Grief is the agony of an instant.....

Thought for the day:
Grief is a walk alone. Others can be there and listen. But you walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your own personal pain, your own raw wounds, your own denial, anger and bitter loss. You do, finally, come to your own peace - but it will be in your own way, in your own time.....  

Along her life journey she had learned the healing power of writing and that telling her story could transform her life.....

Closure

By the Rhine River she sat down on a bench and wept - wept for what she had left behind - wept for the relationship she had tried so hard to nurture - the personal relationship she thought she could have. She wept for the man who had made promises he failed to keep, spoke words he did not mean. The man who lacked integrity, who had lied and played mind games. The man who was without emotion or empathy and had failed/refused to notice her tears, her fears, her sadness, her pain. The man who did not see her value. She wept for him because although she would never be able to forgive him for the havoc he had brought to her life - the emotional and mental abuse that he had introduced into their relationship - she finally felt sorry for him and for his inability to love - to be connected as one. She wept because she believed that one day he would wake up and realize that he had lost the moon while searching for the stars and it would then be too late for him to ever experience what he had so callously thrown away.

She had long ago learned that every life has a story and every story has a lesson. The lesson in her story had become more clear to her when in Switzerland, as she wandered the peaceful river paths of Basel, reflected in the beauty of Lake Lucerne, gazed in awe at the snow capped Alps, walked the beautiful streets of Zurich and enjoyed the Old Country splendour of Bern. She finally realized that she had been a prisoner of the choices she had made and with this realization she was now homesick for a place that she was not sure even existed - one where her heart was full and her soul understood. She knew, too, that the best path to a fulfilling life was rarely a straight line, and her life journey had certainly taken her along many twisted roads. She had finally reached the bottom of the hill where there were no lies left. The emotional and mental battering had not killed her but had destroyed and killed her spirit. Now, in her search for a wholehearted life, she was ready to wipe away her tears, take a deep breath and let the past go - it was what it was. She would leave it all behind her. In her new search for contentment she would replenish her spirit, focus on what was important to her, capture life's good moments, develop from the negative fall-out and move on, letting karma handle the rest.  And she would remember, always, what she was worth and that she had deserved nothing less than a man who was willing and able to share his mind, body, heart and soul. A man who could share in the power of love. She had met life's challenges head on before - she could do it again. She would believe that life could be good and she would once more achieve personal success...even if it now meant building a life on her own.          

As the paths we travel along our journey awaken us to who we really are, we become aware that every detail of life has meaning and purpose - every step is a decision - every move is deliberate.....

Illusions

She was at her desk when one of her co-workers said something demeaning about her work, and she immediately got upset, felt defensive, and thought all day about how that person was wrong and how she would prove it to him.

At home, she discovered that her husband had left his dirty dishes in the sink and the garbage bin under the sink was overflowing, and she felt quite irritated by his lack of consideration. She thought about how wrong he was, and wondered why he couldn't just do the little things it would take to be more considerate.

As she was stewing in her anger over these two people who she felt had wronged her, she began to wonder what was going on in her mind - why did she have to be so frustrated, angry and irritated by these little comments and actions? 

The next day when she went to work she noticed other people also frustrated and stressed out and angry at different times in the day. She saw it in the faces of strangers on the street as well, and in the complaints of her friends as they chatted during their lunch break.

As she sat on the subway on her way home from work, her thoughts kept mulling over all the illusions of dissatisfaction she and many others seemed to be experiencing and she began to get an understanding of what was actually happening. She felt that everyone has a treasure that they need to protect - something that not everyone else can see, but what they felt was truly valuable and needed to be protected - an inner 'gem' - and when one person would interact with the other, even if the actions or conversations had nothing to do with their inner gem, each person would worry that the other was trying to attack their inner gem. Everything then became about guarding their gem, protecting it from attack, making sure it was safe. Her thought process took her to where she realized, obviously, that these gems didn't really exist - that people just imagined therm to be real, without even realizing that they were thinking that way. She became aware that it was all an illusion - an illusion that was making her unhappy.

She made a conscious decision on her journey home that evening that she would stop trying to protect an imaginary gem - stop trying to be right, to be seen as good and competent and smart and perfect - stop trying to see herself as a good person at all times. She would stop thinking that other people's words and actions had anything to do with who she knew herself to be. She would stop trying to protect her position and self-image.

And, along the paths of her life journey, after gently letting go of these illusions, she had become happier. She could now smile when someone else would start protecting their imaginary gem, and realize that their frustration or rudeness had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with what they were protecting. She now went about her day, focussing on and enjoying each moment, knowing that if she took good care of each moment her every tomorrow would have a vision of hope.  

  

Life's lessons have taught that placing footprints into a committed relationship takes courage, compassion and vulnerability but unfortunately being vulnerable can often lead to being blind to reality.....


Poems by Beverlee Blampied (c)

You came to me as no other had 
With dreams that I longed to share
A man, once proud, with eyes so sad
You caught me unaware
Without a hint, without a sign
And my heart went out to you
I dreamt that one day you'd be mine
To keep and hold as true
I chased an illusive dream that had no end
Went searching for the stars
Now here I am, and have to mend
My broken heart of scars
My tears will dry and run anew
Now that all hope is lost
How can I bear to make it, though
Without you - at what cost
Once my friend, my lover, sweet and kind
But to the 'deceptive' you I was so blind
And now hopefully one day soon I'll learn to live
Without your betrayal always on my mind
Knowing my heart I will never again give


Did you leave our life some months ago
Did rain fall hard but very slow
Or was that my tears mixed with your abusive words
That fell hard just as spring showers could
What you said - what I heard
Though this to me does seem absurd
After all your once kind and once caring words
I was now afraid to hear you speak
As I listened and knew that what you said
Were words that your troubled mind had fed
I had always watched the sky for rain
And prayed that it would not come again
But in truth I did rather the raindrops fall
Than not to have you in my life at all
So I often walked 'tear'-soaked, but stayed
Through all the drizzling, rain soaked days
Held on through each painful 'episode'
Hoping one day you would find your way back - then
When the sun, someday, as in the past
Would shine warmly on us once again


Your walking away
Shouldn't have to  be so  hard
When your staying with me
Would be twice the pain for you
Your walking away
Should ease the grief
That shatters my heart
Yet it hurts less for me 
Than watching you
Turn your back on my love
So if your walking away
Brings you such relief
Why are my tears
Falling so freely
When my love for you
Wanted only your happiness

Lying here watching the morning shadows
Dance across my bedroom walls
I let my mind drift back to when we shared our life
When you were the 'authentic' you
And I could cuddle up by your side -
Listen to you breathe
Reassuring me that when the dawn's light entered the room
You would turn and our day would begin
But now, as the morning shadows linger in the room
I rise to face another day - our 'forever and always' -
Without you.....
  

If only it were easier to forget and smile than to remember and be sad....

Thought for the day:
Those we have loved and shared our heart and soul with leave deep impressions that can not ever be erased as though they were marked with indelible ink - every physical trace of that person who hurt us can be removed from our life but we are still left with the string of painful memories.....  

Suffering can lead us to reconsider the meaning of our existence.....

Thought for the day:

Sometimes we lose what we thought was so special - but sometimes, in hindsight, we find that what we lost wasn't so wonderful after all, and so we must choose to begin to learn to rise above our loss and set out to find a better place to land. Hopefully, one day, we will find our way back to a space where we will be comfortable again. During our grieving process our emotions will flow like a river and memories will sneak out of our eyes and roll down our cheeks as tears, coming from nowhere, and engulfing all that we are. Often we will stand at the cusp of nothing as things happen in a way that is never expected. But along our journey we will learn that at the end of something that was never supposed to end, something new can begin. It is hard to explain and it is even harder to live. 

We must believe that there will - again - be a smile behind our sorrow, love behind our hurt and anger, and a reason behind the silence of our thoughts. And, then, in that painful silence we can allow ourselves to hear the truth and in the subsequent changes we can search for our true direction.

Some paths will appear in front of us; paths that we are meant to take no matter how much we may want to avoid them. We will not always know why we must walk a particular trail or where the trail will lead us, but it is there in front of us as part of our new journey and can take us forward into better horizons, burning destructive bridges behind us. Burning these bridges is a good thing as it will prevent us from going back to a place where we should never have been. And, finally, we can understand that the past is a mere place of reference - not a place of forever residence.

We will have discovered that grief never ends but it does change. It is a passage, not a place to stay. We will have learned that grieving is not a sign of weakness. But it is the price of love.....   

Our own recovery should be our first priority.....

Reflection

When she goes out she leaves a hall light on and a radio playing as she hates to come home to silence and a dark apartment. When she comes home and turns the key she experiences a shift in her karmic sphere - a reaction to her actions. She closes her eyes and leans against the door then turns the key all the way and pushes the door open. She still wonders what she must have done in a previous life that made it necessary to find herself alone again. 

As she now painfully travels this new path of her life journey she is constantly discovering how strong she will have to be to withstand the moments of uncertainty that life has inevitably thrown her way. This relationship fracture, not in any way her choice or her doing, came crashing into her world and she came face to face with having to very quickly make some drastic and necessary life changes. Should she go as per the ultimatum? Should she continue to love at all costs? Should she forgive and forget one more time? The 'shoulds' became a deep internal craving as she tried to process what the best outcome for her life would be.

She has now realized she had, for so long, held on to what was no longer working and had continued to place her footprints on the same rocky path. And she has now found that why she continued to hold on to something that hurt her potential to be happy and had harmed her health, physically and mentally, needs to be looked at closely and so she continues to ask herself why she is not yet able to fully move on emotionally.

However, along her road to recovery she has discovered that life is really a balance of holding on and letting go. She truly wants to make the right choices but wonders how she will know when it is really time to let go and move on. She knows that sometimes it is easier to hold on to something that isn't working out, out of fear that she won't be able to find a safe place to land. Perhaps her greatest fear, therefore, is the unknown, which is possibly why she holds on and tries to now manipulate her life situation to control her surroundings - her new life space. But the outcome, no matter what she does, always seems to be the same - more pain, immense frustration, anger, self-doubt, and a huge sense of loss.

Along her journey, she has learned that staying in a situation that is toxic - a situation that no longer serves her well - will not bring her happiness or give meaning to her life. She now knows that she needs to initiate change, take a step forward, and emotionally disconnect from the past to be able to move on and create a solid life plan. Yes, her thoughts still go more to memories than to the present. Yes, she still feels alone, unheard, unloved, rejected, and disrespected.  Yes, she still cries more than she laughs. But she hasn't, even through all the pain and heartache, stopped hoping or stopped expecting things to get better. She is still exhausted emotionally and spiritually, but she can force a smile to mask the pain. She knows that she has not completely lost who she is and has not compromised or sacrificed her core values and beliefs and so can begin to reinvent her true self. And she has made huge progress in that she no longer expects or hopes or pleads for the person responsible for her pain to change, as she has learned, through his despicable actions, that he is not worth one more minute of her time and emotional pain.

So now, as she thoroughly, seriously and honestly searches her soul, she reflects on her life and continually works on changing the course of her path, carefully placing her footprints on an alternate route, moving forward, trusting her future and letting her journey guide her, in due time, to new happiness.