A true friend is definitely our needs answered.....

Thought for the day:

Life really is a journey and it is not always easy to know which maps to trust and/or what to pack for the trip. But whatever the weather or circumstance and wherever the road leads, the best possible travelling advice would be to bring a true and loyal friend along to share the path of your journey with you.  

Harbouring negative feelings is the thief of time within our life journey..... 

Thought for the day:

With the approaching of Autumn her memories float to beautiful times spent at the family cottage in the Laurentian Mountains of Quebec, enjoying the magnificent coloured leaves, long walks down the country roads, and the breeze from the crisp Fall air. Thoughts of what once was her 'family' cottage can still ignite, for her, good memories of family time, of siblings, children and grandchildren growing up and family social gatherings. However, unfortunately, their cottage also became a topic that led to the most awful and controversial family dispute that has resulted in family members not talking to her and ultimately, the family was ripped apart. How unfortunate that the cottage became a contentious issue when siblings could not find common grounds on which to agree. As siblings in a once close-knit family, there should have been efforts made to love unconditionally and agree to disagree with each other without such a negative result - a result that has stolen away, from all of them, the bindings that were meant to hold a family together. Painful sibling issues can, with the right motives, be repaired, but time has been stolen and can never be returned, How very unnecessary. How very sad. 

Along one's life journey, there can be no greater discovery than for two human souls to find each other and feel that they are joined in life.....

Thought for the day:
I am convinced that we all have some form of love amnesia because, if we truly remembered how very much we have been hurt in love, we would probably never try loving again. But - we are convinced, in our amnesic state, that each time and each new love relationship will be different and so we continue the overpowering search for our soul mate.

Our life journey guides us to many crossroads - no matter which road we choose the journey is always endless but no matter which path we walk we are offered many new experiences...... 

The Crossroads of My Heart

When I reflect on my life thus far, I see now that most of my footprints are well connected. This has not always been so. There have been myriads of events and circumstances along my journey that were not always favourable or logical and may never even be possible to understand, but perhaps with more passing of time, and the wisdom I have gained through the many trials, they will all some day make sense to me. 

Following my heart and making my own path in life has presented me many choices. Some of my decisions were impulsive and some were even highly calculated risks but every decision I have made has offered me the chance to learn, to grow, to feel, to love and to live life to its fullest. At the end of the day what has truly mattered is the cumulative experience, both negative and positive, that I have gained along the way.

I have learned that the choices I make today will lead me toward my ultimate goal, but that any path I choose will also lead me to another crossroad and another decision. Despite much reading, listening and introspecting I have yet to find an answer, other than my heart, that will help lead my footprints down the 'right' path. There will always be choices that I will need to make, and many times my heart will lead my head. There will always be new needs, new desires, both equally necessary and both equally important to leading a fulfilling life . Although the difficult part will always be which way to turn at each crossroad, it is exciting to again be open to whatever life has to offer as I continue to place my footprints along the paths of my journey.    

One  night at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time - and  along her journey somewhere between those infinite expanses of depression and aching there have been pockets of enough warmth and belonging and love and support from family and friends to make all the pain bearable and the fortitude worth it.....

The Game of Life

Something about the expansiveness of winter turning into spring is making her eager in a way she hasn't been for a very long time, and, in that sense, at least, the dashing of expectations she hadn't even known she had is priceless for whatever hand the changing of seasons has had in it. Until recently she had found her thoughts running off again, since that was the only thing she knew how to do when dealing with too much unmanageable emotion.

But over the past winter she has learned enough to know that nothing will ever go away until it has taught her what she needs to know. This has been her reminder through her pain, even in the blind moments of depression - hours, days and months. Her goal through all of this - this nebulous nightmare/dream that is life -  has not been to dodge the truth that she has been hurt or to somehow sidestep the bruising it has left, but has been instead to move on, realizing that in the middle of the storm she has discovered what is in the middle of her.

Did she believe that there was some good in all the anguish she has suffered? Inherently - no. Did she believe that something good could be made of it?  Yes - enough that she was willing to stake herself in it; enough that she was willing to trudge through the grief and the emotional turbulence - the physical pain and mental agony - and thereby work to fashion something halfway worthwhile out of all the wrongs.

What she now knows is that she can have a new life, a changing encounter, travel to a place that may cause a shift in her heart, meet someone who could change her. She can go, do, read, see, experience something that might even make it just a little harder to breathe. And she will survive. From now on her life will be different. The difference now, though, is that she knows that the new experiences won't be full grown. They will be new beginnings but not the journey itself. They will be the map she will use as a roadmap along her journey, but not fully the path where she will place her footprints. And, it will be up to her, and her only, to decide to continue blazing new trails. She will not backslide and retreat into routine and then have to wonder why things don't change. Too often she has gone through something emotionally detrimental and through necessity of her circumstances, has had to slip back into the normalcy of day to day life, instead of being able to do the hard work of tending to the issue at hand. Of course, life had not changed with her vision and it was hard to understand that certain moments - experiences that had mattered so intensely - seemed not to have changed anything at all.

Now, because of the work she has done to find the light through the darkness, she is ready to grow again. She still believes in pain - it does exist. But she now believes in other things too - stronger things. She believes in joy. In happiness. In the warmth of a true relationship. In the sustenance of beauty. In the power and strength of a genuine love. And she knows these beliefs will need much nurturing. 

When she anticipates not only the arrival of spring but the coming of summer as well, she thinks less now of weighing out the pain and more of nurturing herself - of picnics by a lake, the cool of the shade sitting under a tree in a friends back yard, hysterical laughter over crazy, inside jokes with friends and family, sipping iced teas in mason jars, reading all the books she had put aside, and spontaneous adventures in familiar strange places.

She is looking past her mad jaunt into depression. She believes in herself again She has faith in her abilities. She celebrates her accomplishments. She no longer feels the need to be perfect. She no longer worries about being judged, as only she knows the paths her footprints have walked and what is in her heart. She will take risks as she now has the courage to know that she may not always win but she will continue to try even when she knows she may lose. She has filed away her anger at life's negative games. She knows that although her purpose may not always be obvious, she does have a purpose. She is building a reservoir of hope, confidence, and calmness. She is open to once again trust in love. She is forever grateful and appreciative for the love and support of her family and friends. She is able to finally release her fear and in so doing she can now create her life exactly the way she wants it. 

We can't change the direction of the wind on our journey but we can alter our foorprints.....

Thought for the day:
My aim in life now is not to merely survive but to thrive, and to do so with passion, compassion, humour and style.

We can only grow when we remember that we are not what we appear to be.....

Weaving a New Life

She had long been prone to extremes and dramatic declarations - especially at times of loss or change.

After her love relationship ended, she experienced relentless sad, dark, depressing feelings. Realistically she realized that she was not so much missing her partner as much as she was missing the relationship she had thought she could have and the 'us' that it had included. She reached an emotional point where she she didn't know how she could continue to feel such depths of rejection, sadness and despair.

During one particular painful memory moment she decided to make a list of everything she was missing about her relationship life - from the smallest to the largest - and there were hundreds of items. Sobbing as she read it, an idea came into her thoughts and that was to see how many opposite items she could find - things that she didn't miss - and surprisingly, and in hindsight, not so surprisingly, she found an opposite for each one. And that amazed her.

After creating and reading the two lists, she had a profound experience of 'living in the middle' - neither missing the relationship or not missing it. It felt solid and blended and very real to be in this middle space. She felt like she could now access unconditional self-loving instead of idolizing or demonizing her past relationship and partner and in this process she has realized that her suffering came from comparing how it was to how it is and/or how she felt it would or should have been.

She is now utilizing this weaving process to break free from the polarized spell where everything is extreme, either/or, good/bad, idealized or demonized. She has now become aware that the middle is such a rich, expansive place, after having lived within the margins of extremes. Weaving her life in the middle, after experiencing loss, grief and emotional pain offers her a  much wider and more self-forgiving perspective.

It is not so much where we stand on our journey that matters as much as in what direction our footprints are taking us..... 

Thought for the day:
When obstacles arise, we can change our direction to reach our goal - we do not have to change our decision to get there.

It is now truly the time on my life journey to set new footprints and begin again.....

Life's Lesson to new beginnings:
Through the depths of this past winter I finally learned there is in me an invincible summer.

With courage we can dare to take risks.....

Thought for the day:

My courage is believing - believing in the eternal resilience of me - that joy will come back, as will hope, and spontaneity.

The price of love is pain.....

Thought for the day:

Every single thing around us changes. To live with change such as the loss of a loved one and/or a loss of love, we must focus our hearts on that which remains forever, seeking only what will bring calm and purpose into our life.

The paths of my life journey have led me to the place where I am now able to not conform to my own or to other people's models. Al I need is to be myself - believe in myself - and allow all my natural 'channels' to open.....

Belief In Self 

For the past 10 years the lack of belief in myself was a major factor in my life. I never pushed past my comfort zone because I didn't really believe that I could.

While I'm not free of all self-doubt these days, I can honestly say that, as a result of recent life experiences , I now believe in myself like never before. This doesn't mean that I'll never fail again - I probably will. Probably often. But that's OK.

Along the bumpy paths that I have travelled I have learned that it is completely fine to try and to fail, to put myself out there and not be perfect. Failure, not being perfect, making mistakes, not having people agree with me, not having people love me, not being completely accepted are not negative things - they are actually positives - they are little pieces of feedback that were necessary to grow and to learn. 

I have now grown beyond the absolutely socially acceptable realm. I have accepted the things that I was afraid of - I have learned from them, embraced them and in so doing have let go of the fear.

It wasn't easy - and it took a lot of practice - but I have now removed the things that held me back. I continue to push past my discomfort, thereby growing my discomfort method. I put myself out there and am OK with not knowing if people will accept me. I make a decision now, not listening to the negative self-talk that normally held me back. I have learned to trust myself and can now go into situations, not knowing the outcome, and I am OK with that. I have learned through repeated attempts, in the relationship areas of my life, that it is OK to fail - I will survive!. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought, and that I am more capable and more tolerant of discomfort than I thought.

And through this practice, I have found myself again - and realize that being myself and leading with my heart is perfectly fine. No one person's judgement or lack of love will ever again take away anything from my strength, purpose or soul. I am complete and I am whole. I am me..... 

We live in two worlds: one that is measured with rules and one that we can feel with our heart's imagination.....

Thought for the day:
Emotions, and being connected to them, can be a tremendous source of strength

Sometimes it is necessary to change our life story to be able to change our life.....

Little Changes

Although she knew that it was time to undertake a new change in her life she was having difficulties drawing a blueprint to her future. Her memories kept returning her to a place of sadness and in that sadness came hopelessness, and in that hopelessness she found herself believing that she would not make the right changes. She so badly wanted to give up and give in to the emotional tunnel that kept pulling her backwards into doubt, anxiety, fear and dread. Facing her grief and emotions was extremely uncomfortable and so she kept telling herself that it would be okay to quit, her life or happiness didn't matter any more, she would deal with it all another time, she was not disciplined enough to handle it now, it was too hard, she couldn't do it, she was going to fail again anyway. All she really wanted was to stop thinking and feeling.

But that, of course, was not possible. She started hearing the story she had been telling herself, over and over again, and began to realize that she would continue failing because of that story. It stood in her way, more than the actual past she was now having to face, and so, to move on, she was going to have to change the story or drop it altogether.

When she did drop it, she quickly found that without the story telling her that she couldn't or shouldn't do something, there was just the reality of the world around her - just her and the moment - and without the distraction of that story she was able to have a basic understanding goodness and love in her heart. All she had needed was to take the love in her heart and be happy and able to do the things that were compassionate to herself. The struggles that she had been up against gradually all went away, as she relaxed them and turned to the goodness of the moment. And she was now able to take a step into her future.   

If we keep our mind open to change along the paths of our life journey, we will learn that our greatest success will be not in never failing, but in being able to rise again every time we do fall..... 

Thought for the day:
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, and learning from the past.

Emotional wounds are an inevitable part of life.....

Thought for the day:
At every moment of our life we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in an abyss 

Grief is the agony of an instant.....

Thought for the day:
Grief is a walk alone. Others can be there and listen. But you walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your own personal pain, your own raw wounds, your own denial, anger and bitter loss. You do, finally, come to your own peace - but it will be in your own way, in your own time.....  

Along her life journey she had learned the healing power of writing and that telling her story could transform her life.....

Closure

By the Rhine River she sat down on a bench and wept - wept for what she had left behind - wept for the relationship she had tried so hard to nurture - the personal relationship she thought she could have. She wept for the man who had made promises he failed to keep, spoke words he did not mean. The man who lacked integrity, who had lied and played mind games. The man who was without emotion or empathy and had failed/refused to notice her tears, her fears, her sadness, her pain. The man who did not see her value. She wept for him because although she would never be able to forgive him for the havoc he had brought to her life - the emotional and mental abuse that he had introduced into their relationship - she finally felt sorry for him and for his inability to love - to be connected as one. She wept because she believed that one day he would wake up and realize that he had lost the moon while searching for the stars and it would then be too late for him to ever experience what he had so callously thrown away.

She had long ago learned that every life has a story and every story has a lesson. The lesson in her story had become more clear to her when in Switzerland, as she wandered the peaceful river paths of Basel, reflected in the beauty of Lake Lucerne, gazed in awe at the snow capped Alps, walked the beautiful streets of Zurich and enjoyed the Old Country splendour of Bern. She finally realized that she had been a prisoner of the choices she had made and with this realization she was now homesick for a place that she was not sure even existed - one where her heart was full and her soul understood. She knew, too, that the best path to a fulfilling life was rarely a straight line, and her life journey had certainly taken her along many twisted roads. She had finally reached the bottom of the hill where there were no lies left. The emotional and mental battering had not killed her but had destroyed and killed her spirit. Now, in her search for a wholehearted life, she was ready to wipe away her tears, take a deep breath and let the past go - it was what it was. She would leave it all behind her. In her new search for contentment she would replenish her spirit, focus on what was important to her, capture life's good moments, develop from the negative fall-out and move on, letting karma handle the rest.  And she would remember, always, what she was worth and that she had deserved nothing less than a man who was willing and able to share his mind, body, heart and soul. A man who could share in the power of love. She had met life's challenges head on before - she could do it again. She would believe that life could be good and she would once more achieve personal success...even if it now meant building a life on her own.          

As the paths we travel along our journey awaken us to who we really are, we become aware that every detail of life has meaning and purpose - every step is a decision - every move is deliberate.....

Illusions

She was at her desk when one of her co-workers said something demeaning about her work, and she immediately got upset, felt defensive, and thought all day about how that person was wrong and how she would prove it to him.

At home, she discovered that her husband had left his dirty dishes in the sink and the garbage bin under the sink was overflowing, and she felt quite irritated by his lack of consideration. She thought about how wrong he was, and wondered why he couldn't just do the little things it would take to be more considerate.

As she was stewing in her anger over these two people who she felt had wronged her, she began to wonder what was going on in her mind - why did she have to be so frustrated, angry and irritated by these little comments and actions? 

The next day when she went to work she noticed other people also frustrated and stressed out and angry at different times in the day. She saw it in the faces of strangers on the street as well, and in the complaints of her friends as they chatted during their lunch break.

As she sat on the subway on her way home from work, her thoughts kept mulling over all the illusions of dissatisfaction she and many others seemed to be experiencing and she began to get an understanding of what was actually happening. She felt that everyone has a treasure that they need to protect - something that not everyone else can see, but what they felt was truly valuable and needed to be protected - an inner 'gem' - and when one person would interact with the other, even if the actions or conversations had nothing to do with their inner gem, each person would worry that the other was trying to attack their inner gem. Everything then became about guarding their gem, protecting it from attack, making sure it was safe. Her thought process took her to where she realized, obviously, that these gems didn't really exist - that people just imagined therm to be real, without even realizing that they were thinking that way. She became aware that it was all an illusion - an illusion that was making her unhappy.

She made a conscious decision on her journey home that evening that she would stop trying to protect an imaginary gem - stop trying to be right, to be seen as good and competent and smart and perfect - stop trying to see herself as a good person at all times. She would stop thinking that other people's words and actions had anything to do with who she knew herself to be. She would stop trying to protect her position and self-image.

And, along the paths of her life journey, after gently letting go of these illusions, she had become happier. She could now smile when someone else would start protecting their imaginary gem, and realize that their frustration or rudeness had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with what they were protecting. She now went about her day, focussing on and enjoying each moment, knowing that if she took good care of each moment her every tomorrow would have a vision of hope.  

  

Life's lessons have taught that placing footprints into a committed relationship takes courage, compassion and vulnerability but unfortunately being vulnerable can often lead to being blind to reality.....


Poems by Beverlee Blampied (c)

You came to me as no other had 
With dreams that I longed to share
A man, once proud, with eyes so sad
You caught me unaware
Without a hint, without a sign
And my heart went out to you
I dreamt that one day you'd be mine
To keep and hold as true
I chased an illusive dream that had no end
Went searching for the stars
Now here I am, and have to mend
My broken heart of scars
My tears will dry and run anew
Now that all hope is lost
How can I bear to make it, though
Without you - at what cost
Once my friend, my lover, sweet and kind
But to the 'deceptive' you I was so blind
And now hopefully one day soon I'll learn to live
Without your betrayal always on my mind
Knowing my heart I will never again give


Did you leave our life some months ago
Did rain fall hard but very slow
Or was that my tears mixed with your abusive words
That fell hard just as spring showers could
What you said - what I heard
Though this to me does seem absurd
After all your once kind and once caring words
I was now afraid to hear you speak
As I listened and knew that what you said
Were words that your troubled mind had fed
I had always watched the sky for rain
And prayed that it would not come again
But in truth I did rather the raindrops fall
Than not to have you in my life at all
So I often walked 'tear'-soaked, but stayed
Through all the drizzling, rain soaked days
Held on through each painful 'episode'
Hoping one day you would find your way back - then
When the sun, someday, as in the past
Would shine warmly on us once again


Your walking away
Shouldn't have to  be so  hard
When your staying with me
Would be twice the pain for you
Your walking away
Should ease the grief
That shatters my heart
Yet it hurts less for me 
Than watching you
Turn your back on my love
So if your walking away
Brings you such relief
Why are my tears
Falling so freely
When my love for you
Wanted only your happiness

Lying here watching the morning shadows
Dance across my bedroom walls
I let my mind drift back to when we shared our life
When you were the 'authentic' you
And I could cuddle up by your side -
Listen to you breathe
Reassuring me that when the dawn's light entered the room
You would turn and our day would begin
But now, as the morning shadows linger in the room
I rise to face another day - our 'forever and always' -
Without you.....