Our own recovery should be our first priority.....

Reflection

When she goes out she leaves a hall light on and a radio playing as she hates to come home to silence and a dark apartment. When she comes home and turns the key she experiences a shift in her karmic sphere - a reaction to her actions. She closes her eyes and leans against the door then turns the key all the way and pushes the door open. She still wonders what she must have done in a previous life that made it necessary to find herself alone again. 

As she now painfully travels this new path of her life journey she is constantly discovering how strong she will have to be to withstand the moments of uncertainty that life has inevitably thrown her way. This relationship fracture, not in any way her choice or her doing, came crashing into her world and she came face to face with having to very quickly make some drastic and necessary life changes. Should she go as per the ultimatum? Should she continue to love at all costs? Should she forgive and forget one more time? The 'shoulds' became a deep internal craving as she tried to process what the best outcome for her life would be.

She has now realized she had, for so long, held on to what was no longer working and had continued to place her footprints on the same rocky path. And she has now found that why she continued to hold on to something that hurt her potential to be happy and had harmed her health, physically and mentally, needs to be looked at closely and so she continues to ask herself why she is not yet able to fully move on emotionally.

However, along her road to recovery she has discovered that life is really a balance of holding on and letting go. She truly wants to make the right choices but wonders how she will know when it is really time to let go and move on. She knows that sometimes it is easier to hold on to something that isn't working out, out of fear that she won't be able to find a safe place to land. Perhaps her greatest fear, therefore, is the unknown, which is possibly why she holds on and tries to now manipulate her life situation to control her surroundings - her new life space. But the outcome, no matter what she does, always seems to be the same - more pain, immense frustration, anger, self-doubt, and a huge sense of loss.

Along her journey, she has learned that staying in a situation that is toxic - a situation that no longer serves her well - will not bring her happiness or give meaning to her life. She now knows that she needs to initiate change, take a step forward, and emotionally disconnect from the past to be able to move on and create a solid life plan. Yes, her thoughts still go more to memories than to the present. Yes, she still feels alone, unheard, unloved, rejected, and disrespected.  Yes, she still cries more than she laughs. But she hasn't, even through all the pain and heartache, stopped hoping or stopped expecting things to get better. She is still exhausted emotionally and spiritually, but she can force a smile to mask the pain. She knows that she has not completely lost who she is and has not compromised or sacrificed her core values and beliefs and so can begin to reinvent her true self. And she has made huge progress in that she no longer expects or hopes or pleads for the person responsible for her pain to change, as she has learned, through his despicable actions, that he is not worth one more minute of her time and emotional pain.

So now, as she thoroughly, seriously and honestly searches her soul, she reflects on her life and continually works on changing the course of her path, carefully placing her footprints on an alternate route, moving forward, trusting her future and letting her journey guide her, in due time, to new happiness.     

Commitment is never an act of moderation.....

Deception's Damage 

She had loved him - truly loved him - she laid her heart open to him. She gave him a part of herself that she gave to no one else, and she let him inside a part of her that only he could hurt. She literally handed him a razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on her heart and soul. But being truly known by him, exposing her insecurities, weaknesses, hopes and fears was one of the most significant benefits of a loving and committed relationship - or so she thought. Trust was paramount. She assumed that she was safe.

And so it was a very painful and devastating experience when the man she trusted with her heart and soul - the love of her life - brought havoc into her personal life. She found it impossible to understand why someone she had been led to believe was her soul mate - the person who supposedly gave her his love and his friendship with an open heart, a shoulder to cry on and a safe place to fall - would betray her so maliciously.

In a true loving and committed relationship there is a sense of security, affinity and acceptance. She could therefore, she believed, be herself with no need to pretend or put up a false front. The ease and comfort, give and take and mutual understanding and respect that should come from this love relationship was what she cherished and desired - and had been promised. For the relationship to flourish it needed to be ripe with this criteria. Unfortunately, when he betrayed her and turned into her enemy, it left an irreparable wound on her heart - a wound related to deception, violation of trust and exposure. 

His betrayal was probably the most devastating loss she had ever experienced. In trusting him she believed that he would  never do anything to hurt her and when he did she was very quickly thrown into the lion's den and her whole existence was pulled out from under her. The loss was even more devastating when, with his cruel words and emotional abuse she realized that his love had not ever been love at all. He chose to betray her - actually planned to do so . There is always a choice and a consequence involved in everything we do,  and he knew- whether in the throws of a bipolar episode or not - what he was doing, yet he continually chose to hurt her.

She believed that in a true love relationship love is a command - not just a feeling. It is a cherishing and a nurturing and a tenderness of heart determined to serve - a commitment to give each other's life the peace and joy they should receive - so when his betrayal took place and she became a victim of his change of heart she experienced incredible, unrelenting pain, suffering, hurt, anger, self doubt, acute loneliness and a true sense of loss. She would never again exist in the bubble in which she once felt loved, safe and secure. And because of the damage of his deception her world would never be the same..... 

There is still no cure for a wounded heart....

Betrayal

She awoke in the middle of the night, unable to breath - or to go back to sleep. Instead she sat up in the brownish dark. It was over - finally over - he had packed his personal things right after dinner - an anniversary dinner she had prepared with love - a dinner she thought would return him to a calm space in which they would reminisce about the good times, the happy times, the loving times and then they would decide to try to repair their damaged relationship, one more time. But he ate in silence, went quickly up the stairs to their bedroom, packed his personal belongings, put them in the trunk of his car and drove away without even so much as a backward glance.

The faintest tease of light moved softly against the wall. A single scolding finger of light. Saliva rushed to her mouth the way it always did before she vomited. She swallowed it down, closed her eyes, leaned against the headboard and felt weak with heartache - totally lost.  Her mind continued to work rapidly as she thought about all that had happened in their years together. It was funny how crisis recalled crisis - how pain brought back old pain. How, even now, in the throws of this most recent painful episode, she had still clung to the promise he had made to her, when not lost in a bipolar episode, that he would never leave her. And so, no matter how irrelevant and emotionally invisible she became to him, no matter how depressed he got, no matter how extreme his mood swings became, no matter how manic his depression got, no matter how unrealistic his thought processes or his accusations or his threats became, she was completely willing, once again, to put all his painful words behind them and work her way through the fog, till there was light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing him as intimately as she did, she believed that he loved her, as she did him. Realistically she knew that nothing had hurt her more than being disappointed by the one person she thought would never hurt her - and she had experienced disappointing and hurtful things he had said and done when he was in an episode fog. But she also knew, or had thought she knew, that he truly didn't mean what he said and did, but couldn't seem to control himself. Each time the fog lifted he had admitted to not meaning his damaging behaviour and promised to seek professional help so the episodes would not happen again. She had, each time, forgiven and forgotten and succeeded in returning their relationship to where they loved and cared and shared and laughed and worked hard at keeping their love growing. But the professional help never materialized and this time he had threatened that, when she least expected it, he would leave her. She didn't believe he would, as he had promised he never would, but he had, and now here she sat - broken hearted, exhausted, emotionally drained yet unable to stop the tears that were flowing down her face or the sobs that continued to erupt from her soul. 

She did feel very angry. She couldn't understand why this had happened to them, although she was well aware that a bipolar type disorder was disruptive in all ways. But she had been willing - lovingly - to hang in, work through and do whatever it took to keep them together. She could not believe that he had so selfishly chosen to make such a drastic change  - a change that would entirely and painfully alter their life and the live's of their family and their friends - all who had done nothing but love him. She couldn't fathom that she had now lost everything. She hadn't needed a man in her life - she had chosen to be with him. He was intelligent, kind, honest, gentle, sensitive, communicative, and had a sense of humour. The man of her dreams, her soul-mate. The man who had promised her a 'new world'. The man who had promised to support her, protect her, keep her safe, never hurt her. The man who would give her freedom to keep her identity, integrity and independence. But now she was having to face the reality of the man he really was. And, again, as in the past 'hard spots' in her life she had to accept that sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and now she would have to discover life on her own again, and be strong enough - again - to survive the journey.  

Is there a value in being nice - or not?.....

Thought for the day:

Is there ever a time to stop being nice? A time to say "No more Ms. Nice Guy for me"? Many times along the paths of my life journey I have had to think about this before responding with a knee jerk reaction to a particular situation, or particular people within the situation.

In my definition, a nice person is someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings - they are selfless, most often seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own. They are the people I like to be around and they are the people I like to model myself after. 

On the other hand, there are those who assert themselves to ensure that their personal goals are being met, irrespective of the needs, wishes or opinions of others - they guiltlessly step on anyone who gets in the way of their climb up their proverbial 'ladder' . They are people I try to avoid at all costs, but people who nevertheless seem to get what they want out of life.

My thought is - can the two co-exist? Ideally, I need to be accommodating to the perspectives of others. I like to view myself as a considerate person who would willingly give up my seat to a handicapped person, who would generously toss a few coins to the outstretched hand of a homeless indigent, who would support the neighbourhood community projects, who would do whatever I could to help make life the best it can be for those within my 'circle of love'. I make a point of talking politely and criticizing sparingly.  Until...that is, I have a run-in with someone who so blithely takes advantage of me.  Am I being considerate - or a wimp - by being a 'yes man' to someone else's opinions, or by kowtowing to a tyrannical persons quirks?

Life lessons have taught me that there are times when decidedly un-nice behaviour is my best response. To achieve the greater goal, my correct response may be to deal sternly - or arrogantly, or selfishly, or deceitfully - with a person who only understands that negative language. With people who can't see beyond the big circle of their ego, I now ask myself if being nice is the correct approach or would a more stern method ultimately achieve my greater goal? I have learned that the only way to draw the line is in evaluating my motives. I have to ask myself why I need to be nice - do I believe that being nice is the right way to approach life or do I just want to be thought of as a nice person? Do I genuinely believe that I should forfeit my place in the bus line-up to another, or is it my fear of being labelled as ill-mannered? Should I give a rubber stamp approval to a family member or friend even if I don't agree with what they say or what they are doing because I am reluctant to appear disagreeable? Why do I generously offer my time and energy to others - do I want to be considered kind or do I genuinely believe in their cause?

For me, the key to achieving the best outcome, in all interactions, has been in developing an inner strength and in imparting to others - and demonstrating to myself -  the backbone to stand strong, whether that means acting with kindness and sensitivity (which is always my default), or acting with deceitful slyness or gruff sternness to those who, unfortunately, only understand negative language.  As in all interactions, kindness and compassion are necessary when deciding to be nice - or not so nice - but once certain that I'm right in my assessment of a situation, common sense prevails and I allow myself to make my correct choice.

Secrets can't keep.....

Thought for the day:

Along some of the paths of my life journey I encountered people who presented me with situations that were better left unspoken and so secrets were borne. Keeping secrets was intoxicating -  knowing  things that others didn't - having something hidden in my heart that only I knew about. The anticipation of the secret being revealed sometimes even provided a rush like no other. But eventually the secrets bore weight. They stole my breath. They held me in places that I no longer wanted to stand. They made me pick sides. They indebted me, indentured me, enslaved me, and dehumanized me. I became the secrets and the secrets became me and the two things were irreconcilable without the other to the point that I was not sure I was ever without the secrets at all. And I came to believe that I was only ever the secrets that I carried and nothing more - not a very comfortable place to have landed. Through life lessons along my journey, I have learned to eliminate secrets from my life - they have no place in my world. The truth is far more powerful than any secret. The truth, be it believed and/or accepted by others - or not - is all I need to know.....

Secrets and dreams bear weight, they steal your breath, and they hold you rooted in places you no longer want to stand.....

Secrets and Shattered Dreams

One thing her house doesn't have is a man. Not  anymore. She supposes it would be nice to have a man around the house, as the old saying goes. She supposes she should want a 'daddy', for her children, just as she had wanted one for herself. And then there are all the practical things that men seem to excel at such as remembering to have the furnace checked before the cold winter hits; making sure the air conditioner works before the hot, humid weather arrives; fixing the toilet tank when the chain gets unhooked; putting the garbage bins into the garage after pickup. But the truth is, she does have a man. She stills has her ex and he still does all those things for her even all these years later. He's still the children's daddy. He still comes to visit for Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. And sometimes for no reason at all. And he still gives her wonderful gifts, even when he appears to have no money! 

Some of her friends tell her that they think she is hanging on to this long-over love for him. And it's true that when he walks in the door she feels inordinately happy, despite all the bad history that has gone on between them. He was the man she thought she would never capture - the man who could rescue her from worry and lonliness. She has always been attracted to him and the attraction has never changed. She supposes it should have, knowing now that he cheated on her throughout their marriage. She supposes she should see him now as ugly and evil, but instead she just sees him as flawed, human, older. But more interesting - he has grey sideburns and sun-wrinkles at the edges of his eyes. And a thousand untold secrets behind those eyes.

His secrets were as lavish as his gifts, Their life together was dark and worrisome, and she had been totally clueless. His loving had diminished her. He was always so quick to leave the house in the morning and more often than not, even when he said he would be home right after work, he did not come back till around midnight.  And she questioned the matches from some club that she had discovered in his jacket pocket after his return from a business trip, when he had told her that the meeting had ended early and he spent a lonely evening in his hotel room watching television. She always asked and he always had explanations. Calm, annoyed explanations. She still berates herself for her idiocy in not being able to see it - in not being able to admit to herself that he was, to all intents and purposes, living a dark, rebellious and secret life. But she couldn't see it then as he was her dream come true and she didn't want to wake up.

Despite all of the negative history, she still does not understand how she could spend years of her life with someone and now be expected to hate him. Something special had drawn them together in the first place and they have children together. How can she hate the one person with whom she shares all that is worthwhile? Especially now, ten years after he had moved out, and so much of the tension is gone. She doesn't expect to ever be intimate with him again. And she doesn't care to know with whom he is intimate. Actually, he never seems to have a real relationship with anyone. And they get along better with each other now than do any of her married friends and their spouses. Realistically, though, she has come to the conclusion that, all in all, she should lose interest in marriage as she doubts relationships and can't imagine trusting a man again, certainly not enough to let him see her vulnerable. And so she has consciously chosen to never allow herself to dream again. Marriage is one of those mistakes that she will make only once.....

Along our life journey we should perceive opportunity, grasp opportunity but not misjudge opportunity.....

Thought for the day:

Why do so many people stagnate in their lives while others, at the same time and from similar backgrounds, find their 'fortune'? Is it their fault that 'fortune' passes them by, that there are no opportunities in their lives? Are the others just in the right place at the right time? Or has it something to do with perceiving and grasping opportunity when it shows itself?  Life lessons have made me aware that genuine beginnings begin with us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities. Therefore, as chance favours the prepared mind, we must always be mindful of the opportunities we are offered along our paths.