FOREVER LOVE
Written
by Beverlee Blampied ©
They
once were a couple, content and glad
Now,
as they hold hands, he holds the memories she had
She’s
in the same house they have lived in for years
But
now as a stranger, with confusion and fears
Yet
now and again she will look in his eyes
And
remember the past that’s so quickly gone by
And
just for that moment, she’s back by his side
And
his heart fills with love, and sadness and pride
THE STORY OF FRED AND THELMA
An excerpt from my forthcoming book on Alzheimer Disease
Alzheimer
Disease is a disease that drains the body, mind and family. It is bigger than
cancer, bigger than heart or lung disease, and for seniors it is the single
greatest cause of disability and debilitation. Its cruel course robs people of
what they treasure the most: memories, skills, relationships and independence.
And then the body starts to whither and waste away.
Fred,
eighty years old, says he won’t put Thelma, eighty-four years old, into a
nursing home facility until he has to, and he has pre-set criteria for when this
becomes necessary. Thelma's recent need to wander and her attempts to leave
home in the middle of the night are occurrences that, if they continue to
happen, will put her in danger and Fred, to protect her from harm, will have to
come to terms about his continuing to remain her only caregiver. He hopes that
this will never come to pass, but sadly realizes that each stage of this
insidious disease, with its unforgiving progression, will bring the time when
he will have to make this very difficult decision – a decision that will break his
heart and destroy his spirit.
For
more than 47 years, Fred and Thelma have been a couple – married, raised
children, travelled, and enjoyed a full life and wonderful times spent
together. Now Thelma's illness has left her unable to function independently,
unable to cook, to clean, to manage the household, or to tend to their award winning garden that she had so lovingly cared for for so many years. She no longer remembers who she was and
who she is, and is unable to carry on the avid, intelligent, emotionally and
memory filled conversations that were second nature in their relationship. In
fact, Fred now does most of the talking. His wife, to his deepest sorrow,
hardly talks at all anymore and what she does say, on occasion, is
superficially insignificant and/or rarely makes sense. For Fred it has been a series of grief
experiences, as he has watched memories disappear and skills erode.
Like
most people with dementia, Thelma doesn’t understand what is happening to her,
so the burden is far heavier on Fred and, as Thelma forgets all that she has
learned, he has been forced to learn everything new, all the while mourning the
loss of intimacy in his marriage. Each day becomes more silent, absent of those
simple bits of chatter that fill up a marriage. He has had to teach himself
to manage the household duties
that had always fallen to his wife. He has adjusted to the fact that Thelma now
lives in her own world – lost in a mind with no concept, no logic. He now lays
out her clothes and helps her dress. He has acquired the skill of promising her
things that aren’t quite true, but the promises make life easier for him as he
has to deal with the intricacies of their daily routine. He has also learned to
let odd behaviors slide, realizing that it makes no difference if she chooses
to eat her dessert before her dinner.
Thelma still accepts his hugs warmly, but there is no real intimacy left in their
marriage. Sometimes she will look at him as though he’s a stranger and
sometimes mentions him in the third person. Every morning their day begins with Fred showing Thelma a copy of their marriage certificate to convince her that he
is, indeed, her husband. Soon, he
knows, she will even forget his name.
Fred faces an uphill battle of stamina, problem solving and a never-ending and
difficult journey encompassed with diminished communication and decreased
rewards. His time is no longer his own – he receives only two hours of
home-care help daily. Their family, with families and lives of their own to attend to, help whenever possible,
but the crux of Thelma's care is in Fred's hands. He cannot live beyond today, he cannot live in yesterday,
and he cannot expect anything from tomorrow except the barest of what it
brings.
Fred has lost his partner and, in truth, the keeper of his memories, but he has not
lost his love for the woman with whom he has shared the better part of his
life, even though she is now a sad shadow of the woman he met and married years
ago - he the handsome bachelor and she the 'knockout' woman of his dreams. She is now, and will continue to remain, the center of his universe. His
role as Thelma's caregiver is not a sacrifice he is making – it is what he
chooses to do, with love, as it is the time he has left with her, and the time
is precious.
Their
love story has not yet ended and right now he focuses on what they do have – on
the good things – like holding hands, going out together on Thursday and
Saturday evenings to listen to Karaoke music at a neighborhood venue and
attending Friday evening Karaoke sessions at their local legion, filled with
long-time friends, where Fred sings to the members in his powerful yet warm
voice, and Thelma listens to the music intently and eagerly accepts an
invitation to dance with a fellow friend and legion member, while Fred sings.
And then, in an unexpected flash, there are those brief moments when the fog lifts and he can get her
back, if only for a few seconds…..
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