Life's lessons have taught that placing footprints into a committed relationship takes courage, compassion and vulnerability but unfortunately being vulnerable can often lead to being blind to reality.....


Poems by Beverlee Blampied (c)

You came to me as no other had 
With dreams that I longed to share
A man, once proud, with eyes so sad
You caught me unaware
Without a hint, without a sign
And my heart went out to you
I dreamt that one day you'd be mine
To keep and hold as true
I chased an illusive dream that had no end
Went searching for the stars
Now here I am, and have to mend
My broken heart of scars
My tears will dry and run anew
Now that all hope is lost
How can I bear to make it, though
Without you - at what cost
Once my friend, my lover, sweet and kind
But to the 'deceptive' you I was so blind
And now hopefully one day soon I'll learn to live
Without your betrayal always on my mind
Knowing my heart I will never again give


Did you leave our life some months ago
Did rain fall hard but very slow
Or was that my tears mixed with your abusive words
That fell hard just as spring showers could
What you said - what I heard
Though this to me does seem absurd
After all your once kind and once caring words
I was now afraid to hear you speak
As I listened and knew that what you said
Were words that your troubled mind had fed
I had always watched the sky for rain
And prayed that it would not come again
But in truth I did rather the raindrops fall
Than not to have you in my life at all
So I often walked 'tear'-soaked, but stayed
Through all the drizzling, rain soaked days
Held on through each painful 'episode'
Hoping one day you would find your way back - then
When the sun, someday, as in the past
Would shine warmly on us once again


Your walking away
Shouldn't have to  be so  hard
When your staying with me
Would be twice the pain for you
Your walking away
Should ease the grief
That shatters my heart
Yet it hurts less for me 
Than watching you
Turn your back on my love
So if your walking away
Brings you such relief
Why are my tears
Falling so freely
When my love for you
Wanted only your happiness

Lying here watching the morning shadows
Dance across my bedroom walls
I let my mind drift back to when we shared our life
When you were the 'authentic' you
And I could cuddle up by your side -
Listen to you breathe
Reassuring me that when the dawn's light entered the room
You would turn and our day would begin
But now, as the morning shadows linger in the room
I rise to face another day - our 'forever and always' -
Without you.....
  

If only it were easier to forget and smile than to remember and be sad....

Thought for the day:
Those we have loved and shared our heart and soul with leave deep impressions that can not ever be erased as though they were marked with indelible ink - every physical trace of that person who hurt us can be removed from our life but we are still left with the string of painful memories.....  

Suffering can lead us to reconsider the meaning of our existence.....

Thought for the day:

Sometimes we lose what we thought was so special - but sometimes, in hindsight, we find that what we lost wasn't so wonderful after all, and so we must choose to begin to learn to rise above our loss and set out to find a better place to land. Hopefully, one day, we will find our way back to a space where we will be comfortable again. During our grieving process our emotions will flow like a river and memories will sneak out of our eyes and roll down our cheeks as tears, coming from nowhere, and engulfing all that we are. Often we will stand at the cusp of nothing as things happen in a way that is never expected. But along our journey we will learn that at the end of something that was never supposed to end, something new can begin. It is hard to explain and it is even harder to live. 

We must believe that there will - again - be a smile behind our sorrow, love behind our hurt and anger, and a reason behind the silence of our thoughts. And, then, in that painful silence we can allow ourselves to hear the truth and in the subsequent changes we can search for our true direction.

Some paths will appear in front of us; paths that we are meant to take no matter how much we may want to avoid them. We will not always know why we must walk a particular trail or where the trail will lead us, but it is there in front of us as part of our new journey and can take us forward into better horizons, burning destructive bridges behind us. Burning these bridges is a good thing as it will prevent us from going back to a place where we should never have been. And, finally, we can understand that the past is a mere place of reference - not a place of forever residence.

We will have discovered that grief never ends but it does change. It is a passage, not a place to stay. We will have learned that grieving is not a sign of weakness. But it is the price of love.....   

Our own recovery should be our first priority.....

Reflection

When she goes out she leaves a hall light on and a radio playing as she hates to come home to silence and a dark apartment. When she comes home and turns the key she experiences a shift in her karmic sphere - a reaction to her actions. She closes her eyes and leans against the door then turns the key all the way and pushes the door open. She still wonders what she must have done in a previous life that made it necessary to find herself alone again. 

As she now painfully travels this new path of her life journey she is constantly discovering how strong she will have to be to withstand the moments of uncertainty that life has inevitably thrown her way. This relationship fracture, not in any way her choice or her doing, came crashing into her world and she came face to face with having to very quickly make some drastic and necessary life changes. Should she go as per the ultimatum? Should she continue to love at all costs? Should she forgive and forget one more time? The 'shoulds' became a deep internal craving as she tried to process what the best outcome for her life would be.

She has now realized she had, for so long, held on to what was no longer working and had continued to place her footprints on the same rocky path. And she has now found that why she continued to hold on to something that hurt her potential to be happy and had harmed her health, physically and mentally, needs to be looked at closely and so she continues to ask herself why she is not yet able to fully move on emotionally.

However, along her road to recovery she has discovered that life is really a balance of holding on and letting go. She truly wants to make the right choices but wonders how she will know when it is really time to let go and move on. She knows that sometimes it is easier to hold on to something that isn't working out, out of fear that she won't be able to find a safe place to land. Perhaps her greatest fear, therefore, is the unknown, which is possibly why she holds on and tries to now manipulate her life situation to control her surroundings - her new life space. But the outcome, no matter what she does, always seems to be the same - more pain, immense frustration, anger, self-doubt, and a huge sense of loss.

Along her journey, she has learned that staying in a situation that is toxic - a situation that no longer serves her well - will not bring her happiness or give meaning to her life. She now knows that she needs to initiate change, take a step forward, and emotionally disconnect from the past to be able to move on and create a solid life plan. Yes, her thoughts still go more to memories than to the present. Yes, she still feels alone, unheard, unloved, rejected, and disrespected.  Yes, she still cries more than she laughs. But she hasn't, even through all the pain and heartache, stopped hoping or stopped expecting things to get better. She is still exhausted emotionally and spiritually, but she can force a smile to mask the pain. She knows that she has not completely lost who she is and has not compromised or sacrificed her core values and beliefs and so can begin to reinvent her true self. And she has made huge progress in that she no longer expects or hopes or pleads for the person responsible for her pain to change, as she has learned, through his despicable actions, that he is not worth one more minute of her time and emotional pain.

So now, as she thoroughly, seriously and honestly searches her soul, she reflects on her life and continually works on changing the course of her path, carefully placing her footprints on an alternate route, moving forward, trusting her future and letting her journey guide her, in due time, to new happiness.     

Commitment is never an act of moderation.....

Deception's Damage 

She had loved him - truly loved him - she laid her heart open to him. She gave him a part of herself that she gave to no one else, and she let him inside a part of her that only he could hurt. She literally handed him a razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on her heart and soul. But being truly known by him, exposing her insecurities, weaknesses, hopes and fears was one of the most significant benefits of a loving and committed relationship - or so she thought. Trust was paramount. She assumed that she was safe.

And so it was a very painful and devastating experience when the man she trusted with her heart and soul - the love of her life - brought havoc into her personal life. She found it impossible to understand why someone she had been led to believe was her soul mate - the person who supposedly gave her his love and his friendship with an open heart, a shoulder to cry on and a safe place to fall - would betray her so maliciously.

In a true loving and committed relationship there is a sense of security, affinity and acceptance. She could therefore, she believed, be herself with no need to pretend or put up a false front. The ease and comfort, give and take and mutual understanding and respect that should come from this love relationship was what she cherished and desired - and had been promised. For the relationship to flourish it needed to be ripe with this criteria. Unfortunately, when he betrayed her and turned into her enemy, it left an irreparable wound on her heart - a wound related to deception, violation of trust and exposure. 

His betrayal was probably the most devastating loss she had ever experienced. In trusting him she believed that he would  never do anything to hurt her and when he did she was very quickly thrown into the lion's den and her whole existence was pulled out from under her. The loss was even more devastating when, with his cruel words and emotional abuse she realized that his love had not ever been love at all. He chose to betray her - actually planned to do so . There is always a choice and a consequence involved in everything we do,  and he knew- whether in the throws of a bipolar episode or not - what he was doing, yet he continually chose to hurt her.

She believed that in a true love relationship love is a command - not just a feeling. It is a cherishing and a nurturing and a tenderness of heart determined to serve - a commitment to give each other's life the peace and joy they should receive - so when his betrayal took place and she became a victim of his change of heart she experienced incredible, unrelenting pain, suffering, hurt, anger, self doubt, acute loneliness and a true sense of loss. She would never again exist in the bubble in which she once felt loved, safe and secure. And because of the damage of his deception her world would never be the same..... 

There is still no cure for a wounded heart....

Betrayal

She awoke in the middle of the night, unable to breath - or to go back to sleep. Instead she sat up in the brownish dark. It was over - finally over - he had packed his personal things right after dinner - an anniversary dinner she had prepared with love - a dinner she thought would return him to a calm space in which they would reminisce about the good times, the happy times, the loving times and then they would decide to try to repair their damaged relationship, one more time. But he ate in silence, went quickly up the stairs to their bedroom, packed his personal belongings, put them in the trunk of his car and drove away without even so much as a backward glance.

The faintest tease of light moved softly against the wall. A single scolding finger of light. Saliva rushed to her mouth the way it always did before she vomited. She swallowed it down, closed her eyes, leaned against the headboard and felt weak with heartache - totally lost.  Her mind continued to work rapidly as she thought about all that had happened in their years together. It was funny how crisis recalled crisis - how pain brought back old pain. How, even now, in the throws of this most recent painful episode, she had still clung to the promise he had made to her, when not lost in a bipolar episode, that he would never leave her. And so, no matter how irrelevant and emotionally invisible she became to him, no matter how depressed he got, no matter how extreme his mood swings became, no matter how manic his depression got, no matter how unrealistic his thought processes or his accusations or his threats became, she was completely willing, once again, to put all his painful words behind them and work her way through the fog, till there was light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing him as intimately as she did, she believed that he loved her, as she did him. Realistically she knew that nothing had hurt her more than being disappointed by the one person she thought would never hurt her - and she had experienced disappointing and hurtful things he had said and done when he was in an episode fog. But she also knew, or had thought she knew, that he truly didn't mean what he said and did, but couldn't seem to control himself. Each time the fog lifted he had admitted to not meaning his damaging behaviour and promised to seek professional help so the episodes would not happen again. She had, each time, forgiven and forgotten and succeeded in returning their relationship to where they loved and cared and shared and laughed and worked hard at keeping their love growing. But the professional help never materialized and this time he had threatened that, when she least expected it, he would leave her. She didn't believe he would, as he had promised he never would, but he had, and now here she sat - broken hearted, exhausted, emotionally drained yet unable to stop the tears that were flowing down her face or the sobs that continued to erupt from her soul. 

She did feel very angry. She couldn't understand why this had happened to them, although she was well aware that a bipolar type disorder was disruptive in all ways. But she had been willing - lovingly - to hang in, work through and do whatever it took to keep them together. She could not believe that he had so selfishly chosen to make such a drastic change  - a change that would entirely and painfully alter their life and the live's of their family and their friends - all who had done nothing but love him. She couldn't fathom that she had now lost everything. She hadn't needed a man in her life - she had chosen to be with him. He was intelligent, kind, honest, gentle, sensitive, communicative, and had a sense of humour. The man of her dreams, her soul-mate. The man who had promised her a 'new world'. The man who had promised to support her, protect her, keep her safe, never hurt her. The man who would give her freedom to keep her identity, integrity and independence. But now she was having to face the reality of the man he really was. And, again, as in the past 'hard spots' in her life she had to accept that sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and now she would have to discover life on her own again, and be strong enough - again - to survive the journey.  

Is there a value in being nice - or not?.....

Thought for the day:

Is there ever a time to stop being nice? A time to say "No more Ms. Nice Guy for me"? Many times along the paths of my life journey I have had to think about this before responding with a knee jerk reaction to a particular situation, or particular people within the situation.

In my definition, a nice person is someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings - they are selfless, most often seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own. They are the people I like to be around and they are the people I like to model myself after. 

On the other hand, there are those who assert themselves to ensure that their personal goals are being met, irrespective of the needs, wishes or opinions of others - they guiltlessly step on anyone who gets in the way of their climb up their proverbial 'ladder' . They are people I try to avoid at all costs, but people who nevertheless seem to get what they want out of life.

My thought is - can the two co-exist? Ideally, I need to be accommodating to the perspectives of others. I like to view myself as a considerate person who would willingly give up my seat to a handicapped person, who would generously toss a few coins to the outstretched hand of a homeless indigent, who would support the neighbourhood community projects, who would do whatever I could to help make life the best it can be for those within my 'circle of love'. I make a point of talking politely and criticizing sparingly.  Until...that is, I have a run-in with someone who so blithely takes advantage of me.  Am I being considerate - or a wimp - by being a 'yes man' to someone else's opinions, or by kowtowing to a tyrannical persons quirks?

Life lessons have taught me that there are times when decidedly un-nice behaviour is my best response. To achieve the greater goal, my correct response may be to deal sternly - or arrogantly, or selfishly, or deceitfully - with a person who only understands that negative language. With people who can't see beyond the big circle of their ego, I now ask myself if being nice is the correct approach or would a more stern method ultimately achieve my greater goal? I have learned that the only way to draw the line is in evaluating my motives. I have to ask myself why I need to be nice - do I believe that being nice is the right way to approach life or do I just want to be thought of as a nice person? Do I genuinely believe that I should forfeit my place in the bus line-up to another, or is it my fear of being labelled as ill-mannered? Should I give a rubber stamp approval to a family member or friend even if I don't agree with what they say or what they are doing because I am reluctant to appear disagreeable? Why do I generously offer my time and energy to others - do I want to be considered kind or do I genuinely believe in their cause?

For me, the key to achieving the best outcome, in all interactions, has been in developing an inner strength and in imparting to others - and demonstrating to myself -  the backbone to stand strong, whether that means acting with kindness and sensitivity (which is always my default), or acting with deceitful slyness or gruff sternness to those who, unfortunately, only understand negative language.  As in all interactions, kindness and compassion are necessary when deciding to be nice - or not so nice - but once certain that I'm right in my assessment of a situation, common sense prevails and I allow myself to make my correct choice.