The Power of Love
There really is no meaning in life - nothing means anything. At least that is what she would tell herself whenever her memories took her back to painful places she had never been able to erase. As for the wound itself - the wound that had left its scar - the loss, the grief of having given her new-born daughter away, that was something she had had to learn to live with. But the hole remaining in her heart had left a numbness that had never allowed her to experience any joy to its fullest. Her baby had always been more than the birth certificate in the hidden memory box. She was her daughter - not with her, but her daughter none-the-less. She had known her and loved her. And now, after all these empty years she was going to have the privilege of actually - finally - coming face to face with her flesh and blood, and face to face with her past.
She never told anybody that she was pregnant. Not her family nor her friends. She knew before she went to the doctor what was wrong with her, but had hoped that he would tell her otherwise. Any disease would have been better than an unwanted pregnancy. The doctor was concerned and kind and offered to refer her to an agency/clinic that could help her deal with this sort of problem. He insisted that she wasn't alone - in fact, he said that he had seen lots of girls like her. But she hadn't been like 'a lot of girls'! She had known other young girls her age who thought nothing of 'going all the way' with several boys and this had not happened to them. The first time she had ever given in to her boyfriend's desires she had become pregnant. After her visit with the doctor, she had felt an overwhelming shame that he knew what she had done - and had now labelled the 'type' of girl she was. This shame had sent her to a place where nobody knew her. She left her family and friends behind on the pretense that she had secured a summer job in the city. In reality, she booked into a home for unwed mothers. She never wanted or expected any sympathy, and was relieved that somebody else would now be taking care of what she should do next. Although she had been frightened to find herself on welfare, she had taken some comfort from the fact that her life for the next five months would be organized for her.
After a long and difficult labor her baby was put into an incubator for a few hours before she was able to hold her. She felt hallow and exhausted. But when she got to hold her for the first time she felt reborn. She loved her daughter with pride and wonder. For the next six weeks she fed her, changed her, bathed her, cuddled her, slept with her, woke with her and attached with her like another limb. She had refused to focus on the future or think about the moment when she would have to give her child away. But keeping her daughter was not an option at her age and with no financial support. She did not want to lose her daughter but she had no choice and she knew that she would be giving her the chance of a life of hope and opportunity that she could not provide. And so she signed the release papers and did what she had always done when someone in authority asked for something - she conceded. As she handed her daughter over she lifted her head to her face and breathed the scent of her for the last time. This was love - as certain a love as she knew she would ever find - love that came with no price, no duty, no questions. In tears she had kissed her a silent goodbye, breathed bravely and placed her in the arms of the smiling Social Worker. She loved her so much that she was able to give her away - able to give her the chance to be given to a good family who would in turn give her a good life, as she had nothing to offer her. All she had was a mother's love. At seventeen years old she had quickly learned that sometimes life required you to do hard things and this was, by far, the hardest thing she had ever had to do. No other pain or hardship had ever compared.
She had lost a part of herself but she had accepted her punishment. Life moved on. She had married and given birth to another daughter. She now had three grandchildren. She had divorced several years ago but her life was good. However, although her life appeared full there was always something missing inside her - until several weeks ago when she had received a letter from a young woman who was in search of her birth mother. She stated that she had no desire to disrupt anyone's life but was interested in learning more about the circumstances of her birth. Her adoptive mother, shortly before her death, had given her the exact location and name of her biological mother, along with the details of where she could apply for her adoption file.
And so they arranged to meet. When she saw her daughter smile and felt the warmth of her hand on hers as they said hello, her life changed. Everything after their initial hug was a bonus. They felt as if they knew each other in a way that was beyond description. It was miraculous and unreal. And finally she was whole again. The numbness in her heart disappeared. Life took on meaning - a meaning that had been lost all these years - a meaning that now completed the circle of her life.
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