The Insidiousness of Depression
Her memory was the first casualty. She forgot appointments. When she did remember them she could no longer calculate when she had to leave the house in order to arrive at her destination in time. It was as if her brain had shut down. She found herself writing lists for when to get up, when to start getting dressed, when to walk out the door, how long the subway ride should take. And, still, she often showed up too late or too early. Sometimes she even forgot to show up at all, and people began to think that she was rude and that made her feel worse. She moved as if in a fog, uncertain of the time, the day or even the season. She left the oven on one day and overflowed the bathtub another time. One evening when having dinner with friends at a restaurant she suddenly realized that she had forgotten her purse in the ladies room. She jumped up from her chair and dashed back to the washroom. The purse was gone. Terribly upset, she returned to the table where her friends pointed out her purse, dangling from the back of her chair. From the looks on their faces, she knew her friends thought that she was losing her mind. She began to wonder if she was.
She rejected the depression diagnosis that came several months later. She had experienced a huge personal loss and she felt she just needed to get through the grieving process. She was sad, but not, she felt, clinically depressed, as her doctor had suggested. She felt there was a big difference in the way she would be reacting if her doctor's diagnosis was real. At her next visit, having shown no true signs of improvement, the doctor suggested antidepressants. She burst into tears. What if the pills permanently altered her personality? What about the side effects? What if they were addictive? What if they made her drool? What if she went on them and then couldn't get off them without going crazy? She also wondered why she objected so much - no one would feel embarrassed about taking pills for heart disease or diabetes.
She sat on the subway, heading home, analyzing her condition - she wasn't depressed. She just needed a little more time. She could work through this without going on medication. She tried to choke back sobs, but could not control her tears. Words like madness, lunacy and insanity filled her head. In the distance of her frightened and frantic mind, she heard herself scream the words out loud. She felt exhausted, dehydrated and yet was so cold she was sweating. At the next station she stumbled out the door of the subway car as the passengers averted their eyes. She did not remember where she was heading but finally knew that she was out of control. She pressed the emergency button on the wall of the subway platform, sat on the nearby bench and waited for someone to help her - she was ready now to admit that she was depressed and to walk whatever path was necessary to work through the pain.....
Silent Screams
By Beverlee Blampied (c)
Is life just a dream
None of it real
A delusion, a dress rehearsal
For an after life
A play -
Acted with true emotion
Offering the feel of reality
With her
Always outside the chilly winds
Always observing
In a silence that surrounds her
Alone
Searching
At a point beyond the stars
Where no one hears
Her silent scream Emptiness
by Beverlee Blampied (c)Dark clouds hang low in the sky
Engulfing her in a cloud of depression
And wrapped in emptiness
She stands awkwardly
Conscious of every move
Thinking before reacting
To even a smile
Half grins
Never seem to make loud laughs
The spontaneous kind
She's like to feel just once
She listens eagerly to music
Yet she can't move
Her hands feel a need
But can't express
Only inside she feels
And through her sensitive skin
She wants to reach out
Yet instead
She can only scream
Silently
Depression
By Beverlee Blampied (c)A private place
This mind of hers
A secret world
Enclosed by emptiness
But trespassed by pain
A personal possession
Fully experienced with nature's rage
Withdrawn
Closed to life
With all it's unfilled promises
Appearing incapable of asserting character
Of coping or existing
Yet all the while searching
For answers
That can not be found
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