Our destiny is made known silently.....

Thought for the day:
Silence is something that we can actually hear. In the sounds of silence - Imagine, See, Listen, Live -  and the words will come and look after themselves.

We must allow ourselves to be who we really are and not lose ourselves in the visions of others,  in order to do what we need to do, to have what we truly want.....

The Game of Life

For as long as she could remember, she had had a nagging feeling that something was 'wrong', something was different about her. She remembered feeling it clearly in childhood, and that it intensified considerably throughout her adolescence and early youth. When she looked back on her adolescence, her memories were surrounded by a grey fog, and tinged with sadness. Many times she remembered she convinced herself that she must have just 'wanted' to be different, that there was nothing at all wrong with her. But, it was like her mind was listening to a symphony of beautiful music with just a few notes off key. It was hard to put her finger on it, but she knew that something in her life was out of tune.

Over the years, on the countless occasions that she had struggled with some major hardships in her  life, she often felt as if someone had tied a brick around her heart and was daring her to swim. The slow suffocation and strangulation of despair would descend on her, like a parachute gracefully landing. She could often see it coming, and would try to brace herself. Other times, it fell upon her quicker than a swift kick in the stomach. It was not enough to tell herself to just snap out of it, although she literally wanted to, and tried her hardest to, but she was up against an evil enemy, and the enemy often won. The enemy became her best friend, her one constant friend and eventually she didn't know any better.

Looking back, she could now see that she had unwittingly transgressed the laws of her own true nature, or stress to be who she was not, and then came in conflict with herself. Her soul wept loudly as she struggled against a paradigm that was not her own. Her difficulty was in perceiving, understanding thoughts, actions, words and deeds from her own paradigm of being, thinking, sensing. She was at times deafened by the silence of her lone singularity, caught in the sorrows of her sensibilities - daring to expect more from a world that often fell short of her idealized values.

She had always struggled with her place of value in her family and consequently its echo in the other parts of her life. When the life script contradicted or devalued who she really was, and she did not stand up for herself - then the enemy took its grip. She colluded, allowing herself to be a helpless victim of the unspoken scripts of the past. The enemy continued to resurface under pressure: stress, illness, a crisis or sets of negative circumstances. She often carried  her heavy stone up a winding path, to the very top of the mountain but invariably, whenever she reached the top, it rolled back down again. It seemed that every time she soared on the wind, there was an immediate plummet into the prison that was her dark mind. And she never knew how long or severe her sentence was going to be. In floods of endless tears she often asked herself if that was all there was to life, and, more often than not, she was convinced that that was life, unfair yet the best it could get, and to ask for it to be more would have been ungrateful. The constant guilt that she felt from these feelings would hang off her shoulders. The enemy would taunt her about the 'shoulds' and 'should nots' of how she must feel - servings of guilt and self-doubt - a recipe for disaster. She could not shut down her mind, no matter how hard she tried and sleep would become a luxury.

Now, again, she had reached a pivotal point, lost in the tunnels of ongoing and irreversible family conflict. Much reading, counselling and meditation had pointed out, and made her aware - verified - that she had tried her best. She was not to blame. And now she had a choice - she could continue to break down and give in, knowing that she would repeatedly watch her stone roll down the mountain, or she could choose to triumph - survive her destiny, live another day, and, despite the circumstances,  win the battle of perception. 

The journey to her freedom has been a marathon event and she knows she will never qualify for the 100 metre sprint! There will still be bad times and hurt emotions. But she has discovered that she can compete equally in the game of life. She need no longer be disabled. She can become more of herself, not less. And so she has decided that she will no longer fall from the height of expectations, without a star of light and hope or inspiration that this need not be. She will no longer feel abandoned, unable to look at the next day for fear of repetition. She will no longer lose her sense of self. She will unhook from identification with her pain and fear of silence. She will free her soul. 

She has now stepped out of the shadows of disempowering stories, and transcended paradigms of perception to re-create new ways of seeing, being. She has stepped away from those who had chosen to not share her journey - as they have lost touch and can no longer see who they are, let alone who she is. She is now consciously listening to her soul within, dancing to its rhythm with passion. She has allowed herself to listen to the healing processes within her darkness: signals that tell her to stop, re-think, change, listen to the music of her soul and start afresh, follow what she loves. She is allowing the tides of change and has stopped crashing against old waves. And she can breathe again.....

Our words are the camera that determine our reality.....

Thought For The Day:
It has been said that thoughts and words rule our world. Why, then, is it never possible to share what we want to say - all our thoughts - honestly, frankly, unveiled, uncensored - without the risk of being misunderstood?

To my teenage granddaughter - congrats on turning 13 Rhianne Kayley.....

HAPPY 13TH BIRTHDAY

Written by Beverlee Blampied (c)

Today you have become a teenager

It's a day you've been waiting for

13 years old you are now

Growing up well -  very loved and adored

Live each and every moment -  be the best that you can be

For the character of your makeup is the one thing that will last

At home, at school, or wherever you are

Guide and guard yourself with care, as life happens so fast

Hope you have a very special birthday

May all of your dreams come true

And may the start of these special teenage years

Bring much fun and happiness to you

In life every story has an ending - in a story every ending is a new beginning.....

New Beginnings

She noticed that it was beginning to get dark earlier these days. It was only mid November yet there was an icy coolness in the air as the sky began to darken.  But she was feeling a little warm, - perhaps from the anxiety and nervousness in the pit of her stomach. In a few minutes he would be there. She couldn't believe that it was actually happening, felt like she was part of a made-for-TV movie. But some part of her had obviously clued in, because, while it all seemed remote and unreal, she was literally shaking with nervous energy.

She had put on her 'little black dress' under which was her new black-lace underwear. She had perfectly plucked her eyebrows, painted her finger and toe nails a nice cherry red and had had her hair cut in a fresh, yet somewhat funky, hair style. She looked in the mirror and liked what she saw. Maybe because she was excited or maybe because she was more comfortable with herself in middle-age. She was a bit larger than she wanted to be - than what he would remember her being - but there was something still strongly feminine about her new curves. Her eyes were dark and purposeful. Her lips were softly lined and sensual. She looked and felt like a woman who had seen things, knew things, experienced things. A  woman who could be trusted. She was the best she could be and now all she had to do was wait.

She had invited him for dinner ten days ago, when they had discovered each other again and renewed their acquaintance during a lunch break at the business conference they were both attending in the city. It was now many years after they had gone their separate ways  - he to Vancouver, she to Toronto - after ending their casual dating relationship, both of them in search of careers, and not then prepared to take on the responsibilities of a more permanent relationship. He had readily accepted her invite.

The meal was cooked. The house was clean and arranged just so. She sat on the love seat by the window, awaiting his arrival. She pictured him pulling up in the driveway. Wondered if he was nervous too. She thought how wonderful it would be if he could actually accept her as she was now - and this time maybe really learn to love her - and how extraordinary that would be. She thought that the good thing about falling in love when you are middle-aged is that you wouldn't have to always be asking your partner if they'll still love you when you are old and grey. You are already old and grey! She thought that to have somebody love her now would feel even better than winning the lottery. 

She heard a car door shut and peeked out to see, in the soft dusky light, a figure walking up the front pathway. She felt her whole body clench - not a good feeling - fear - like a spasm. Fortunately it passed quickly and she went to the front door, only pausing for a minute before opening it. She watched him walk towards her and smile as he approached the door. She couldn't help smiling back as she took him all in - the grey tweed jacket, the khaki pants, the black T-shirt. The strong, manly neck. The flecks of silver in his hair. His smile didn't change at all. His eyes were filled with warmth as he took her face in his hands and kissed her. 

At dinner they talked and laughed. He liked her cooking. He liked being with her. There was no need for words. .

She knew that there were few moments in life that alter you - few moments that act as a curtain between then and now. The past and the future. Few moments that were better in real life than in memory . She realized that this night was one of those moments.  She knew that pleasure can be fleeting and that love is uncertain. But at this exact moment she was happier than she had been in a very long time and she was suddenly certain that in this moment was a chance for a new beginning - a beginning that had eluded her, until now. 

  

That which is real, never changes.....

Remembering When

She knew that almost everyone had had it happen at some point in their lives. A past love would move on. A past love would marry another. A past love would be nothing more than a distant memory. But she never thought that it would happen to her - or that she would be phased by what once was. She never thought that the day would really come when she would never again look into his eyes. She never thought that she would pick up the phone and then hesitate to call his number. She never imagined that every song about a lost love would be able to bring a tear to her eyes and his face to her mind. Actually, she never thought that he would ever really belong to someone else.

She never thought it would happen - but it did. She had recently found out that the one she had loved so completely, for so many years, was about to marry another. He had found happiness in a soul other than hers. He had found someone else to complete him, while here she sat, missing him - his eyes, his face, his smile. She could see that smile, the smile that she still saw in her dreams so many nights.  And she couldn't help but wonder, why only now, now that he was no longer within her reach, did it burden her so much?

She didn't even know the past anymore. She didn't even know why the relationship had gone so wrong. Was it something she had done wrong? Where had they fallen apart? When had he lost faith in her and she in him? When did the roses wilt and fade away?

Even though the years had passed them both by - a phone call here, a chance meeting there - she knew that, no matter what, he would always have a piece of her heart. Not a day had passed that she didn't miss him - and she couldn't help but wonder if he missed her too. Did she ever cross his mind? Did he miss her voice in his ear?

And as these thoughts ran through her tangled mind, and she wiped the tears from her cheeks, she had to admit to herself that she knew he would not be happier with her. They had outgrown each other long before they had parted ways. He now had another life - one entirely separate from the one he knew with her and she with him. She, too, was now another person from the one with whom he had shared his love. He had found his own strength without her. He now loved another. Yet, for just another moment, she wished that she could look into the depths of his eyes, just one more time, and feel what she had once felt with him.

She had always thought that they would circle back around each other, and yet, fate had another hand to deal her. So why was it that she was only plagued by this when hearing that he was now lost forever? Why hadn't it bothered her when she was looking into his eyes attempting to explain why she hadn't called him back the last time he had phoned her? Why were emotions such a blessing at times and such a curse at others?

The one thing she would take from this sudden pain now was his memory; every smile seemed brighter, every touch more tender, every glance more filled with  longing - they seemed happier in her memory than she was sure they really had been. In memory they laughed more, touched more, felt more. But now her ultimate realization was that although their love may have faded away in reality, in her memory and in her heart, it still burned so brightly that she would never remember him with anything other than adoration. She also wished him nothing but ultimate happiness. No matter how much it pained her now, she wanted more for him than she could ever imagine wanting for herself.  

There are things we did in life that we wish we hadn't, and things we didn't do that we wish we had.....

Thought for the day:
Each and every one of us leaves a footprint on the world. Our footprints are a record that we were here , and they leave an insight into who we were and what we did. Our choice is in only what kind of footprint to leave.