loves me" on her list and as the words formed on the paper she realized that this was really what it was all about - love. What did the rest matter. It would be different if she didn't love him, or if it was one-sided, but it wasn't. She suddenly knew that it was something she would have to forgive and that they would have to overcome - together.
A shiver ran through her as she stood up, walked to the window and pulled the curtains back. The street was empty. It was dark and still she had not heard from him. It would be a long night she thought, as she settled back into the chair, list on her lap, and tried to add to it. She wondered why it was such a struggle. She stared at the words and realized that it would have been easier if she had titled the page Reasons To Stay.
She continued to sit trance like and didn't hear his key in the door, just the thump of it as he closed the world out. He came into the living room, looking like a shadow, his face pale and stressed. He slumped in the chair opposite her and mumbled that he would have to return to the station in the morning. She sensed that he was afraid to face her, afraid of the expression that he would see on her face. She stood, crossed to his chair and leaned in to hug him.
The house suddenly felt full again as she realized that her struggle was over. She didn't need her list after all. She didn't need a reason, not to leave, anyway, and she now knew she had the best reason to stay. She scrunched the paper in a ball. They would work it out. Together. Like two spoons in a drawer. No spaces in between.
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